Sunday, February 14, 2010

flooded ...

Today was surreal..
out of nowhere
came memories and flashbacks
of the man in the middle!
I call him that, as he was after the love of my life..
and before the love of my future.
he became my bump in the road.

but he did not start that way..
our first REAL date was valentines day..3 years ago!
NOW I know that it was all for show!
NOW I know that when I asked if he
was 'like this with everyone'..
that yes, he was!
BUT then it felt like a dream...
a dream that became a nightmare!

I think the memories came not just because of the date
but the location.
I was at my fathers church today...
and while I have gone often since I left this man..
today I remembered...

I thought first of my poor dad!
The weekend I ran away...
his sharing with his church;
please pray..my daughter is gone..we do not know where she is!
I had fled!
I was scared!
and alone!
and was hiding from the world..
and my parents were beside themselves!
I thought of what that must have been like for them..
that Sunday that he shared with his church,
his grown daughter has run away from home!
and I remembered what it was like for me..
to feel that nowhere was safe..
and no-one could help!

Then I thought back further..
to the first time
this man and I came to this church together!
We were newlyweds!
I was dressed in designer clothes,
the children looked nice..
the man in suit and tie!
we had the image exactly right!
The image was what mattered to this man!
I was starting to realize that..
the reality beginning to sink in!

and then I went further.
that fateful valentines day..
when I let myself get swept away,
by pretty words, and pretty flowers!
When I forgot that I could not just give away my heart..
I forgot how much was at stake,
or maybe I did not yet know.

I JUMPED..
and jumped into water way too deep,
moving way too fast,
it was cold,
it was strong,
it almost caused me to drown!

so today I was flooded with the past..
so thankful that I left..
so sad I ever stayed..
so aware of the damage one mistake can do..

It is done and we move on..
but its moments of reflection
that keep me sure about the future!
I do not wonder at why the moments happened.
I do not paint them in rosy colors and pretend!
I know my part and the part of others!
I own my choices
and live with my regrets..
and I vow, again, to never repeat the past!
and never so fear the present that I will give my future away...!

22 comments:

  1. You have learned so much... and come so far. I didn't know you then but I'm so proud and happy to know you now! xo

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  2. Diane- I feel that way about you too, and ironically me! I did not know me then either...!:)

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  3. And now, you can let it all flood away. Enjoy this new life. The past is just that, Passed.
    HUGS

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  4. Well written Debbie, Just three years ago huh? You seem to have progressed really well in the last 12 months. Try to look forward more, Its better that way, you're less likely to bump into things! :)

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  5. Not a soccer mom- yes, faced and flooded OFF!:)

    Steve- agreed! about the past and the progress! Sometimes I face the past because after 1st hubby left I did not! I moved on..and did not move through! so this past year I have had to face lifetimes of memories !BUT I knew that by facing them I was letting them go..and healing!!! such a GREAT feeling!

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  6. First, I love the new look!
    Second, I always tell my sons and students it's only a mistake if we do not learn from it. You learned from it and know what to do because of it. Glad that you are moving on and healing!

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  7. Life is filled with so many experiences. We don't always learn the lessons from those moments until a short time later.

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  8. You are so brave to put it all out there like that

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  9. If you don't make mistakes, how will you ever learn? Give your self a brake and be glad that you are learing.

    Love the new look!

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  10. I really like your blog. It's so full of thought and poetic. And you have a beautiful family, by the way!

    Just introducing myself - I'm Sam your most recent follower. Hope you'll stop by my blog too!

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  11. Even our mistakes shape us and in some way enrich of, if only for the lessons they bring. That's how I try to look at it, anyway.

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  12. Debbie, the part about you not fearing the present again hit home with me. Thank you for sharing. -Pippi

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  13. mamma has spoken-I love what you said about it not being a mistake if you learn from it! loved that!

    Jack- so true..the lessons follow..just sometimes later!

    Michelle- not sure about brave,:) but I do know its the most healing thing I could have done.

    Danielle- so true.we would never learn without our mistakes.

    Sam- thank you and I am glad you stopped by. I am looking forward to visiting you too.

    secret agent woman- so true.We learn from the good and the bad.

    Pipster- that very fear was my downfall. never again:)!

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  14. Wow, that was amazing and beautifully said.

    It's hard not to question "WHY", but in time the reason becomes crystal clear. Sounds like you see that now, and you've learned a lesson from everything.

    Thanks for putting it out there and sharing it all with us.

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  15. Candice- I guess the 'whys' are sometimes the hardest things to get beyond..yet, the greatest lessons seem to come from understanding them!

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  16. Your mistakes have enabled you to be where you are today... such a great post :)

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  17. Debbie dear, it took me 20 years to learn to move on. I resisted to change, I thought and hoped that I could hang on to a marriage, which was doomed to fail, either through his or my doing. But having moved on, I truly feel alive for the 1st time after a long while. Let's put the past behind and learn to live once more. Blessings

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  18. I have never made a mistake that I haven't learned from, or had a miserable relationship with someone, who hasn't made me a better person today. When I watched my Mom bear her bitter divorce with my Dad @ 15 yrs old, I held her in my arms as she cried, and said, "Mom, you have to think about the things you HAVE in your life, now. Not the things you think you DON'T have." Every time I've been low, she has told me the same exact story. (Way too many times, in my opinion! ;)) But, it always helps keep things in perspective. What a blessed woman you are to have such a beautiful family, and a second chance at life.

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  19. Beautifully and honestly written.

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  20. Eternally distracted- I am learning to be grateful for the mistakes!:)

    Gaia- one of the things I count as a blessing is that I knew when I did, and have the rest of my life ahead! blessings my friend!

    hissyfits and halos-what a beautiful and inspiring comment! thankyou!

    kelly H-Y- thankyou! nice to see you!:)

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  21. You working on that book yet? You have such a way, such a wisdom, perhaps it's time :)

    Breeze

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  22. breeze- I have missed you!:) and...I have been hearing similiar sentiments..wondering when I might start listening!!!:) such a BIG step!! LOVE your by the way!!

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