Sunday, February 7, 2010

He's just not that into you??

so..I have been home sick..
and I read A lot!
and have run out of books...
I got down the stack of self -help books
that I love to buy and hate to read!

The one I landed on is;
he's just not into you.
I loved the movie..
and the book is good!

It makes you think.
Why do we compromise?
why do we ignore all the signs?
what are we afraid of?
and how do we pass on
our new empowerment to our daughters??

I realize that my compromising
started way back!
When the boy I liked...
made fun of me and teased me..
and then wrote me a love note...
and I was told,
yes..he pulls your hair because he likes you!
So why do we not tell the girls,
"if he pulls your hair,stand tall, chin in the air and walk away!"
if he makes you cry..

instead, we make excuses..
and we accept the pulled hair and hurt feelings,
and then as the boys become men,
we take the hurts and the missed calls
or broken promises,
we take the unkind words or unfair expectations,
we take the rejection or lack of appreciation,
because that's just how men are??

I am learning..
that's not how it should be!
I have yet to have the 'real' thing!
Not real love..I had that, I have felt that..lived that!
but a real relationship..
two hearts, sharing one relationship..
yet, not clipping each others wings.
a relationship with dignity, and kindness and honesty and respect.
a relationship in which we are each better and soar higher,
then we would alone.
I do not need a relationship to complete me..
but one day I would like one that compliments my soul..
a connection that is pure and true..
and a love that has staying power,
no matter the season.

until then I will keep reading the book:)
so I know how to read the signs...!!


  1. Debbie,

    By all means keep reading but don't take it as Gospel. In fact, don't take anything as Gospel. By all means read or listen and allow the ideas to spark thoughts in your own mind but please remember that ANY self help book is just the thoughts of ONE person. It isn't right or wrong, it is just one persons view.
    Also I think the "real thing" as you say still IS true love. Yes I agree with your last paragraph, "two hearts...dignity....honesty etc but the vital ingredient is true love. Without that you wont look forward to the smell and warmth of you partners neck, to touch of reassurance from each other in times of trouble. The warm feeling inside when you have just thought of something that would make them smile.

    I have realised in the years since my divorce that I didn't ever TRULY love my ex wife and I know for certain it was mutual. I loved her, I cared for her but it wasn't true love. How do I know this? Because a few years ago I did feel it. A feeling you thought only existed in Disney movies. An elation that lasted and lasted. Sadly and for very complex reasons it wasn't to be and the relationship ended after just a couple of years. I'm grateful however that I've sampled how it feels. When I close my eyes I can still feel it. It's a treasure of a feeling.

    You can't give up on true love regardless of whether or not it ever passes your way again.

  2. I think, unfortunately, that since relationships are always changing, you can even start with this and then lose it over time. I really do think the first 3/4 of my marriage was very good and that we were complements to each other. But not at the end.

  3. did I miss LOVE??..I guess in some way I assume that! in other ways I am not sure its the MAIN ingredient! I want love! I believe in love and I have loved deeply! I do know what love feels like..and I want that again! I guess its the actions of love that I have not felt and the reflections of real love that I want to feel...the things that stem from the feeling and become actions and affirmations!Thanks for the thoughtful comment!!:)

  4. I think a huge part of the problem is we are raised to be careful of others' feelings. How many times to do we say to our children not to be rude to others. Hence we start the cycle of not telling the truth. Don't get me wrong, we need to teach manners! But can't help but think some of it comes back to not wanting to hurt the other's feelings.....

  5. secret agent-one of your posts dissapeared! NOT sure how I did that! BUT, I made the same promise! I want to be loved and treated in the same way that I should not be one sided! and yes, some of those initial feelings may fade! BUT in a relationship those feelings can also grow..!I have seen it happen! it just takes work! I am willing to work...JUST not alone!!:)

  6. mamma- I agree!! I first husband would stand up and cheer!:) and I agree with him! He as a young guy did not want to hurt me so went along with something he did not want! I have done the same in accepting treatment of ignoring I did not want to make waves , hurt feelings! We can speak truth with kindness...BUT, even now its hard for me! I am still overcoming the people pleaser in me!

  7. I loved the book and the movie (although I found it very difficult to be sympathetic to Scarlett's character). I read that book after my separation, and it really helped me see how blind I had been to the signs that my own husband was just not that into me. I was more careful after that. I wrote a post about this because my boyfriend is soooo much more into me than my ex and I was amazed how the differences:

    When a guy is really into you, it should not involve trying to "figure him out." I get that now.

  8. Mamma - That is a really good point and one that I hadn't even considered before you mentioned it!

  9. The education one gets from reading books is immeasurable. However, most of the time it is a bit hard to apply what we learn from books especially to ourselves.
    We all want to be loved. When the going gets rough, we find that 50% is great and the other 50% is tough. Most often that not, we ignore the latter. And sometimes people end up looking for that missing 50% from other people. And we all know that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

    I have not read that book. I have seen the movie.

    Like you, I want a relationship with kindess. I think it is important to be kind to each other.

    I want to thank you for your very sweet comment on Eddie's blog and mine. Thank you for the visit.
    You do have a beautiful family!

  10. running leap- I am looking forward to reading your post! After a REALLY bad,short second marraige I just do not think it should be THAT hard, you know? so I agree with the whole' figure it out thing'. great point!

    Girl from cherry blossom street-thanks for coming to visit!! so true that people tend to stay and yet keep looking for whats missing! Having been on the receiving end of that; leaving is so much kinder!

  11. I love what you said... 'I don't need a relationship to complete me, just one that compliments my soul'... what ace words. love it!

  12. eternally distracted- the key is finding it, right?:)!

  13. Well Debbie, You deserve some sort of award......the most commented on blog in 4 hours perhaps?

  14. Ha! It's just that I am home sick and can respond to each person individually!:)

  15. I wish we could sit down and have some coffee together, I have much to say on this subject. I too struggle with what I should teach my daughter. I especially liked one of the comments from your readers about girls being told that if a boy pulls your hair he likes you....and that teaching kids to be polite often turns into a cycle of lieing. I still don't know the answers. But I am trying to teach my daughter to be a strong woman and to value herself enough so that she will expact that kind of treatment from a man as well....keep posting insights about the subject...oh and the book, "Love Junkie" is one you might enjoy. A little difficult to read at times because it deals with sex addiction, but it is also about a woman who settles for what ever kind of men come along and how she recovered from her horrible relationship patterns.... it is a menoir, a true story

  16. Michelle- thanks for the book suggestion! I have a movie suggestion; runaway bride! really! I learned SO much watching this AFTER my therapist suggested it! LOL! I learned about the chameleons we can become in order to please some one, thinking we are making ourselves happy! LIKE you I struggle having daughters! BUT you nailed it; they have to value themselves enough to NOT tolerate mistreatment! NOT make excuses, NOT justify it, BUT not TOLERATE it! I am learning myself as I go...