I still get catch my breath at the irony..

life is good.
I am content!
I wish I had a job..
but that shall come.
all in all..
life is what it should be!
And I am in a wonderful place.

Yet, still there are moments!
The moments do not make me sad.
Sometimes they make me wonder.
Sometimes they make me think.
and Sometimes I have to take a breath!

There is irony in hurt.
Today I drove by the workplace
of my ex.
Its near my house,
I drive by daily.
For some reason I was aware of the time of day..
and it struck me,
he had probably left work
and had probably gone home.

The irony??
of the 2 of us,
his is the life that most reflects what he left!
He is the one in the serious relationship.
He is the one who goes home from work
to be with the one he loves.
He is the one buying tickets for 5;
3 kids- 2 adults.

How ironic-
when the reason he left,
was not wanting 'that'.
The truth?
It was not 'that'-
it was 'that' with me-.

It has taken time but I get that,
and am OK with that!

But, in moments-
I cannot help but see the irony!
I cannot help but reflect
on all that was and is no more!!

Maybe the biggest irony-
is that out of the 2 of us,
I turned out to be the one
more OK alone.
I turned out to be the one
more OK with where we are,
then I ever would have guessed.

This is better for me-
Better then what was.
I am happier, healthier and more hopeful
then I ever imagined possible.
Not sure if that is irony..
but I do know that it's true.

the rules keep changing...

so,
I am feeling
a little more ready
then I felt before...
as I grow and evolve,
as I begin to unfurl the wings
I finally seemed to have found..
I am feeling more open and receptive
to the next stage of this new life I live..
yes, *gasp* dating!

But, heres the problem..
(OK so I find lots of problems
with this subject)
Here is ONE problem;
the rules have changed but I have not.
I don't call boys..:)
OK..I call them AFTER we have a relationship!
(and I know this based on the WHOLE 2 relationships
I have had! ha!)
But, I know I want to be the lady!
I know I want to be called and asked out!
I know I want a little more tradition
then a text..
or fax..
or even email.

And yet,
in reading blogs
and watching single folks around,
I see that in the 17 plus years
I spent married
(albeit it to two different men)
dating has changed.
Men seem to like woman who take the initiative,
who know what they want..

Here's the thing;
I have come a long way!
I have reached a place
that I know who I am,
what I desire
and who I aspire to be.
and I know this...
I will wait as long as it takes
to bump into 'tradition'
and some one old fashioned enough
to want to ask,
and woo...
yup I said woo:)!!

until then..
I feel excited to be in this place
that says
whatever shall come will come,
and I feel ready to face
whatever that might be!

reality bites....OK it aches...

Most days and moments
I am OK..
just me!
But, today I feel alone.
not lonely...alone.

I feel the ache of not
having someone
on 'your side'..
someone who whether they agree
or disagree
has sworn allegiance!
I am loved and supported by my family
and friends!
But, there is a whole other level
to feeling a part of a whole,
when some one CHOOSES you.
CHOOSES to love you!
CHOOSES to face hurdles with you!
CHOOSES to be your support.

When you face the bumps in life,
maybe a health scare,
maybe a fight with a friend,
maybe a fall out at work...
and you have no-one waiting at home
to say " WHAT??!!!NO!" :)
no-one to take your side JUST because its YOU!
I miss that!!
I miss someone who knows my heart and intentions
even when my actions or words
cause dissension..
someone who understands what I meant
even if its not what I said..
or did!

And so today,
I feel that ache!!
That ache as I face
some small bumps;
as an island unto myself..
that ache at not being
KNOWN..and HEARD..and LOVED
for me..
that ACHE that the one
who said they would do that
did not...

Its an ache that will not stay,
like the bumps I am facing
it will pass...
but its an ache that reminds me
how hurt I still am.
What a long way up the mountain
the path to healing is..
How far I have climbed
and yet how far from the top I still am.

And then I wonder,
maybe this is as high as I can go?
Maybe this is where I pitch my tent
and begin to accept
and grow
and grasp
that where I am
is where I am meant to be.
..for now..
And yes, it will ache in moments.
But, the alternative has hurt more.
and yes, at times I feel the despair
of facing life alone...
but, I can change that if I choose..
when and if I am ever ready.

And so I accept this moment for just that.
a moment.
I will focus on my FAITH..
Faith in my creator,
Faith in my future
and Faith in the HOPE
that the present resides within.

tumbling emotions...

hmmmm...
yep! thats all I have!
OK not really!
BUT hmmmm.....
for the last year I have felt completely
determined
to not date...
or be open to date...
or to even think about dating!
I am not sure thats changed...
and yet,
the idea is not repulsing me as much!
Thats good right?:)!
There is no 'person'
but I have begun to notice
tenderness between men and women...
and remember,
and wonder..
and think,
maybe, that would not be the worst thing in the world!
BUT, then again...
I guess the moral
of my tumbling words..
is I am ready to think about..
thinking about it!
and after two devastating hurts...
thats a start!

importance of learning who you are...

Time alone after a divorce is VITAL!
I can say this NOT because I am so smart
and insightful..
but because I did it all wrong the first go round!

The time alone..takes time...!
meaning;
When the divorce first happens
you are alone...
but you do not want to be there!
You do not want to be alone,
and the loneliness is consuming!
Then you reach a place
when you are still alone
but long for company!
You are not just lonely,
you are needy!
You wish you had someone
to love you and hold you..
you wish that you were not doing
all the things you are doing
alone...
so your alone time
is not peaceful..
it is sad and resentful...
then you reach a place
when you are alone..
and you are glad you are alone!
When you are alone,
you may miss people..
or even a loved one..
you may feel lonely at times,
BUT you enjoy the time you have!
you look for things to do ALONE..
you think..
you learn..
you grow...
THIS is when you heal!
When you have been alone long enough
to stop wishing you were not alone..
and instead accept and embrace the reality of what being alone is!
However, you cannot get here without going through
all the other steps!
and if you jump ship during one of the stages..
and find someone to fill the void
during the lonely times,
you will never reach the place of healing,
that allows you to
with an open heart
mind and soul
accept that maybe you are ready
to allow someone back in...
and maybe you are not!
But, either way
you will never again
want to NOT have time alone...
its a wonderful thing!

Its not about a solution its about acceptance...

I think many times
when someone finds them selves
single-again
and it was NOT what they had planned for their lives..
When is it??
They want a solution!
a fix!
They want it to get better...
and deep down they want something to change!

I went looking for that change..
I was not passive..
I was sure and confident
that there was a SOLUTION...
This could not be the destination of my life!!
and as I have shared..
my solution was my down fall!

And so I now have come to understand...
the vital step
in moving forward,
is not looking for a change,
or waiting for the next stage in your life.
Instead its accepting,
the now!
The new place you are..
and the place you may always be!!
A single person! a single-again person!

facing all the things
that in the past you did as a 'couple'..
now movies, dinners, church, reunions,
you are doing those things alone!
And the thing is..
thats OK!
Not only is it OK...
its fun!
Its a time to rediscover who you are,
a time to heal and grow!
its also a time to hurt and mourn...
and then little by little to let go
of what was..
and embrace what is!
It does not happen overnight...
Nor, do I believe it will happen on its own..
BUT it will happen!!
And the time you put into YOU..
will pay off..
when YOU are healthy and WHOLE..
and YOU get to choose to move on alone..
or move on open to the idea of another!
BUT either way YOU choose!
and either way YOU are OK!

funny thing...

I set a goal...
not to date for a year...
after the end of my relationship!
almost 11 months have passed..
and still NO real desire to date!!
AND I am NOT LONELY!
I am not sure when it happened!
BUT it did!
All of a sudden..
I started living
for the future..
versus dwelling on the past!
and it happened without me even realizing it!
And so as the 'year' mark draws closer...
I know that for the first time in my life,
I am not looking for someone else to tell me what
I already know..
I am enough!
and life is good,
busy, tiring, stressful...
but oh so good!
for the first time..
I am not looking for someone else
to make my life better
or to complete me,
instead I am hesitant to share my time..
and happy with my freedom...
and content in my little home!
Deep down I know,
that this is where I must be
to ever reach the place of allowing another in...
but deeper down I know
that one step at a time,
and this step is still ALL about me
and getting healthy
and ensuring that never again
will I make the mistakes
that led me down this journey to begin with!!

Above all,
I am thrilled that I set the goal..
and know that taking this time
brought me to the place
that time is no longer the only thing
keeping me from jumping
into waters way above my head!!

friends and hurt.....

I think that its inevitable
when you go through a break up
or life upheaval
too at some point..
feel betrayed by a friend, or two,
in some shape or form!
For me this has been in several ways...
When my first husband left I lived in denial..
feeling very little..
so now three years later..
I sometimes feel the sting,
of the friends that were 'ours'
and are now 'theirs'.
I wonder how they are OK with it all..
and so there is a sense of hurt!
Even though in truth,
I understand it!
and know they all have to move on...
it still leaves its mark.
When I left my second husband
I felt the sting of betrayal..
when friends who were his..
(because thats all we had..were his friends)
but became mine..
chose to longer communicate with me!
Above all, it confused me..
because if they knew the truth..
there would be no reason for them to feel that way..
so I wonder what they were told..
and feel a small sting at the rejection...
and lastly,
there are the friendships that cannot withstand
the turmoil.
The friends who think you should have done it differently,
or got tired of hearing it..
or who just got tired of waiting for you to get your life together..
and those lost friendships hurt too!
Now three years later..
now that I look at life through realistic filters,
I believe that this is part of the process!
and it is hard!
as a single person,
you are already lonely,
you are sometimes already rejected..
you are often in need of support and validation..
so the loss of these people..
no matter how distant or close..
just adds hurt upon hurt!!

BUT, when the dust settles....
I have realized that it has all turned out the way it should.
I have lost friendships..
and I have gained some!
The friends who accepted and became 'their' friends
are really not missed in the scope of things!
The friends who chose to listen to lies rather then accept truth
would never have been a support any way!
So, the blessing is..
as the 'weeding' process happens
you are left with the friends who you should be investing in!
and if you are left alone..
then its time to start looking...
and refilling your life
with friends who care and support, listen and love!
Good friends are the greatest aid in the healing process...
and hurtful ones the greatest detriment!
No different then letting go of the love and past...
its vital to let go of the hurt and 'injustice'
and instead focus on the people in your life
that leave you feeling better for the time spent in their presence!
They are out there.....

finding me...

I am still working on my last counseling assignment...
finding ways to show that I respect myself...
I am realizing how much in life I compromise..
and am also seeing where I lack boundaries,
even within my own choices..,
my own lack of impulse control!
I tend to do then think...

Alot of these things take time..
and certainly realizing them is the first step..

but reclaiming me
not just fixing me..
but reclaiming who I am...
has been a process in the works
for the last 10 months!
Slowly I have begun to reclaim my ideals...
I have always been more flower child then 90s child...
I would have loved to join the peace core..
and I would have been good at it!!;)
I am passionate about animals...
and the world we live in!
I want to make a difference,
help..
leave a footprint behind when I leave this earth!
and part of reclaiming me
has been reclaiming that!

I also tend to live out loud..
I want to live what I believe..
I tend to live my beliefs in big ways..
and so, as I embrace me
accept me
learn to be me,
with no one to frown on my quirkiness...
I have gone back to my high school passions
and am doing my part to save the world!!:)
its never to late..
10 months ago I went back to a vegetarian lifestyle...
this week I am taking the next step to vegan.
Its about so much more then how I eat!
Its about who I am..
how I want to live my life..
who I want to be...
its the best part of where I am!
The place in which becoming me
is not a chore..
but is a blast!!!!!!!

complicated world but not as scary as I thought,,,

It seems that every day
my journey gets just a little easier..
and sometimes I do something
and wonder why did I wait so long?
and yet I know
that in truth
its all in Gods timing..
and rushing the process
brings a different outcome...
something I know so well!!
So much has started to fall into place in my life...
two of the things are connected!
The first is a new friendship!
I have found as I age that connecting is much harder!
I think its due to many things
but one of those things
is that its harder to put yourself out there with new people...
so, often friendships that don't already have history attached
tend to stay at the surface level..
therefore, making a new connection..
with someone that speaks my heart language,
makes me laugh, will listen if I am sad, and embraces my family into hers..
has been very impacting!!
in addition
that friendship
led me back
to an old church home...
and that has been life changing!
As I sat in church today
and felt the vibrant energy
and saw faces of people I love
I wondered why did it take me so long..
to come back where I belong?
the answer is,
I belong here now!
and now is perfect!
But these things...
so simple
yet so strong...
continue to push me forward towards the place
of wholeness...
they remind me I am not on this journey alone...
and they encourage me to keep learning
and growing...
I am so thankful for so much!
I have a wonderful family whose support has literally saved me...
I have children I adore and that have given me the motivation to keep moving...
and now the I have heart connections I longed for,
and a church that feels like being home!
All these things work together for good..
all these things are part
of learning how to live..
and all these things are part of the richness of life
that awaits when the pain passes
and the living begins!

How does dating fit???

I have been single for almost 9 months!
and yet..
have chosen not to date!
I can..
I am divorced.
BUT, I just don't want to!!
When my first marriage ended-
I started dating right away..
I thought it would bring validation!
it did...:)
and I met someone RIGHT away!

And to be clear
I think people get confused on why
rebound is not a good thing!
It is not always because one cannot love properly
I had been warned of that..
and knew I could give and love and be loyal!
What I was not taught is that rebound love
can be dangerous!
if you are are not whole or healthy..
you may not recognize dysfunction..
you may get in a mess!
and I did!

SO....this time I made a commitment..
one year NO dates!
and the thing is...
I often think that when the year mark comes..
I will probably still not be ready..
or eager!
I am not sure if its good or bad!
Its good that I like to be single..
but bad that I am fearful of trying...
hmmm..

BUT I do know
that waiting and not rushing
has already allowed for so much healing to happen!
It has allowed me the time to get my home in order
and establish routines!
If the time comes I go on a date..
or even..maybe..ummm...one day...possibly...
have a relationship,
my life is comfortable and in order!
My children are priority..
my job is established!!
I am not floating
liable to be swept away in the emotions and imbalance
that I have come to fear....

and so, until I am ready...
I will continue to enjoy
the simplicity of my life!

Life single...

So many things you cannot prepare for..
tonight was my daughters school play!
First school event...
of course, this means...
all attend!
Me...
their dad....
and his girlfriend!
And while I like her...
and While him and I are on
friendly terms..
I wonder if the feeling
of 'just something being off'.....
will ever go away!

When they walk out the door with my children,
me following a few paces behind..
will it ever not look like a photograph gone wrong..
as if somehow the picture got mixed up with someone
elses...

Its not about feelings...
its about whats seems natural I guess,...
and I guess I am still in the acceptance stage
in some of this!

I would not go back for anything...
the lessons I have learnt
and the person I am today
were worth every single tear
that ever dropped upon my cheek!!

But, I still look at the kids
and feel they belong to 'us'..
not him (and sort of her...)
and me!

I know also,
that this is a difficult process..
no matter how good it is!
No matter how much I like
the girlfriend..
No matter how much I appreciatte
how good she is to them..
When from the stage they wave...
to get her attention,
not mine...
it hurts!! Can't help it!!
I realize I share their hearts!
I am not protective of that!
They matter enough for me to want
the best in all parts of their life.
I find joy in the happiness they feel
in both their homes...
and yet still...
this was my 'spot'...
I was the only 'mother' figure...
moving over...
even just a little...
is not as easy as it sounds!!:)

All part of the process...
All part of the struggle..
and All part of the journey
that will bring me to a better
tomorrow....

Second time single..first time freed!

I have so much to hurt over..
as do many!
BUT I have so much to be grateful for!

this is my second go round...
I have had only 2 loves in my life..
only 2 relationships.
Both became 'forevers'
yet neither stood the test of time.

Both were so different
and while both left footprints on my heart
one left in its wake..
fear, trepidation, awareness and deep relief.

The first time I found my self single..
I did not want to be there.
the state of being single
was the trap.
I did not want to be alone..
I liked love,
I liked relationships,
I liked being married.

Then I experienced being trapped in a different way.
being in a marraige
that was not what it seemed..
being with a person
bent on dominance and control..
and I felt trapped in ways I cannot explain.
I could not breathe..

My second time single
feels like freedom personified.
I feel alive again,
I feel light
as if a heaviness has been taken from my back,
I feel refreshed;
as if my airway has reopened
and I can gulp in the outside air
once again.

I drink in this state of being
and know that I am lucky!
I was strong enough to get away..
loved enough by others
to have a place to turn...
hurt enough by my past
to not have given all of me...
and because of all of this
I could run
and start fresh...

I can look at my children
and feel deeply grateful
for the choice I made.
and I can live my life
knowing there is worse
then being alone...
and I know what it feels
to loose your freedom
and I know the exhiliration
of finding it again....

For all that and more..
I am deeply thankful!

Not lonely..lacking purpose

I realised something important..
I have been thinking about why
sometimes I love being alone
and sometimes I feel sad alone.

I thought that meant I was lonely,
and Yet my heart ache is so fresh
that the desire to start new
is non-existant!

I have a very supportive family
3 wonderful children
and am blessed with the most amazing friends..
so, lonely did not seem to fit!

I know what it is!
When I am productive I have purpose!
I know my place
my role
where I fit in the world.
After a day at work,
I get my kids,
I manage my home
and prepare for the next day...
when alone time comes it is welcomed!
It has a purpose;
to refresh
relax.....regain strength to do it all over again!

When I am heading somewhere,
meeting someone..
planning something...
I have a plan!
My footing is sure!

The sadness?
its more a feeling of being lost!
Not lonely,
but we are not taught the difference.
We assume we are lonely and look to fill the void..
with someone..
when instead we feel lost
because we are unsure
in the moment
of our purpose
and should look to fill the void
with something instead..
even understanding!

Expecting the feeling..
knowing that an aimless sunday
when the kids are at their dads,
friends are busy,
work is done...
will bring a loss of direction;

I will not be caught of gaurd!
I can learn to over come it,
and I believe I will..
but in the meantime I can beat it..
plan around it..
or just meet it head on!
But I will know which feeling has overcome me
and not mistake it for another..

the first step for me
in not repeating mistakes
of the past!