a look back...

I wrote this letter almost 7 months ago to friends and family!
when I found it today I wanted to share it!
It expresses the rawness
and yet reminds me of the hope!
and when I measure my hurt then
against my hope and reality now
I KNOW like I KNOW like I KNOW
that all is well..
at least, truly, truly, truly getting there!



very personal, for my friends who will not ask!

Sunday, February 8, 2009 at 10:09pm

I have found the silence of friends I have known forever so strange! Until I saw a friend recently who said she had not known what to say! She knew things had been turned upside down in my life and did not know wether to ignore it or address it! Maybe that becomes ignoring me. Maybe, its judgement but I am betting its just not knowing where to start! So in my typical way..I shall share 'all' because I am a pretty open person no matter how bizarre! So here it goes!! 21/2 years ago my marraige of 14 years fell apart! I will not dwell on that but I will say that God has been good! The relationship between my ex and I is good and the children have a close 'extended' family that includes the 'significant' other in his life (who i now consider a friend) and I am grateful for where we are! Gods grace, compassion and forgiveness for and through the situation has been evident and life changing!BUT 2 years ago I was devastated.I lost all I knew..my life fell apart, I lost my identity, my husband, my home, my role of stay at home mom, my security, sometimes it felt like I lost my very essense! My breath...my air!! I had lost it all!!Yet, I trusted God still and I had been so content in the life I led that I believed that God would provide what I had lost! I believed the answer would be in a restoration of a relationship for me! I never healed, I just jumped! And when the 'answer' seemed to show up in the form of a man who loved me and the kids, said he wanted me to homeschool...wanted to provide for me, and seemed like a GOOD man... It seemed right! And I was too emotionally unhealthy to see either way! I made a deep mistake in putting myself in the position to begin with! I was not ready! BUT I married this man! And I married into a situation I will not describe here! I do not need to defend or explain! BUT, I will say that within a year I knew that I had to save my children and myself from the situation I had gotten us into! I quite literally fled a very volitiale situation and came home! Due to some of the more bizarre and controlling aspects of my reality I had dropped contact with many people! most people! Please forgive me if you were one of them! Please forgive me if I hurt you! I made fear based decisions and gave away my power! I did what felt was needed at the time to avoid unpleasant confrontations! BUT I lost so many freinds who did not know that or could not understand! So I want to tell you that I am sorry if you were one of the casualties of this relationship that took so much of me and my life!I made a mistake! I am human and I was hurting and I stepped out of Gods will and instead chose to see the answer I thought he should give me! I have paid a price for my mistake, I own and accept it! BUT I have also learnt some deep and powerful lessons about love, about hurt, about healing and about God grace when we totally screw it all up! I have learnt too about his will for us and about being bound and imprisoned and fearful, and how God will save us from even the scariest of realities if we trust him and let him!I am a different person than I was 3 years ago and some of that is good and some of that is sad. Overall I retain most of me and am still way to upfront, just no longer as trusting! I understand that for some of my old friends this may be too much! Too far from life as we all knew it! BUt, i at least wanted you to know what happened. Why I am back and how I feel about the path my life took!
Today, I am content! I have lived in a prison...I appreciatte the daily freedoms! I struggle as most single moms do..heck most moms in general! BUT while I worry i do not fear! I know who holds the future! And I have felt him cradle me in my brokeness and heal the hurts that only his love can touch! I have peace and that is worth a lifetime of lessons!!