reality bites....OK it aches...

Most days and moments
I am OK..
just me!
But, today I feel alone.
not lonely...alone.

I feel the ache of not
having someone
on 'your side'..
someone who whether they agree
or disagree
has sworn allegiance!
I am loved and supported by my family
and friends!
But, there is a whole other level
to feeling a part of a whole,
when some one CHOOSES you.
CHOOSES to love you!
CHOOSES to face hurdles with you!
CHOOSES to be your support.

When you face the bumps in life,
maybe a health scare,
maybe a fight with a friend,
maybe a fall out at work...
and you have no-one waiting at home
to say " WHAT??!!!NO!" :)
no-one to take your side JUST because its YOU!
I miss that!!
I miss someone who knows my heart and intentions
even when my actions or words
cause dissension..
someone who understands what I meant
even if its not what I said..
or did!

And so today,
I feel that ache!!
That ache as I face
some small bumps;
as an island unto myself..
that ache at not being
KNOWN..and HEARD..and LOVED
for me..
that ACHE that the one
who said they would do that
did not...

Its an ache that will not stay,
like the bumps I am facing
it will pass...
but its an ache that reminds me
how hurt I still am.
What a long way up the mountain
the path to healing is..
How far I have climbed
and yet how far from the top I still am.

And then I wonder,
maybe this is as high as I can go?
Maybe this is where I pitch my tent
and begin to accept
and grow
and grasp
that where I am
is where I am meant to be.
..for now..
And yes, it will ache in moments.
But, the alternative has hurt more.
and yes, at times I feel the despair
of facing life alone...
but, I can change that if I choose..
when and if I am ever ready.

And so I accept this moment for just that.
a moment.
I will focus on my FAITH..
Faith in my creator,
Faith in my future
and Faith in the HOPE
that the present resides within.

importance of learning who you are...

Time alone after a divorce is VITAL!
I can say this NOT because I am so smart
and insightful..
but because I did it all wrong the first go round!

The time alone..takes time...!
meaning;
When the divorce first happens
you are alone...
but you do not want to be there!
You do not want to be alone,
and the loneliness is consuming!
Then you reach a place
when you are still alone
but long for company!
You are not just lonely,
you are needy!
You wish you had someone
to love you and hold you..
you wish that you were not doing
all the things you are doing
alone...
so your alone time
is not peaceful..
it is sad and resentful...
then you reach a place
when you are alone..
and you are glad you are alone!
When you are alone,
you may miss people..
or even a loved one..
you may feel lonely at times,
BUT you enjoy the time you have!
you look for things to do ALONE..
you think..
you learn..
you grow...
THIS is when you heal!
When you have been alone long enough
to stop wishing you were not alone..
and instead accept and embrace the reality of what being alone is!
However, you cannot get here without going through
all the other steps!
and if you jump ship during one of the stages..
and find someone to fill the void
during the lonely times,
you will never reach the place of healing,
that allows you to
with an open heart
mind and soul
accept that maybe you are ready
to allow someone back in...
and maybe you are not!
But, either way
you will never again
want to NOT have time alone...
its a wonderful thing!

Its not about a solution its about acceptance...

I think many times
when someone finds them selves
single-again
and it was NOT what they had planned for their lives..
When is it??
They want a solution!
a fix!
They want it to get better...
and deep down they want something to change!

I went looking for that change..
I was not passive..
I was sure and confident
that there was a SOLUTION...
This could not be the destination of my life!!
and as I have shared..
my solution was my down fall!

And so I now have come to understand...
the vital step
in moving forward,
is not looking for a change,
or waiting for the next stage in your life.
Instead its accepting,
the now!
The new place you are..
and the place you may always be!!
A single person! a single-again person!

facing all the things
that in the past you did as a 'couple'..
now movies, dinners, church, reunions,
you are doing those things alone!
And the thing is..
thats OK!
Not only is it OK...
its fun!
Its a time to rediscover who you are,
a time to heal and grow!
its also a time to hurt and mourn...
and then little by little to let go
of what was..
and embrace what is!
It does not happen overnight...
Nor, do I believe it will happen on its own..
BUT it will happen!!
And the time you put into YOU..
will pay off..
when YOU are healthy and WHOLE..
and YOU get to choose to move on alone..
or move on open to the idea of another!
BUT either way YOU choose!
and either way YOU are OK!

Freedom of choice...

There is so much I am learning
about who I am!
Things I might have learnt sooner
if I was not so busy trying to please..
someone I loved!

I have learnt that I am strong willed!
I have also learnt that its OK!!
I have learnt that I need to be connected to my parents...
and that's OK too!!
I gave that up once....for love...allowed limits..
where limits did not belong!
I now realise how vital
a simple connection
is to my very state of being!

I have learnt that I need freedom of choice.
Even small choices, sometimes....
I need my choices to count!
I need freedom in how I spend my money..
again..not in big ways...
bills dictate a lot:)
but $10 at a flea market goes a long way...
and never again will I give over all my 'will'...
in this area!

I have learnt that I need time alone...
not always...
but sometimes!
I need to think, feel, cry or relax
without pressure to please or cater too
anyone but me....

I need time with my kids!
I need family time!
I need outings..
and movie nights..
and game night!
I need to be a mom...
first and foremost in this season of my life..


I have learnt that I need girlfriend time!
I need martinis and coffee..
(altho not always at the same time LOL.)
BUT I need that!
It is not a luxury...
it is part of my make up
and when I gave up my friends..
to make another happy!
I lost a part of me....


I have learnt that I need some measure of chaos!
Some thrive in order...
with schedules...
and day planners...
I need those things because they are a necessary evil..
but I thrive on the last minute trip!
The dinner decided on 5 minutes ago...
the trip to the beach just because its nice out...
I need to be spontaneous...
it brings me joy...
I need junk drawers in each room....
the organized chaos that makes my home function..
is also part of my makeup!
And I no longer believe that it is anything other
then what it should be!!


I have also learnt that I need animals!
I don't just like them and enjoy them..
they speak to my soul!
they are part of what brings me joy!
Again, I saw this before as an area of me
that i could ignore,
let go...for the sake of another!
NOW I see the fact that
'the other' will need to be more of me
in this area...
or I would rather be alone...

I thrive on my passions..
my Lord is my passion..
my children are my passion...
my family is my passion...
my friends are my passion...
and animals are my passion...
so, if a man once again becomes my passion...
He will have to, this time, share or accept my passions..
as I no longer believe that i should let go of me..
to meet another only on their terms!

so...all this soul searching and new found freedom

has led me to add some new family members...
our home , as is,
consists of
1 mom,
3 kids
1 Yorkie
1 tortoise
1 rabbit
4 hermit crabs
4 fish..

Pictured above,
our newest additions..
THE TWINS!!

now...please help us name them!
They are boys...
and we are on hunt for names as cute as them!