Today was surreal..
out of nowhere
came memories and flashbacks
of the man in the middle!
I call him that, as he was after the love of my life..
and before the love of my future.
he became my bump in the road.
but he did not start that way..
our first REAL date was valentines day..3 years ago!
NOW I know that it was all for show!
NOW I know that when I asked if he
was 'like this with everyone'..
that yes, he was!
BUT then it felt like a dream...
a dream that became a nightmare!
I think the memories came not just because of the date
but the location.
I was at my fathers church today...
and while I have gone often since I left this man..
today I remembered...
I thought first of my poor dad!
The weekend I ran away...
his sharing with his church;
please pray..my daughter is gone..we do not know where she is!
I had fled!
I was scared!
and was hiding from the world..
and my parents were beside themselves!
I thought of what that must have been like for them..
that Sunday that he shared with his church,
his grown daughter has run away from home!
and I remembered what it was like for me..
to feel that nowhere was safe..
and no-one could help!
Then I thought back further..
to the first time
this man and I came to this church together!
We were newlyweds!
I was dressed in designer clothes,
the children looked nice..
the man in suit and tie!
we had the image exactly right!
The image was what mattered to this man!
I was starting to realize that..
the reality beginning to sink in!
and then I went further.
that fateful valentines day..
when I let myself get swept away,
by pretty words, and pretty flowers!
When I forgot that I could not just give away my heart..
I forgot how much was at stake,
or maybe I did not yet know.
and jumped into water way too deep,
moving way too fast,
it was cold,
it was strong,
it almost caused me to drown!
so today I was flooded with the past..
so thankful that I left..
so sad I ever stayed..
so aware of the damage one mistake can do..
It is done and we move on..
but its moments of reflection
that keep me sure about the future!
I do not wonder at why the moments happened.
I do not paint them in rosy colors and pretend!
I know my part and the part of others!
I own my choices
and live with my regrets..
and I vow, again, to never repeat the past!
and never so fear the present that I will give my future away...!