just like that..a sad shift in focus..

so yesterday
I was wondering where to start.
Overwhelmed with all to do,
not enough time..
way to many plans...

And then,
sadly,
one of our cats..
was hit by a car and killed.
and the focus shifted!
just like that!!
Nothing on my list got done,
as I comforted my children.
They were beautiful and compassionate
in their heart break.
My son stepped into his young mans role;
digging the grave,
hammering the little cross...
the girls brought flowers and painted rocks..
all cried.
Its very sad.

As their mom
I know that this is a slice of life!
It hurts and more hurt with follow.
As children
they cannot imagine much worse.

Its these moments
that leave me as a mom..
wondering..
how do you comfort them
and make it OK?

I did all I knew,
I listened,
I held them,
I allowed them space,
and I sat outside with my youngest
when she decided she was going to keep
a vigil
by the grave.

I do know that for that space of time,
nothing else
that needed to be done
was done!

and maybe theres the answer..
priorities
fall into place
when you recognise
the moments
that supersede
the plans and priorities
you thought you had..
priorities shift
and move like quick sand..
and sometimes they become
the moment
that can be ignored
but will forever leave regret
if its not taken and lived to its fullest.

The moment that lives forever in your heart..
as opposed to the moment that fades and dissapears
and merges into all the others.

Freedom of choice...

There is so much I am learning
about who I am!
Things I might have learnt sooner
if I was not so busy trying to please..
someone I loved!

I have learnt that I am strong willed!
I have also learnt that its OK!!
I have learnt that I need to be connected to my parents...
and that's OK too!!
I gave that up once....for love...allowed limits..
where limits did not belong!
I now realise how vital
a simple connection
is to my very state of being!

I have learnt that I need freedom of choice.
Even small choices, sometimes....
I need my choices to count!
I need freedom in how I spend my money..
again..not in big ways...
bills dictate a lot:)
but $10 at a flea market goes a long way...
and never again will I give over all my 'will'...
in this area!

I have learnt that I need time alone...
not always...
but sometimes!
I need to think, feel, cry or relax
without pressure to please or cater too
anyone but me....

I need time with my kids!
I need family time!
I need outings..
and movie nights..
and game night!
I need to be a mom...
first and foremost in this season of my life..


I have learnt that I need girlfriend time!
I need martinis and coffee..
(altho not always at the same time LOL.)
BUT I need that!
It is not a luxury...
it is part of my make up
and when I gave up my friends..
to make another happy!
I lost a part of me....


I have learnt that I need some measure of chaos!
Some thrive in order...
with schedules...
and day planners...
I need those things because they are a necessary evil..
but I thrive on the last minute trip!
The dinner decided on 5 minutes ago...
the trip to the beach just because its nice out...
I need to be spontaneous...
it brings me joy...
I need junk drawers in each room....
the organized chaos that makes my home function..
is also part of my makeup!
And I no longer believe that it is anything other
then what it should be!!


I have also learnt that I need animals!
I don't just like them and enjoy them..
they speak to my soul!
they are part of what brings me joy!
Again, I saw this before as an area of me
that i could ignore,
let go...for the sake of another!
NOW I see the fact that
'the other' will need to be more of me
in this area...
or I would rather be alone...

I thrive on my passions..
my Lord is my passion..
my children are my passion...
my family is my passion...
my friends are my passion...
and animals are my passion...
so, if a man once again becomes my passion...
He will have to, this time, share or accept my passions..
as I no longer believe that i should let go of me..
to meet another only on their terms!

so...all this soul searching and new found freedom

has led me to add some new family members...
our home , as is,
consists of
1 mom,
3 kids
1 Yorkie
1 tortoise
1 rabbit
4 hermit crabs
4 fish..

Pictured above,
our newest additions..
THE TWINS!!

now...please help us name them!
They are boys...
and we are on hunt for names as cute as them!