the one place we cannot escape...

our dreams.

One of the comments on my last post,
reminded me
of a huge aspect
of the journey of letting go.
our dreams..
the place we are,
the gage that tells us if we are as healthy as we say,
the measure of our secret fears and hopes.

For 16 months
I have had a reoccuring dream.
In this dream I was back
with the man I had run from.
and each time I realized that some how
I would have to run all over again.
Anyone who has ever left someone
who is controlling AND angry;
knows you cannot just announce your choice
and walk out...
its not that simple.
So leaving
was the single most hardest, scariest, life impacting
thing I have ever done.
Which says alot as my first divorce
was the most heart shattering event
that I ever imagined could happen.

To this day
I can tell you how many months AND days it has been since I left this man.
it is an anniversary of a VERY traumatic moment.
Not because it broke my heart,
but because it required facing a very dark person,
in an equally dark moment.

And so,
sometimes my dreams revisit this moment.
I would dream I was back..
I was trapped..
and some how I had to do it all over again.
And in each dream
the feeling of NOT being able to face it,
not having the strength to do that once more
was strong.
And yet the knowledge that I must find a way,
that I could not stay;
was even stronger.
And deep within the folds of the dream was the despair.
I would wake shaken
and the dream would stay with me all day.

Before I wrote the letter that I posted a few days ago,
one of the ways I knew I was ready?
I had a dream..
and I was not back with this person.
I did not need to run.
In fact I was somewhere that this person was too.
and seeing him shook me,
but he was more shaken.
In my dream he was with someone
and did not want her to see me.
I was not as his mercy!
I was free to walk away.
I woke up...
and nothing!
No thumpng heart,
no sweaty palms,
his hold on my mind loosened,
his control of my innermost fears released.
I knew it was time..

Dreams often tell us if the words we use with others,
are the words our heart believes.
Dreams sometimes reflect the shadows in our minds
that seem to dark to express.

It seems my heart and mind are finally on the same page.

the next stage....

what is almost as good as an intact family
sharing in their childrens success and failure??

a divorced couple..sitting together..
with their daughter's teacher.
Not there for any other reason,
then they love their daughter!
They are there as a team.
They are there as a unit..
and they understand the roles are different,
the past is gone
and they own the future!

It is not easy to reach this place.
for some its not an option!
But, for my ex and I..
we have made some choices
some good and some bad..
but all impacting;
that have brought us to the place we are now.
I will be blogging this aspect more.

The past surfaces here and there..
but the relationship we have now,
is the one we shall carry into the future!

It is not always good..
in fact sometimes its bad!
BUT, OFTEN its better then expected!
We both play a role in this.
We both let things go!
and we have both had to change expectations.

We do not team parent!
That would involve complete agreement!
We do Co-parent! Along side one another..
a relay!
I parent in my home..
he parents in his...
and at times it overlaps!

We are making it work!
and we are reaping the rewards!
and we are both muddling through
what happens
when the one you loved
becomes the one who hurt you..
and the differences that were endearing
become stark..
and yet you STILL share children;
and for THEIR sake
need to try and do this right!

THIS is a journey in and of itself!
BUT, its a journey with only one destination!
the children!
Their security!
Their well being!
Their ability to be complete!

The Gift you can give when they can love you both with no walls!

importance of learning who you are...

Time alone after a divorce is VITAL!
I can say this NOT because I am so smart
and insightful..
but because I did it all wrong the first go round!

The time alone..takes time...!
meaning;
When the divorce first happens
you are alone...
but you do not want to be there!
You do not want to be alone,
and the loneliness is consuming!
Then you reach a place
when you are still alone
but long for company!
You are not just lonely,
you are needy!
You wish you had someone
to love you and hold you..
you wish that you were not doing
all the things you are doing
alone...
so your alone time
is not peaceful..
it is sad and resentful...
then you reach a place
when you are alone..
and you are glad you are alone!
When you are alone,
you may miss people..
or even a loved one..
you may feel lonely at times,
BUT you enjoy the time you have!
you look for things to do ALONE..
you think..
you learn..
you grow...
THIS is when you heal!
When you have been alone long enough
to stop wishing you were not alone..
and instead accept and embrace the reality of what being alone is!
However, you cannot get here without going through
all the other steps!
and if you jump ship during one of the stages..
and find someone to fill the void
during the lonely times,
you will never reach the place of healing,
that allows you to
with an open heart
mind and soul
accept that maybe you are ready
to allow someone back in...
and maybe you are not!
But, either way
you will never again
want to NOT have time alone...
its a wonderful thing!

Its not about a solution its about acceptance...

I think many times
when someone finds them selves
single-again
and it was NOT what they had planned for their lives..
When is it??
They want a solution!
a fix!
They want it to get better...
and deep down they want something to change!

I went looking for that change..
I was not passive..
I was sure and confident
that there was a SOLUTION...
This could not be the destination of my life!!
and as I have shared..
my solution was my down fall!

And so I now have come to understand...
the vital step
in moving forward,
is not looking for a change,
or waiting for the next stage in your life.
Instead its accepting,
the now!
The new place you are..
and the place you may always be!!
A single person! a single-again person!

facing all the things
that in the past you did as a 'couple'..
now movies, dinners, church, reunions,
you are doing those things alone!
And the thing is..
thats OK!
Not only is it OK...
its fun!
Its a time to rediscover who you are,
a time to heal and grow!
its also a time to hurt and mourn...
and then little by little to let go
of what was..
and embrace what is!
It does not happen overnight...
Nor, do I believe it will happen on its own..
BUT it will happen!!
And the time you put into YOU..
will pay off..
when YOU are healthy and WHOLE..
and YOU get to choose to move on alone..
or move on open to the idea of another!
BUT either way YOU choose!
and either way YOU are OK!

ex husband or new partner

I speak to so many woman and men..
who have been down this road!
I know that the 'post' divorce parenting relationship
can be so very, very bad!
or it can be so very, very good!
BUT I have come to understand it is a choice!
Two people who choose to let the hurt become part of the past
and to speak to each other as partners in parenting
while no longer partners in love,
can change the course of their childrens' future!!

This aspect, while hard pays off dividends!!
When my ex and I split 3 years ago
I knew I did not want to make mountains out of molehills!
I wanted us to be together at school functions
and be able to talk about the kids!
We both talked about our desire to keep the 'companionship' we had shared.
We spoke of being the divorced couple who hugged hello..
....While it has not always been so happy....
and it has not been quite as ideal as hoped..at all times..
for what it is,
it is good!

It has been almost 3 years..
and some missteps along the way..
and yet, with both of us committed, to the kids
we have forged a new relationship!

We don't fight over dates and times..
We are free with the children,
even when they are on our 'time'..
we include each other in events..
and their dad is welcome in our home at any time..
He knows without much notice he can always see the kids!
I know the same...
I can stop by on his weekend..
or even meet them at a local event....
There is no 'possessiveness' between us.
On the other hand..
if its his weekend and there's a conflict,
I keep the kids for the night!
rather with me then a sitter!!
happy to do it!
and when I have school on weeknights,
he gladly watches the kids...
the kids benefit from this greatly!

We talk about discipline..
We are learning how to work together..
and sometimes all we can do is
agree to disagree!
But, we choose to support the others choice
or at the very least
not counteract their authority with the kids!!
We have become what we are; 'parents'
We share a common goal...
and that is to love and raise three children!
We may not always see eye to eye on how to do that..
but we don't feel the need to compete
or out maneuver each other!!
We even have learn t to chat without emotions..

and when all is said and done
we respect our past
and have chosen to honor that
by being available to each other if needed..
even if this means help with car trouble or babysitting..
it what we do!!
We have chosen to become allies in the life we lead!!!

This was not always the way it was...
Nor is it always the way we want it...
sometimes our very nature creates hurdles..
BUT this is always the way it should be!!

There are so many battles before us..
and so many areas we could improve..
I hope to see continuity in our homes one day..
I hope that we will agree on major issues,
like dating and curfews..
I hope that we, at some point, will have similar rules
so the kids will have stability..
There are areas that the kids have completely
different expectations or
standards in one home
then in the other...
There are times,
they probably feel like their homes are completely separate entities..
dads rules..
moms rules..
I know they would benefit from
'our rules'...
BUT its a process....

No matter where the differences may come..
or stresses might be
my reaction..
and our relationship in front of the children..
is always something I can be responsible for.

In so many ways..
I have been blessed!
My ex and I are good people..
we care about each other..
we have not made each other enemies..
I know that some people
face much harder circumstances!!
sometimes all you can do..
when the situation is anything BUT amicable,
is control what the kids see
and hold your tongue for their sake..

Parenting with your ex..no matter what the circumstances
becomes what you both choose it to be!!
and for the kids..
the choice to stand united..
and even if possible as 'friends'
creates a security in them..
that nothing else will...
at some point
it time to let go of the hurt,
or at least move past it..
and look and your children and know...
from here on out..
its all about them!!