priorities..? where to start...

Some times I wonder if I
will ever ACTUALLY
catch up
on all that needs doing.

I have a week off for spring break,
if I spent the week doing
all the things I SHOULD;
dentists, Dr's,and misc appointments;
I would have no time for anything else.

If I spend the week
NOT doing those things,
I have to take off work
or put those things off
until the summer!
I also have a yard full of JUNK,
stuff that has accumulated
or been moved and needs a home,
a trailer full of things to sort,sell
or toss,
kids rooms that have been 'let go'
to some degree
for months
(you know, the closets and under the beds.!)
I am moving my middle child into my room,
(I get the couch)
which involves sorting EVERYTHING
theirs and mine...
I have animals that need baths
and cages to clean,
a car thats a disaster area,
a porch to sweep and tidy,
weeds and weeds and more weeds...
A utility room that has become a 'catch all'
therefore its time for a clean,
not to mention its a new addition
and needs a coat of paint!
I have laundry to do..
winter clothes to put away,
summer clothes to sort out..
I will admit my artificial Christmas tree
is STILL on my porch..
still assembled..
I am sure with all types of things
nesting in the branches!!

So where do you start??
Its a problem working moms
married or single have..
but being single means
I also have the oil to change,
the yard to mow (or get mowed)
the shed to clear out,
the green house to de-weed..
ect, ect, ect...

so when do you throw up your arms in defeat?
how do you pick the priority?
as in truth
they are ALL priorities..
and this is the week off!:)
its almost funny...
because in addition to all that
my FIRST priority
is my kiddos!
Time with them
a week for them off school,
and time that we don't normally have!

OH, and have I mentioned
exercise?
and eating right?
and a few minutes here and there for me?

so, now that I know
how much there is to do..
and I really would rather ignore it all..
I will take it in pieces and steps..
and maybe the priority is NOT doing it all..
but instead doing all I can,
and learning to live with
or without the rest!

Because ultimately
getting your to do list done,
yet living in stress and dysfunction
may not make the to do list so worth doing...

I past the test..

I facilitate a class called divorce care
at the church I attend.
This is a video led class,
I am just there to keep the conversation going,
and keep it kind!:)
last night the topic was new relationships..
there was a quiz of sorts!
It basically touched on the key points
to know when you are ready to move on.
There were many aspects but a few really stood out,

-dwelling more in the present then the past.
this struck me.
JUST yesterday an hour before the class,
my son was in a play.
My daughters and I went..
and his dad met us there.
We watched the play..
said our hi's and good byes..
went our happy ways,
as as I read this last night
on the paper in front of me,
I was able to reflect and realise
that I had felt NOTHING
just moments earlier!
Its just what it is now...
moments together do not lead me to wonder
what it should be instead.
Not sure when it happened,
just know that it did.

-taken ownership of the past
This only happened for me a few months ago.
This was the moment I realised that I had
a part in the heart ache between us.
owning it, understanding it and asking forgiveness
from the man who broke my heart...
truly released me!
This step was huge.

then the last one that REALLY spoke to me was;
-not looking for someone to rescue you.
I was here!!
I thought that this was the answer...
I went down that road.
BUT, no more!
Now I don't want to be rescued!
I don't want to be saved!
I just want to be loved...
and accepted!
No hero..
no white knight..
just a man with all his flaws,
accepting me with all mine.

and that was the thought that I ended on...

I am not sure when I might meet someone..
or if I ever will.
But, I am not looking for companionship,
I am quite comfortable alone.
I am not looking for a provider,
I am sinking and swimming on my own terms.
I am not looking for a father for my kids,
they have one.
I am not looking for anything.....

I am waiting for the one
who just wants to be.
And is OK that I just want to be too.
And if by chance we are better together,
then we are apart..
then maybe we are meant to see where that goes.

quite simple...:)

so I wonder...

when you start to think..
you may no longer hate with a passion..
the idea of meeting someone..

where do you start?

do you wait and see what happens in life?
do you ask your friends who they know?
do you update your facebook status
to not just single BUT available?
ok,.probably not!!:)

But, I think about all this..
because as I come closer
to being more 'available'
and less closed off...
I know that life is just not that simple!

I don't go to bars,
or even out to non-bars that much!
I don't attend singles events..
I don't meet people in my daily life..
-I meet 2 year olds..:)-
and in truth I am SO not in a rush!

I just wonder..
what does this look like now?
The disastrous attempt I made after my first divorce
did not count..
it was truly disastrous!
but, I have NEVER really dated!
REALLY!
I met hubby one at 17..
I met hubby 2 four months after divorce from hubby 1,
after a series (OK 4!LOL) of 'one time' dates..
no-one seemed right!
so, just this process seems daunting!

I think I fear the process more then the result!
and I just wonder..
just turn it over here and there in my mind..

then I wonder..
what does that even look like as a single mom of three kids??
I don't plan on my kids knowing men I date,
and I am limited in free time..
is that even fair??
I wonder..

that's all I am doing right now..
I set a goal NO DATES for a year..
that has become 15 months..
and I am sure will stretch longer!

I think its good that now when I wonder..
it does not make me sick to my stomach..
or give me the chills...
or make me want to take a shower!
(YES for a while it seemed like a REALLY bad idea..)

so, the fact that I wonder,
and still feel OK..
and open..
and can actually discuss it out loud,
that's a good step, right?

so now we see...
what does this look like?
what will it look like?
what should it look like?
I am FINALLY a LITTLE excited to find out!

Breathe out..breathe in..move on...

I was so touched by all the great advice
and encouragement yesterday!
I began to realize that
I might just be over thinking this a bit!:)
Yes, I believe part of growing up
is learning and learning again!
I also believe as our children grow,
and our circumstances change,
we have to grow and change with them!

BUT, I see how much I carry on my shoulders!
It amazes me how often women (and maybe men?)
hold ourselves responsible for how it all turns out.

I guess I have have come to understand,
that maybe most of the problem
lies in me..
not them!
Not owning more guilt here:)..
but really...
they are being kids,
and need boundaries!
I don't like the way I react,
or my loss of solution.
so I allow myself to feel overwhelmed.

Like each hurdle we face,
it starts with us!
If my children never change..
and are always good kids with flaws!
(God forbid!!! LOL!!)
then what about me?
do I stay the same!
or do I own my actions and reactions..
and make the change
IN SPITE of the reception!

My son and I wear matching rings..
they say:
be the change you want to see in the world
`Ghandi
time to own that!

If I want less ugly tones..
then I need to start with me!
If I want less dragging of heels..
yup..mom comes first!
if I want my children to feel heard..
I will create opportunity's to hear them!
and in return they will learn to hear me!
not just my words..but my heart!

and above all,
I will accept that life is to be lived,
children are to be loved!
and beyond that we choose the moments,
we choose the way we live them..
and we choose the legacy we leave behind!
Life is ours!
we give it away when we worry
about what we cannot control!

parenting pains....! cry for help?..please!

I am rethinking my parenting style
now that I am a single,working mom!
I have received feedback from bloggers in the past,
that has caused me to do some thinking.
and now as I look at what is not working..
I need to find what will!

I was raised in a strict but loving home.
There was parental authority!
My siblings and I were polite and well behaved.'
I believe in authority in the home.
and the children's father,
while no longer in the home..
seems to still garner their 'fear of consequence'
when he reaches a place of feeling enough is enough!
I, however, sometimes feel like I am talking underwater..
and talking..and talking..and talking...!

When we were in the home together
I was the boundary setter!
But, I don't think I have ever really been the disciplinarian.
I am too inconsistent and soft!
But, I did enforce the boundaries and require respectful behavior..
and then there was always "Its time to talk to dad."
But, I tend to react and then realize that grounding them
until next Christmas might be extreme..
or I know that what is needed is missing out on an event;
but I don't have the heart!
Or, I see the heart behind what they did and understand and therefore
struggle with a consequence as I know they were hurting too..!
In many ways,
their dad and I balanced each other,
he was laid back but they knew when he reached that point,
that he would say what he meant.
I was more tolerant of some things, he of others.
But, together not as much slipped through the cracks.

so, now what??
I know some believe in ultimate authority
and some believe that if you give your children their own choices,
they will ultimately make the right decisions!

I wonder if as a mom..
who is smaller in frame then my son and soon my daughter..
inconsistent... really more reactionary then angry...more soft then strong..
and the only adult presence in the home...
if maybe,
ultimate authority is not the way this whole thing should go..
right now!

Yes, I believe I should be the final say!
and yes, I believe I should define boundaries and enforce consequences..
but what about the way we live?
if they are fighting.
do I punish or let them figure it out?
if their rooms are not clean...
do I punish or leave it, letting them live with the result?
how much leeway do you give them?
what does 'lenient' parenting look like?
how does one learn a 'self governing' style of parenting?
where does one begin?

I take parenting seriously, I do!
BUT, its a lot when you are alone to do it..
when they are with their dad, he is on his own with this as well!
this is what our life now is..

I have many friends with children,
but few who truly are where I am.
As most of my friends are remnants
from a life I once led..
I can admire what they do..
but I can know that our lives are too different
for it to work for me..
right now!

I need to pick my battles!
I need some guidance however...
I feel I spend so much time
dealing with the fighting, the cleaning of the rooms, the chores...
and I wonder how else could I do this?
what are my options?
because this is just not working out so well!

I have good kids..
they are top students, well behaved in school, kind to their friends..
and sometimes nice to each other!:)
They are 'reasonably' responsible, caring for their pets
and helping around the house!
I am often complimented on their behavior....
BUT, sometimes they do not listen!
sometimes they fight.
sometimes they do not clean their rooms,
or pick up after themselves,
sometimes they chase each other in public,
sometimes they use really ugly tones with each other...
and while this may not seem THAT bad..
knowing how to deal with it,
when they are not seeing me as the ULTIMATE end all be all
has me stumped!!

is it time to let them have the reigns a little?
and what does that look like?
I have 3 kids..12,10 and 8.
I have always given my all as a mom!
but my dynamics have changed!
What worked when I was a stay at home mom,
with home schooled children,
and my whole focus could be on them..
does not work now!
Now they spend 8 hours a day in school,
and learn things that require 'un'learning.
I work 40 hours a week,
and come home tired.
They spend every other weekend and a night a week with their dad,
this is his time to be with them
not my time to pour into them...
so time is limited!
Dynamics have changed!!
My dad has a saying he uses;
when the paradigm shifts everything returns to zero!

Well, my paradigm has shifted in a really big way,
I am at zero..
eager to hear and learn..
and knowing that being willing to change
and accept that things could be done better,
is what sets us apart as human beings!
I owe my children the reflection
and I thank you for your thoughts!

conquering and being conquered

I find it amazing that as a single mom..
working to make ends meet,
keep the house together,
have time with the kids..
that in just one short day I can go from hero to villain,
then back again....
Today..in a 12 hour time frame...

I watched my daughter cheer lead her first game!
(she is 8 and she has found her calling...)
I got home and yelled at the kids about their rooms..
I hate to yell! I do..
but ugh! I ask and ask and ask..
and well..yell!
I then take the kids to volunteer at a local nature center for an hour,
pulling weeds!
In return we all get free tickets to Disney!
(hero mom!;)!)
We come home..
we wash the dog...
this takes three of us and TWO leashes..
and we still don't get it done right!
BUT, there was great team work involved!
We WON the battle with the alpha dog!.. a step..
and then I begin the arduous process of stripping, cleaning and resealing all the grout
in the kitchen and bathroom floors...
OK..this made me a hero to me!! first Do it yourself job ever!!LOL!
then...take the kids,
to get Chinese..
on the way we have a conversation
son and 2 daughters..
about a woman's time of the month as my 10 year old brings it up..
gets quite complicated I must say...
and my 8 year old pipes up about what she heard 'sex' was..
and my 12 year old tells me he is HORRIFIED that I will be
having the 'talk' with her on any level..
and we have a wonderful chat as a family..
about not the normal 'on your way to Chinese stuff' for most people,
but pretty normal 'on your way to Chinese stuff' for us!:)..
we get home..
I put another layer of sealant on the floor..
dish up the Chinese..
and watch a GREAT movie with the kids!
(second hand lions!)
We laugh and cry..
I then send them to bed..
been a good, full day..
and as I am putting ANOTHER layer of sealant on ALL this grout..
youngest comes out for water WAY past going to bed..
and I end the day on a 'VILLAIN' note!

and then wonder..
how does one person
do so many different things,
feel so many different ways,
and experience so many different emotions all in ONE day??
No wonder I am ready for bed..
welcome to mommy hood, huh?

hard lesson...BITE your tongue!!

I have lived by the rule..
in my home
since divorce..
that words should be chosen carefully,
especially about my ex!
I have chosen not to put him down to the kids...
and even go as far as to tell them stories
about his childhood or our dating days...
I want them to know the man I knew...
in spite of my broken heart!
In addition, I have tried to be careful to watch my words
about the woman in his life!
The one he loves now..
but loved too soon..
before he was free to love her...
while he should have been loving me!
Sometimes, I slip!
In truth I am 'justified!' based on the baggage!
BUT in reality
it is my children who pay the price!
I did not realize how 'loose' with my tongue I had been..
until in front of my ex husbands live in love-
my children shared things I had said..
that were not flattering nor very nice!
While I contemplated crawling in a hole
or pinching my kids ( LOL)...
I learnt a BIG lesson!
No matter how much time passes...
no matter how much hurt there remains...
NO matter how wrong the injustice..
words are powerful
and they will come back to haunt you..
if you do not take the time to think
before speaking!
ESPECIALLY in front of your children!
Lesson lived, noted and learnt! !!!!!

learning to ask

Ok..so now I am here!
I live this life
and I am doing my best to do it well!
Sometimes I pass and sometimes I fail!
BUT, always I try!
However, when things are too hard...
or seem unattainable
or beyond reach..
what then??
I feel stretched already!
How do I do more or add more if I need more??

I am learning to ASK!!!!
I am finally reaching a place
of being able to say...
hey, if you know of anyone who has this
I need this!
If you know of anyone who can do this
I need this!
Its freeing in and of itself!
so many times I wonder or worry or stress...
and I am coming to understand
that there are those
who want to help...
who have skills
or clothes
or friendship to give..
and are just waiting for someone to ask!!
learning to ask...
another step closer...
to being completely free!

sometimes you climb the wall....

and sometimes you are buried underneath it....
One of my children is sick....
she is my youngest
and she has the flu.
She is not the first to be sick,
my oldest had the bug,
and now she has it!
But it has hit her hardest!

Like most single moms...
I work because I must..
I work to pay the bills..
I work to support my family...
and time off is not a viable option.
I also teach,
which means so much more depends on me being there,
then just my co-workers...
my little charges need me too.
Needless to say,
time off or not is not a light choice..
in addition there is that small matter of paying the bills..!
BUT my child is sick!!

I have discovered the heartbreak
of needing to be in two places...
of knowing that whichever you do
the other will suffer...
the heart break of a choice
in which there is no winner...

I am luckier then most..
my oldest was able to come with me to work..
to a separate place from where I was..
but near by..
even that caused discourse in my soul,
as I would have rather been with her completely!
BUT, was an option I was grateful for..
my youngest will be with family.
A better option then anything else..
she will be able to rest and in loving arms,
so why does my heart break??
because I cannot be the one to comfort her..
I cannot be the one to cool her forehead,
or check her temp or play nurse...
Instead I must be the one who shows her
that strength as a mother
is when you do not what you want,
but what you must,
for the sake of those you love so much!!!
and yet, this love, this need to do what I must..
right at this moment
is breaking my heart!

where did I go wrong this week?

As a single mom...
my children are reflected in my blog
alot..
my journey and story is not complete
without the perils, joys and hurdles
of walking this path alone...
Some weeks I feel I have it..
and some weeks I know I don't!
This was a week in which,
while a lot went wrong..
(broken toilet, broken phone, kittens stuck in a tree and a forgotten science project)
I did not react towards my children..
I reacted to the stress!
And yet,
I still saw tension in my children,
more fighting between them...
and I wondered why?
The only thing that makes sense
is that,
while I may not have reacted towards them
or been angry at them...
the stress caused an interruption in our life
and a break in our pattern!
Family game night did not happen
due to plumbing issues..
Family movie night did not happen
due to boy scout event..
and the list goes on!
It made me realize how important routine is..
sometimes I am at the end of my rope..
tooo tired to play yahtzee when a crisis has zapped my energy..
and sometimes thats OK!
BUT often, the few minutes taken to keep some semblance of routine
is worth the few minutes later to bed...
or the dishes that wait until morning!
I learnt this lesson after the fact..
so now have to implement it..
knowing life WILL throw curve balls
but understanding that while children
ARE resilient..
in many ways they ARE just NOT that flexible!!!
and its up to me to ALLOW them the freedom NOT to bend when possible!

How could I NOT be?

Tired?
how could I NOT be tired??
really, I am a single mom with 3 kids..
all preteens..
I work full time and go to school,
kids are in theater , boy scouts and girl scouts,
we have a home to clean (Thank the Good Lord)
and 2 dogs, 3 cats, 1 rabbit and 3 reptiles.
of course, I am tired!

Happy?
how could I NOT be happy?
I am a mom of 3 wonderful kids...
all growing up into amazing people!
I have a great job! I love where I work..
I love who I work with.
I get to go to school which will benefit my family and I.
My kids are able to participate in theater on a wonderful scholarship..
My older 2 love scouts!!
We have a little home that we love!
and we are blessed with so many animals
that add joy to our family!
of course, I am happy!

new direction....

when I started this blog
it served as my journal!
As I have written I have come to see
that it actually reflects my journey...
And now I am at a place in my journey
in which my focus has changed!

I had to heal from the hurt..
and say goodbye to the past!
I feel that I have done that!
I understand that our past lives in us always...
but we can choose to dwell in it..
or just allow it to dwell in us!

And when the dust settles..
I am now focused on the primary relationships in my life..
my children..
and my primary role ; mom!
I would like to take my blog in a new direction
and begin to focus on how this part of the journey
can be positive and whole!
The negative and sadness behind me..
the future holds only hope!!

I hope that as I move forward in this journal
and in this journey..
I can reflect the lessons learn t
while still learning from others..
I hope that I can impart hope
from steps taken..
and receive encouragement from those who have walked this road before..

This next step in my life..journal ..and journey
will be focused on why and how
my relationship with my ex works,
why and how
being a single mom can be the hardest
BUT also the most rewarding role ever..
and why and how
the lessons learnt were worth the tears...
and the future gained worth the pain...


heres to walking forward with hope
excitement
and a positive new direction!!!!

a real friday night..the cure for the humdrums??

I am still getting the hang of this
single-again mom thing!:)
and this working, single mom thing..
and this kids are preteens now thing..
and..
well..you get the picture!!

Sometimes all is smooth
and sometimes not so much..
but tonight I realized that
one aspect
that I have let go in the routine
is the basic 'Friday night veg out'!

Back in my old life..
when I was home all day with the kids
the weekend were my time to relax
with family!
I did this with no guilt!
and of course, while a stay at home moms life is busy
the house work tends to be part of the gig..
and often is done during the week!
now logistically it has to wait until the weekend..
so it seems I get a head start
and Friday nights are more of the same!
Well..no more!
Its Friday night!
I plan on putting the kids to bed on time:)
putting my feet up..
reading a good book...
or even watching something meaningless on TV!
I ordered us a pizza and will skip the stair stepper!!:)

I wonder if just letting myself
let it all go
will be the first step
in finding my footing again!
Because I was pretty steady on my feet,
but have defiantly hit some rocky ground!

So, we will start here...
Thank goodness its Friday, right??

some days you climb the wall..some days you hit it!

Seems this week I have hit it!
Just too tired to think!
and yet this is not a normal state of being for me..
I wonder why I am so burnt out??

I think that the summer coming to an end plays a part!
This is the second summer I have worked with my kids out of school.
This one was great however,
in that my kids got blessed by the hard work!
We had vacations and camps...
treats and fun...
the hard work so worth it!
BUT, as its drawing to an end..
I think the anticipation of evenings at home...
is starting to mount!

I look forward to the normal teaching schedule..
and the routine of daily life!
Maybe, I am just tired..it happens!:)
But, for whatever reason..
today..this week..
is a week in which cleaning the kitchen is an accomplishment
getting laundry done is cause for celebration
and the hot meals just icing on the cake!!:)

The great part...
each day is new...
each moment now history...
and relief is just around the corner!!