How long is a year?

Today marks the anniversary
of the day I left..
and turned my back on
the saddest, most oppressive, most demeaning and hurtful situation I have ever been in...
I have relived that night in my blog..
it was truly the worst night of my life!
And so, on this significant date
I will instead reflect on all that has come to pass!

One year ago I left..
with no plan!
I will be eternally grateful to those
who paved the way
with a moments notice,
for me to be safe and free!
I did not know where I would live..
where I would work...
how I would survive!
I was scared to death!!!!

one year later...
The kids and I live in a wonderful little home..
we have a big backyard,
a fireplace
(that we use in ANY weather!!!)
family pets...
used but good furniture...
its eclectic..
NOTHING matches!
ITS quirky as all get out!
Its EVERYTHING my home should be!
And when I walk outside in the mornings...
I breathe in the air
and I know that I am free..
sometimes I worry about bills...
I do not have a lot..
but I have a place
for my children and I..
provided, not by someone
who expects my soul..
but instead by my hard work!

One year later....
I have a job I love...
I teach little ones!
something I was born to do!
I have always loved children!
Always loved to teach!
And Always loved to nurture!
Ideally I wanted to spend my lifetime homeschooling my children..
that was not the plan for my life!
So instead I get to love on others children.
They are part of my heart...
and I would not choose to do anything else!
If I must be a working mom..
and I must..
I am doing what I love!!

One year later..
I am 3 weeks away
from completing the classes I need for a 2 year certification
needed in my field!
There is a little more left in the process
but I am almost there!
6 months of school
for 2 nights a week..
while working full time..
and raising 3 kids..
no small feat!
But, I did it!

One year later..
I have started counseling!
I have begun to learn how to say no.
or at least recognize when I should have said no!
I have started becoming who I want to be
rather then who I think I should be!
I have had not one moment of regret for leaving!
My regret is getting in the situation to begin with!
and through counseling I am learning
how to make sure
it never happens again!

On year later..
I have yet to go on a date!
and I have yet to desire to go on a date!
I have been asked..
and I have considered...
and yet know I am not ready!
I am where I want to be,
and for now that is very single!

One year later..
my children are thriving..
great grades in school..
all involved in outside activities...
all have friends..
(or in my sons case..the introvert..he knows some people he likes!:) its a start!)
they love their church,
they see their dad,
they are normal kids
with normal issues..
and thats the best part!
There is no longer dysfunction and fear!
Their life is normal...
their mother happy..stressed sometimes..but happy!
They are free to just live and be kids...

On year later...
I am participating in a church dinner theater,
something I enjoy!
I walk and sometimes run!
when I choose!
I am a vegetarian
most of the time vegan..
something that feeds my soul
and convictions!
I have a best friend!
I have old DEAR friends!
I have new GOOD friends!
I have SADLY lost some friends!
But, my personal life
is rich and full!

One year later...
above all..
I am relearning to trust
and rely on
my savior and Lord!!
I have been protected and carried
by Jesus..
through the storm!
He has taught me that no mistake
is to big for him to forgive or restore..
that no hurt is to big for him to heal!
He has loved me completely!

One year later..
I am safe in his arms..
I am free of the fear!

Freedom of choice...

There is so much I am learning
about who I am!
Things I might have learnt sooner
if I was not so busy trying to please..
someone I loved!

I have learnt that I am strong willed!
I have also learnt that its OK!!
I have learnt that I need to be connected to my parents...
and that's OK too!!
I gave that up once....for love...allowed limits..
where limits did not belong!
I now realise how vital
a simple connection
is to my very state of being!

I have learnt that I need freedom of choice.
Even small choices, sometimes....
I need my choices to count!
I need freedom in how I spend my money..
again..not in big ways...
bills dictate a lot:)
but $10 at a flea market goes a long way...
and never again will I give over all my 'will'...
in this area!

I have learnt that I need time alone...
not always...
but sometimes!
I need to think, feel, cry or relax
without pressure to please or cater too
anyone but me....

I need time with my kids!
I need family time!
I need outings..
and movie nights..
and game night!
I need to be a mom...
first and foremost in this season of my life..


I have learnt that I need girlfriend time!
I need martinis and coffee..
(altho not always at the same time LOL.)
BUT I need that!
It is not a luxury...
it is part of my make up
and when I gave up my friends..
to make another happy!
I lost a part of me....


I have learnt that I need some measure of chaos!
Some thrive in order...
with schedules...
and day planners...
I need those things because they are a necessary evil..
but I thrive on the last minute trip!
The dinner decided on 5 minutes ago...
the trip to the beach just because its nice out...
I need to be spontaneous...
it brings me joy...
I need junk drawers in each room....
the organized chaos that makes my home function..
is also part of my makeup!
And I no longer believe that it is anything other
then what it should be!!


I have also learnt that I need animals!
I don't just like them and enjoy them..
they speak to my soul!
they are part of what brings me joy!
Again, I saw this before as an area of me
that i could ignore,
let go...for the sake of another!
NOW I see the fact that
'the other' will need to be more of me
in this area...
or I would rather be alone...

I thrive on my passions..
my Lord is my passion..
my children are my passion...
my family is my passion...
my friends are my passion...
and animals are my passion...
so, if a man once again becomes my passion...
He will have to, this time, share or accept my passions..
as I no longer believe that i should let go of me..
to meet another only on their terms!

so...all this soul searching and new found freedom

has led me to add some new family members...
our home , as is,
consists of
1 mom,
3 kids
1 Yorkie
1 tortoise
1 rabbit
4 hermit crabs
4 fish..

Pictured above,
our newest additions..
THE TWINS!!

now...please help us name them!
They are boys...
and we are on hunt for names as cute as them!

Second time single..first time freed!

I have so much to hurt over..
as do many!
BUT I have so much to be grateful for!

this is my second go round...
I have had only 2 loves in my life..
only 2 relationships.
Both became 'forevers'
yet neither stood the test of time.

Both were so different
and while both left footprints on my heart
one left in its wake..
fear, trepidation, awareness and deep relief.

The first time I found my self single..
I did not want to be there.
the state of being single
was the trap.
I did not want to be alone..
I liked love,
I liked relationships,
I liked being married.

Then I experienced being trapped in a different way.
being in a marraige
that was not what it seemed..
being with a person
bent on dominance and control..
and I felt trapped in ways I cannot explain.
I could not breathe..

My second time single
feels like freedom personified.
I feel alive again,
I feel light
as if a heaviness has been taken from my back,
I feel refreshed;
as if my airway has reopened
and I can gulp in the outside air
once again.

I drink in this state of being
and know that I am lucky!
I was strong enough to get away..
loved enough by others
to have a place to turn...
hurt enough by my past
to not have given all of me...
and because of all of this
I could run
and start fresh...

I can look at my children
and feel deeply grateful
for the choice I made.
and I can live my life
knowing there is worse
then being alone...
and I know what it feels
to loose your freedom
and I know the exhiliration
of finding it again....

For all that and more..
I am deeply thankful!