the next stage....

what is almost as good as an intact family
sharing in their childrens success and failure??

a divorced couple..sitting together..
with their daughter's teacher.
Not there for any other reason,
then they love their daughter!
They are there as a team.
They are there as a unit..
and they understand the roles are different,
the past is gone
and they own the future!

It is not easy to reach this place.
for some its not an option!
But, for my ex and I..
we have made some choices
some good and some bad..
but all impacting;
that have brought us to the place we are now.
I will be blogging this aspect more.

The past surfaces here and there..
but the relationship we have now,
is the one we shall carry into the future!

It is not always good..
in fact sometimes its bad!
BUT, OFTEN its better then expected!
We both play a role in this.
We both let things go!
and we have both had to change expectations.

We do not team parent!
That would involve complete agreement!
We do Co-parent! Along side one another..
a relay!
I parent in my home..
he parents in his...
and at times it overlaps!

We are making it work!
and we are reaping the rewards!
and we are both muddling through
what happens
when the one you loved
becomes the one who hurt you..
and the differences that were endearing
become stark..
and yet you STILL share children;
and for THEIR sake
need to try and do this right!

THIS is a journey in and of itself!
BUT, its a journey with only one destination!
the children!
Their security!
Their well being!
Their ability to be complete!

The Gift you can give when they can love you both with no walls!

being the change??

In my last post..
I mentioned the rings my son and I wear!
now for me they are sentimental..
he does not so much care if I wear one,
at least I don't think he cares!
BUT, here is why I got them!

My son has a very literal brain.
Due to who he is,
he sees in only blacks and whites.
Gray is not a possibility for him.
He is highly intelligent and dogmatic in his views.
Social skills are not his gifting,
and his brain and ability to skip grades and cap tests does not help this deficit!
In addition, his strong sense of right and wrong,
sets him apart from many of his middle school peers!
sometimes painfully so!
He will not tolerate cursing, or crude pictures.
He will not allow kids to tell 'dirty' jokes
around him or his sisters..!
Kids don't get him...
and he is isolated.
When I have talked with him about all this,
he feels that by not speaking up
he is compromising his convictions.
He understands and accepts the price he pays!
For this special child..there is no other way!

In many ways,
my son and I are cut from the same cloth.
BUT, I being a people-pleaser
have compromised to make others happy!
He does not have this same need-something I admire deeply!
I can take my stands and because I love people,
they accept me even when they think I am zany!
He takes his stands without sugar coating it
and really does not care if he is accepted or what they think!

He is different!
He is..just who he is!
He does not flow ...
his rhythm is not in step with the rhythm of others!
He is an 'out of sync' child!
and I love him so much for this!..
this quirk that makes him who he is!

I know the road that he is walking is hard..
I know that kids are cruel,
but I am SO proud of him!
HE does not want to save the world,
or join the peace corp like me..
he thinks I am kind of whacky in this area!:)
he is not a vegetarian
like his mom..
in fact he harbors a desire to live off the land
and hunt! *GASP*
He is not a pacifist
again, like me!..
he is republican in this area, ALL THE WAY..
his ideals are different!
BUT equally as strong!

I love his sense of who he is..
and his lack of need to be who others think he should!

and so..when I saw the ring,
I wanted him to be reminded that it starts with him!
It may only be him standing up to cursing,crudeness and offensive behavior!
but HE IS ENOUGH!
and I bought one too..
not for me,
I take my radical stands!
It is ingrained in me that it takes ONE..

I wear it,
so that when I glance down..
I think of the journey my child is on!
I remember the path before him..
and my heart is connected with his trial
in spite of having to let him walk this road alone.
as the inscription on our rings say:
be the change you wish to see in the world!

It starts with you!
no WAIT! its starts with me!!

Breathe out..breathe in..move on...

I was so touched by all the great advice
and encouragement yesterday!
I began to realize that
I might just be over thinking this a bit!:)
Yes, I believe part of growing up
is learning and learning again!
I also believe as our children grow,
and our circumstances change,
we have to grow and change with them!

BUT, I see how much I carry on my shoulders!
It amazes me how often women (and maybe men?)
hold ourselves responsible for how it all turns out.

I guess I have have come to understand,
that maybe most of the problem
lies in me..
not them!
Not owning more guilt here:)..
but really...
they are being kids,
and need boundaries!
I don't like the way I react,
or my loss of solution.
so I allow myself to feel overwhelmed.

Like each hurdle we face,
it starts with us!
If my children never change..
and are always good kids with flaws!
(God forbid!!! LOL!!)
then what about me?
do I stay the same!
or do I own my actions and reactions..
and make the change
IN SPITE of the reception!

My son and I wear matching rings..
they say:
be the change you want to see in the world
`Ghandi
time to own that!

If I want less ugly tones..
then I need to start with me!
If I want less dragging of heels..
yup..mom comes first!
if I want my children to feel heard..
I will create opportunity's to hear them!
and in return they will learn to hear me!
not just my words..but my heart!

and above all,
I will accept that life is to be lived,
children are to be loved!
and beyond that we choose the moments,
we choose the way we live them..
and we choose the legacy we leave behind!
Life is ours!
we give it away when we worry
about what we cannot control!

where did I go wrong this week?

As a single mom...
my children are reflected in my blog
alot..
my journey and story is not complete
without the perils, joys and hurdles
of walking this path alone...
Some weeks I feel I have it..
and some weeks I know I don't!
This was a week in which,
while a lot went wrong..
(broken toilet, broken phone, kittens stuck in a tree and a forgotten science project)
I did not react towards my children..
I reacted to the stress!
And yet,
I still saw tension in my children,
more fighting between them...
and I wondered why?
The only thing that makes sense
is that,
while I may not have reacted towards them
or been angry at them...
the stress caused an interruption in our life
and a break in our pattern!
Family game night did not happen
due to plumbing issues..
Family movie night did not happen
due to boy scout event..
and the list goes on!
It made me realize how important routine is..
sometimes I am at the end of my rope..
tooo tired to play yahtzee when a crisis has zapped my energy..
and sometimes thats OK!
BUT often, the few minutes taken to keep some semblance of routine
is worth the few minutes later to bed...
or the dishes that wait until morning!
I learnt this lesson after the fact..
so now have to implement it..
knowing life WILL throw curve balls
but understanding that while children
ARE resilient..
in many ways they ARE just NOT that flexible!!!
and its up to me to ALLOW them the freedom NOT to bend when possible!

ex husband or new partner

I speak to so many woman and men..
who have been down this road!
I know that the 'post' divorce parenting relationship
can be so very, very bad!
or it can be so very, very good!
BUT I have come to understand it is a choice!
Two people who choose to let the hurt become part of the past
and to speak to each other as partners in parenting
while no longer partners in love,
can change the course of their childrens' future!!

This aspect, while hard pays off dividends!!
When my ex and I split 3 years ago
I knew I did not want to make mountains out of molehills!
I wanted us to be together at school functions
and be able to talk about the kids!
We both talked about our desire to keep the 'companionship' we had shared.
We spoke of being the divorced couple who hugged hello..
....While it has not always been so happy....
and it has not been quite as ideal as hoped..at all times..
for what it is,
it is good!

It has been almost 3 years..
and some missteps along the way..
and yet, with both of us committed, to the kids
we have forged a new relationship!

We don't fight over dates and times..
We are free with the children,
even when they are on our 'time'..
we include each other in events..
and their dad is welcome in our home at any time..
He knows without much notice he can always see the kids!
I know the same...
I can stop by on his weekend..
or even meet them at a local event....
There is no 'possessiveness' between us.
On the other hand..
if its his weekend and there's a conflict,
I keep the kids for the night!
rather with me then a sitter!!
happy to do it!
and when I have school on weeknights,
he gladly watches the kids...
the kids benefit from this greatly!

We talk about discipline..
We are learning how to work together..
and sometimes all we can do is
agree to disagree!
But, we choose to support the others choice
or at the very least
not counteract their authority with the kids!!
We have become what we are; 'parents'
We share a common goal...
and that is to love and raise three children!
We may not always see eye to eye on how to do that..
but we don't feel the need to compete
or out maneuver each other!!
We even have learn t to chat without emotions..

and when all is said and done
we respect our past
and have chosen to honor that
by being available to each other if needed..
even if this means help with car trouble or babysitting..
it what we do!!
We have chosen to become allies in the life we lead!!!

This was not always the way it was...
Nor is it always the way we want it...
sometimes our very nature creates hurdles..
BUT this is always the way it should be!!

There are so many battles before us..
and so many areas we could improve..
I hope to see continuity in our homes one day..
I hope that we will agree on major issues,
like dating and curfews..
I hope that we, at some point, will have similar rules
so the kids will have stability..
There are areas that the kids have completely
different expectations or
standards in one home
then in the other...
There are times,
they probably feel like their homes are completely separate entities..
dads rules..
moms rules..
I know they would benefit from
'our rules'...
BUT its a process....

No matter where the differences may come..
or stresses might be
my reaction..
and our relationship in front of the children..
is always something I can be responsible for.

In so many ways..
I have been blessed!
My ex and I are good people..
we care about each other..
we have not made each other enemies..
I know that some people
face much harder circumstances!!
sometimes all you can do..
when the situation is anything BUT amicable,
is control what the kids see
and hold your tongue for their sake..

Parenting with your ex..no matter what the circumstances
becomes what you both choose it to be!!
and for the kids..
the choice to stand united..
and even if possible as 'friends'
creates a security in them..
that nothing else will...
at some point
it time to let go of the hurt,
or at least move past it..
and look and your children and know...
from here on out..
its all about them!!