the rules keep changing...

so,
I am feeling
a little more ready
then I felt before...
as I grow and evolve,
as I begin to unfurl the wings
I finally seemed to have found..
I am feeling more open and receptive
to the next stage of this new life I live..
yes, *gasp* dating!

But, heres the problem..
(OK so I find lots of problems
with this subject)
Here is ONE problem;
the rules have changed but I have not.
I don't call boys..:)
OK..I call them AFTER we have a relationship!
(and I know this based on the WHOLE 2 relationships
I have had! ha!)
But, I know I want to be the lady!
I know I want to be called and asked out!
I know I want a little more tradition
then a text..
or fax..
or even email.

And yet,
in reading blogs
and watching single folks around,
I see that in the 17 plus years
I spent married
(albeit it to two different men)
dating has changed.
Men seem to like woman who take the initiative,
who know what they want..

Here's the thing;
I have come a long way!
I have reached a place
that I know who I am,
what I desire
and who I aspire to be.
and I know this...
I will wait as long as it takes
to bump into 'tradition'
and some one old fashioned enough
to want to ask,
and woo...
yup I said woo:)!!

until then..
I feel excited to be in this place
that says
whatever shall come will come,
and I feel ready to face
whatever that might be!

I past the test..

I facilitate a class called divorce care
at the church I attend.
This is a video led class,
I am just there to keep the conversation going,
and keep it kind!:)
last night the topic was new relationships..
there was a quiz of sorts!
It basically touched on the key points
to know when you are ready to move on.
There were many aspects but a few really stood out,

-dwelling more in the present then the past.
this struck me.
JUST yesterday an hour before the class,
my son was in a play.
My daughters and I went..
and his dad met us there.
We watched the play..
said our hi's and good byes..
went our happy ways,
as as I read this last night
on the paper in front of me,
I was able to reflect and realise
that I had felt NOTHING
just moments earlier!
Its just what it is now...
moments together do not lead me to wonder
what it should be instead.
Not sure when it happened,
just know that it did.

-taken ownership of the past
This only happened for me a few months ago.
This was the moment I realised that I had
a part in the heart ache between us.
owning it, understanding it and asking forgiveness
from the man who broke my heart...
truly released me!
This step was huge.

then the last one that REALLY spoke to me was;
-not looking for someone to rescue you.
I was here!!
I thought that this was the answer...
I went down that road.
BUT, no more!
Now I don't want to be rescued!
I don't want to be saved!
I just want to be loved...
and accepted!
No hero..
no white knight..
just a man with all his flaws,
accepting me with all mine.

and that was the thought that I ended on...

I am not sure when I might meet someone..
or if I ever will.
But, I am not looking for companionship,
I am quite comfortable alone.
I am not looking for a provider,
I am sinking and swimming on my own terms.
I am not looking for a father for my kids,
they have one.
I am not looking for anything.....

I am waiting for the one
who just wants to be.
And is OK that I just want to be too.
And if by chance we are better together,
then we are apart..
then maybe we are meant to see where that goes.

quite simple...:)

It takes a lesson to learn a lesson..

I am starting to observe people around me..
after living fairly happily
in a bubble for most of my life;
its like a whole NEW realization
to see people and watch their choices,
and to begin to understand the reasons behind them.

It seems that some people will avoid
being alone at all costs.

I get this..
I did this..
I lived at home until my wedding at 18...
Then whenever hubby was away,
I pined and missed him.
I did not sleep..
I felt incomplete..
half a person.
Hubby left,
I moved back 'home' with my kids..
until my wedding at 33.
When I fled my 'hell'
at the age of 34,
I had NEVER been alone.
I had NEVER lived alone.
and I had NEVER imagined being OK with it!

the thing is,
if I had not learned such a hard lesson
by rebounding so fast,
if I had not set a goal of a year before dating,
if I had not been so wounded that I knew I needed to heal...
I would have looked for company!
I was lonely!
It was hard to always be alone..

But at some point I passed that place,
its like a hunger pain..
if you wait through it
you will forget you were hungry!

Once you have waited past that point,
loneliness becomes different.
your being alone is a state you do not fear.
So even if you wish for company,
your very being does not hinge on it.

BUT, I believe,that you have to be alone,
to reach a place where loneliness does not dictate your direction.

This is a lesson I have learned the hard way!
This is a lesson I had to stay the course to learn...

Sure, sometimes I feel alone.
Sure, sometimes I desire and look forward to true companionship...

BUT, lonely is no longer my state of being,
and being alone is a place I do not mind to be....

BUT, I never would have known that if I had not been lonely
long enough to be OK alone!

so I wonder...

when you start to think..
you may no longer hate with a passion..
the idea of meeting someone..

where do you start?

do you wait and see what happens in life?
do you ask your friends who they know?
do you update your facebook status
to not just single BUT available?
ok,.probably not!!:)

But, I think about all this..
because as I come closer
to being more 'available'
and less closed off...
I know that life is just not that simple!

I don't go to bars,
or even out to non-bars that much!
I don't attend singles events..
I don't meet people in my daily life..
-I meet 2 year olds..:)-
and in truth I am SO not in a rush!

I just wonder..
what does this look like now?
The disastrous attempt I made after my first divorce
did not count..
it was truly disastrous!
but, I have NEVER really dated!
REALLY!
I met hubby one at 17..
I met hubby 2 four months after divorce from hubby 1,
after a series (OK 4!LOL) of 'one time' dates..
no-one seemed right!
so, just this process seems daunting!

I think I fear the process more then the result!
and I just wonder..
just turn it over here and there in my mind..

then I wonder..
what does that even look like as a single mom of three kids??
I don't plan on my kids knowing men I date,
and I am limited in free time..
is that even fair??
I wonder..

that's all I am doing right now..
I set a goal NO DATES for a year..
that has become 15 months..
and I am sure will stretch longer!

I think its good that now when I wonder..
it does not make me sick to my stomach..
or give me the chills...
or make me want to take a shower!
(YES for a while it seemed like a REALLY bad idea..)

so, the fact that I wonder,
and still feel OK..
and open..
and can actually discuss it out loud,
that's a good step, right?

so now we see...
what does this look like?
what will it look like?
what should it look like?
I am FINALLY a LITTLE excited to find out!

He's just not that into you??

so..I have been home sick..
and I read A lot!
and have run out of books...
I got down the stack of self -help books
that I love to buy and hate to read!

The one I landed on is;
he's just not into you.
I loved the movie..
and the book is good!

It makes you think.
Why do we compromise?
why do we ignore all the signs?
what are we afraid of?
and how do we pass on
our new empowerment to our daughters??

I realize that my compromising
started way back!
When the boy I liked...
made fun of me and teased me..
and then wrote me a love note...
and I was told,
yes..he pulls your hair because he likes you!
So why do we not tell the girls,
"if he pulls your hair,stand tall, chin in the air and walk away!"
ITS NOT WORTH IT!
if he makes you cry..
RUN!

instead, we make excuses..
and we accept the pulled hair and hurt feelings,
and then as the boys become men,
we take the hurts and the missed calls
or broken promises,
we take the unkind words or unfair expectations,
we take the rejection or lack of appreciation,
because that's just how men are??
NOT!!

I am learning..
that's not how it should be!
I have yet to have the 'real' thing!
Not real love..I had that, I have felt that..lived that!
but a real relationship..
two hearts, sharing one relationship..
yet, not clipping each others wings.
a relationship with dignity, and kindness and honesty and respect.
a relationship in which we are each better and soar higher,
then we would alone.
I do not need a relationship to complete me..
but one day I would like one that compliments my soul..
a connection that is pure and true..
and a love that has staying power,
no matter the season.

until then I will keep reading the book:)
so I know how to read the signs...!!

tumbling emotions...

hmmmm...
yep! thats all I have!
OK not really!
BUT hmmmm.....
for the last year I have felt completely
determined
to not date...
or be open to date...
or to even think about dating!
I am not sure thats changed...
and yet,
the idea is not repulsing me as much!
Thats good right?:)!
There is no 'person'
but I have begun to notice
tenderness between men and women...
and remember,
and wonder..
and think,
maybe, that would not be the worst thing in the world!
BUT, then again...
I guess the moral
of my tumbling words..
is I am ready to think about..
thinking about it!
and after two devastating hurts...
thats a start!

importance of learning who you are...

Time alone after a divorce is VITAL!
I can say this NOT because I am so smart
and insightful..
but because I did it all wrong the first go round!

The time alone..takes time...!
meaning;
When the divorce first happens
you are alone...
but you do not want to be there!
You do not want to be alone,
and the loneliness is consuming!
Then you reach a place
when you are still alone
but long for company!
You are not just lonely,
you are needy!
You wish you had someone
to love you and hold you..
you wish that you were not doing
all the things you are doing
alone...
so your alone time
is not peaceful..
it is sad and resentful...
then you reach a place
when you are alone..
and you are glad you are alone!
When you are alone,
you may miss people..
or even a loved one..
you may feel lonely at times,
BUT you enjoy the time you have!
you look for things to do ALONE..
you think..
you learn..
you grow...
THIS is when you heal!
When you have been alone long enough
to stop wishing you were not alone..
and instead accept and embrace the reality of what being alone is!
However, you cannot get here without going through
all the other steps!
and if you jump ship during one of the stages..
and find someone to fill the void
during the lonely times,
you will never reach the place of healing,
that allows you to
with an open heart
mind and soul
accept that maybe you are ready
to allow someone back in...
and maybe you are not!
But, either way
you will never again
want to NOT have time alone...
its a wonderful thing!

funny thing...

I set a goal...
not to date for a year...
after the end of my relationship!
almost 11 months have passed..
and still NO real desire to date!!
AND I am NOT LONELY!
I am not sure when it happened!
BUT it did!
All of a sudden..
I started living
for the future..
versus dwelling on the past!
and it happened without me even realizing it!
And so as the 'year' mark draws closer...
I know that for the first time in my life,
I am not looking for someone else to tell me what
I already know..
I am enough!
and life is good,
busy, tiring, stressful...
but oh so good!
for the first time..
I am not looking for someone else
to make my life better
or to complete me,
instead I am hesitant to share my time..
and happy with my freedom...
and content in my little home!
Deep down I know,
that this is where I must be
to ever reach the place of allowing another in...
but deeper down I know
that one step at a time,
and this step is still ALL about me
and getting healthy
and ensuring that never again
will I make the mistakes
that led me down this journey to begin with!!

Above all,
I am thrilled that I set the goal..
and know that taking this time
brought me to the place
that time is no longer the only thing
keeping me from jumping
into waters way above my head!!

How does dating fit???

I have been single for almost 9 months!
and yet..
have chosen not to date!
I can..
I am divorced.
BUT, I just don't want to!!
When my first marriage ended-
I started dating right away..
I thought it would bring validation!
it did...:)
and I met someone RIGHT away!

And to be clear
I think people get confused on why
rebound is not a good thing!
It is not always because one cannot love properly
I had been warned of that..
and knew I could give and love and be loyal!
What I was not taught is that rebound love
can be dangerous!
if you are are not whole or healthy..
you may not recognize dysfunction..
you may get in a mess!
and I did!

SO....this time I made a commitment..
one year NO dates!
and the thing is...
I often think that when the year mark comes..
I will probably still not be ready..
or eager!
I am not sure if its good or bad!
Its good that I like to be single..
but bad that I am fearful of trying...
hmmm..

BUT I do know
that waiting and not rushing
has already allowed for so much healing to happen!
It has allowed me the time to get my home in order
and establish routines!
If the time comes I go on a date..
or even..maybe..ummm...one day...possibly...
have a relationship,
my life is comfortable and in order!
My children are priority..
my job is established!!
I am not floating
liable to be swept away in the emotions and imbalance
that I have come to fear....

and so, until I am ready...
I will continue to enjoy
the simplicity of my life!