Saturday, February 20, 2010

deep...but needed...

today my daughter was cheering..
my ex and I were at the game..
we sat together..
and we chatted.
We can do this..
we are friends.
we get along well..
but are still learning
how to handle our differences,
and there are many.
we have good boundaries,
we discuss the kids..
light, surface topics,
but not his relationship..
or mine..(ok if I had one!LOL!)

but sometimes,
something is said..
that hurts my feelings!
This is the nature of being casual
with someone you once loved deeply.

the comment made
was not about him being right or wrong.
or about me being right or wrong.
it is a perception..
his vs mine.
but his perception is his reality,
and visa versa.

today the comment was a reminder of the way
we each view our marraige.
for me the hurt and trauma came in the ending,
and the way it happened.
for him the hurt and trauma came in the marraige,
and that it started at all.

this is hard..
as I loved deeply.
I loved with all I had...
and yet it was this very intensity, conviction,
and blind determination;
that left this man feeling trapped and smothered,
and now looking back,
he does so with memories that are not all warm and fuzzy.

and I get this!
I get that our differences
manifested in ways
that caused resentment in him..
and contentment in me.
I don't feel angry anymore at that!

the thing is..
I loved so much for so long..
16 years..
and when I understand that the same memories
that stir memories of love and completeness in me..
cause memories of entrapment and the walls closing in for him..
it makes me wonder,

what was it all for?
when you love with all you have and all you are;
and the only mark you leave on the heart and soul
of the one you loved;
is one of chains and barbed wire fences....
what is the point?
how does your love count?
I just wonder!

there is no real answer.
he is not being ugly..
his comment was not unkind.
we are honest with eachother,
we do not see everything the same..
he is being true to who he is.
I get that!
I honor that...

I am no longer sad or angry..
I have moved on as has he..
but I think we all want our effort..
our love,
our devotion,
our legacy ,
to count!
and so this moment..
I am revisiting what I know;
He never wanted to be where he was.
he did not fall out of love,
we did not grow apart,
he just made a mistake.
so where does that leave what for me were very real feelings..
and what happens to the part of your heart that gets left behind,
when there is no one there to claim it?

I just wonder!


  1. I never wanted to be where I was either. I hope that you don't hold this against me. Thank you for writing about this as it is always helpful for me to read the other side. -Pippi

  2. I'm thinking it is all in perspective, yours vs his. He may have seen it as a mistake, but you don't. He's allowed to have his opinion and you have yours. Embrace it and keep moving on like you've been doing.

  3. First off, this was really beautifully written, thank you for sharing it. Secondly, as a divorced woman myself, I must tell you I struggle with these same issues.

    I think about that fact that this person whom I loved with all my heart, who knew me better than ANYONE, simply decided that I wasn't enough, and walked out. I'm at a complete loss of what to do with the happy memories I have of him. Were they all a lie, or was he actually really "into it" at that point?

    I have moved on and have remarried, but I must admit those questions still linger in the back of my mind! Hope you are able to find closure!

  4. I have no answers today, no nugget of wisdom to impart, I just wanted to say that your post is wonderfully written Debbie.

  5. I am not there. I do not want to sit together, ever. Dread it. Can't imagine it changing. I do it, when I need to, but don't care to. You are are in a place I can't imagine.

  6. Nothing to add other than I appreciate your words.

  7. I remember that moment at the end when I realized that I saw things differently than he. And I remember the weight lifting from me when I realized that nothing I said or did would change his perspective.

    That's the thing about perspective. They are as unique as we are.


  8. It's so good to hear that the 2 of you can talk as friends even though it can be painful. It will do your kids a world of good to see mom and dad chatting and not at war. Debbie, you are awesome!

  9. Your love and devotion did and does count and you can see it personified in the three sweet children you made together. Sitting side by side at the game, united for the cause of supporting your children, speaks volumes. The journey isn't always the only thing, sometimes in some things, its all about the destination.

  10. I have a business with my ex, so I see him every day' We're friendly, but I also sometimes wonder what happened with hi, and why things change. Then again, he occasionally says things that remind me why it's good we're no longer married.

  11. pipster- I don't hold that against you! I really get it!!!!

    mama has spoken- each of these moments that I do embrace actually catapaults me further towards wholeness.

    anything fits- comment made me cry. its so true..those questions..why was I not enough?

    Steve-thankyou for saying that.

    She writes- I get that! in fact my second, short marraige..I would not want to sit in the same city with that person. some hurts run to deep...

    Jack- thankyou!!

    T- thats exactly it..the letting go when you know it is what it is.

    secret agent- this made me smile. I can relate.

    Michelle- love when you stop by!

  12. Debra- thats so true. My children are the past, the present and the future of the love that I gave.

    nat- thats what makes it all worth while..knowing the kids will be better for our healthy relationship.

  13. Ian, that is an amazing thing for you to say.Thankyou! I do not see myself as a writer..I just journal out loud...:)

  14. Debbie... My first thought on reading this: how incredibly sad to have loved so much, and to have that love received not with joy, but as pain.

    And my next thought was: how sad and unfortunate it is for him that he was unable to revel in the warmth you were offering. To be so close to someone who cared so much, and yet to be so far as to be unable to appreciate it at all. I think we each long to have someone who cares about us deeply, intensely, lovingly. To actually have that, and yet not feel the connection... to not be receptive to it, but to instead feel trapped by it... That is also sad.