Friday, August 7, 2009

ex husband or new partner

I speak to so many woman and men..
who have been down this road!
I know that the 'post' divorce parenting relationship
can be so very, very bad!
or it can be so very, very good!
BUT I have come to understand it is a choice!
Two people who choose to let the hurt become part of the past
and to speak to each other as partners in parenting
while no longer partners in love,
can change the course of their childrens' future!!

This aspect, while hard pays off dividends!!
When my ex and I split 3 years ago
I knew I did not want to make mountains out of molehills!
I wanted us to be together at school functions
and be able to talk about the kids!
We both talked about our desire to keep the 'companionship' we had shared.
We spoke of being the divorced couple who hugged hello..
....While it has not always been so happy....
and it has not been quite as ideal as all times..
for what it is,
it is good!

It has been almost 3 years..
and some missteps along the way..
and yet, with both of us committed, to the kids
we have forged a new relationship!

We don't fight over dates and times..
We are free with the children,
even when they are on our 'time'..
we include each other in events..
and their dad is welcome in our home at any time..
He knows without much notice he can always see the kids!
I know the same...
I can stop by on his weekend..
or even meet them at a local event....
There is no 'possessiveness' between us.
On the other hand..
if its his weekend and there's a conflict,
I keep the kids for the night!
rather with me then a sitter!!
happy to do it!
and when I have school on weeknights,
he gladly watches the kids...
the kids benefit from this greatly!

We talk about discipline..
We are learning how to work together..
and sometimes all we can do is
agree to disagree!
But, we choose to support the others choice
or at the very least
not counteract their authority with the kids!!
We have become what we are; 'parents'
We share a common goal...
and that is to love and raise three children!
We may not always see eye to eye on how to do that..
but we don't feel the need to compete
or out maneuver each other!!
We even have learn t to chat without emotions..

and when all is said and done
we respect our past
and have chosen to honor that
by being available to each other if needed..
even if this means help with car trouble or babysitting..
it what we do!!
We have chosen to become allies in the life we lead!!!

This was not always the way it was...
Nor is it always the way we want it...
sometimes our very nature creates hurdles..
BUT this is always the way it should be!!

There are so many battles before us..
and so many areas we could improve..
I hope to see continuity in our homes one day..
I hope that we will agree on major issues,
like dating and curfews..
I hope that we, at some point, will have similar rules
so the kids will have stability..
There are areas that the kids have completely
different expectations or
standards in one home
then in the other...
There are times,
they probably feel like their homes are completely separate entities..
dads rules..
moms rules..
I know they would benefit from
'our rules'...
BUT its a process....

No matter where the differences may come..
or stresses might be
my reaction..
and our relationship in front of the children..
is always something I can be responsible for.

In so many ways..
I have been blessed!
My ex and I are good people..
we care about each other..
we have not made each other enemies..
I know that some people
face much harder circumstances!!
sometimes all you can do..
when the situation is anything BUT amicable,
is control what the kids see
and hold your tongue for their sake..

Parenting with your matter what the circumstances
becomes what you both choose it to be!!
and for the kids..
the choice to stand united..
and even if possible as 'friends'
creates a security in them..
that nothing else will...
at some point
it time to let go of the hurt,
or at least move past it..
and look and your children and know...
from here on out..
its all about them!!


  1. You are fortunate, your children are the winners. My ex fell into a world that I couldn't allow my children to follow him into..serious drug and alcohol addiction...and he chose the drugs and alcohol at every turn. He's the loser in that deal missing out on his children's lives and making their hearts hurt for him.

    I'm glad he's a good man.

  2. breeze, My heart hurts for you! Sometimes there is nothing you can do..the choices on theirs!! your children thrive because you are the constant in their life..

  3. Yet you say nothing about the bitterness your children feel towards your new partners because they are the "reasons" mommy and daddy aren't getting back together.

    I feel bad for any new parters either of you encounter in the future as they'll always have to measure up to the ex. That's a fact.

  4. anonymous- I disagree..:) I have said alot!!! This blog was after the inevitable has happened! I did not choose my divorce and I have blogged the deep hurt of the children! Divorce is not pretty! BUT sometimes it just is...and you get to roll over and die on the inside..or fight for a life that is good and true and just. My children hurt..and they are sad. BUT they too are healing! I am not attached currently, but they are encouraging of me dating when I am ready! My ex lives with his girlfriend and they like her! it is not perfect..but it is ours! And I am doing the best I can within circumstances I did not choose!