It takes a lesson to learn a lesson..

I am starting to observe people around me..
after living fairly happily
in a bubble for most of my life;
its like a whole NEW realization
to see people and watch their choices,
and to begin to understand the reasons behind them.

It seems that some people will avoid
being alone at all costs.

I get this..
I did this..
I lived at home until my wedding at 18...
Then whenever hubby was away,
I pined and missed him.
I did not sleep..
I felt incomplete..
half a person.
Hubby left,
I moved back 'home' with my kids..
until my wedding at 33.
When I fled my 'hell'
at the age of 34,
I had NEVER been alone.
I had NEVER lived alone.
and I had NEVER imagined being OK with it!

the thing is,
if I had not learned such a hard lesson
by rebounding so fast,
if I had not set a goal of a year before dating,
if I had not been so wounded that I knew I needed to heal...
I would have looked for company!
I was lonely!
It was hard to always be alone..

But at some point I passed that place,
its like a hunger pain..
if you wait through it
you will forget you were hungry!

Once you have waited past that point,
loneliness becomes different.
your being alone is a state you do not fear.
So even if you wish for company,
your very being does not hinge on it.

BUT, I believe,that you have to be alone,
to reach a place where loneliness does not dictate your direction.

This is a lesson I have learned the hard way!
This is a lesson I had to stay the course to learn...

Sure, sometimes I feel alone.
Sure, sometimes I desire and look forward to true companionship...

BUT, lonely is no longer my state of being,
and being alone is a place I do not mind to be....

BUT, I never would have known that if I had not been lonely
long enough to be OK alone!

Not lonely..lacking purpose

I realised something important..
I have been thinking about why
sometimes I love being alone
and sometimes I feel sad alone.

I thought that meant I was lonely,
and Yet my heart ache is so fresh
that the desire to start new
is non-existant!

I have a very supportive family
3 wonderful children
and am blessed with the most amazing friends..
so, lonely did not seem to fit!

I know what it is!
When I am productive I have purpose!
I know my place
my role
where I fit in the world.
After a day at work,
I get my kids,
I manage my home
and prepare for the next day...
when alone time comes it is welcomed!
It has a purpose;
to refresh
relax.....regain strength to do it all over again!

When I am heading somewhere,
meeting someone..
planning something...
I have a plan!
My footing is sure!

The sadness?
its more a feeling of being lost!
Not lonely,
but we are not taught the difference.
We assume we are lonely and look to fill the void..
with someone..
when instead we feel lost
because we are unsure
in the moment
of our purpose
and should look to fill the void
with something instead..
even understanding!

Expecting the feeling..
knowing that an aimless sunday
when the kids are at their dads,
friends are busy,
work is done...
will bring a loss of direction;

I will not be caught of gaurd!
I can learn to over come it,
and I believe I will..
but in the meantime I can beat it..
plan around it..
or just meet it head on!
But I will know which feeling has overcome me
and not mistake it for another..

the first step for me
in not repeating mistakes
of the past!