ummm...so ouch!

my daughter comes home today..
she said they are making presents for their families in school!
"But, its so hard" she says...
"whats hard honey??"
"well..who to give it to? you or papa?"
SLAM!! OUCH!! ARROW TO THE HEART!!
ok..
so..
umm..
does he take out their baby stuff and cry over the memories?
has he been carrying a container filled with their art projects since birth?
did he ..ummm.. birth them??
OK...
but , he IS their dad!
and it sad for them!!
and they love us both the same..
and I get that!!

so,
I have decided against waving my hand in the air
shouting
"pick me!pick me!"..

instead I wrote the school principal..
I suggested that in the age of broken families
and blended homes..
maybe children should have the opportunity to create gifts
for both families
rather then choosing between them..

and somehow
I will find a way to help them with their choice,
maybe help them 'make ' a second similar gift..
or suggest that this year they give them to their dad..
as much as their hand made things matter..
their handle with care hearts matter more!
so my role is to swallow the lump
and help my children
deal with the cards they did not ask to be dealt!

sometimes you climb the wall....

and sometimes you are buried underneath it....
One of my children is sick....
she is my youngest
and she has the flu.
She is not the first to be sick,
my oldest had the bug,
and now she has it!
But it has hit her hardest!

Like most single moms...
I work because I must..
I work to pay the bills..
I work to support my family...
and time off is not a viable option.
I also teach,
which means so much more depends on me being there,
then just my co-workers...
my little charges need me too.
Needless to say,
time off or not is not a light choice..
in addition there is that small matter of paying the bills..!
BUT my child is sick!!

I have discovered the heartbreak
of needing to be in two places...
of knowing that whichever you do
the other will suffer...
the heart break of a choice
in which there is no winner...

I am luckier then most..
my oldest was able to come with me to work..
to a separate place from where I was..
but near by..
even that caused discourse in my soul,
as I would have rather been with her completely!
BUT, was an option I was grateful for..
my youngest will be with family.
A better option then anything else..
she will be able to rest and in loving arms,
so why does my heart break??
because I cannot be the one to comfort her..
I cannot be the one to cool her forehead,
or check her temp or play nurse...
Instead I must be the one who shows her
that strength as a mother
is when you do not what you want,
but what you must,
for the sake of those you love so much!!!
and yet, this love, this need to do what I must..
right at this moment
is breaking my heart!

where did I go wrong this week?

As a single mom...
my children are reflected in my blog
alot..
my journey and story is not complete
without the perils, joys and hurdles
of walking this path alone...
Some weeks I feel I have it..
and some weeks I know I don't!
This was a week in which,
while a lot went wrong..
(broken toilet, broken phone, kittens stuck in a tree and a forgotten science project)
I did not react towards my children..
I reacted to the stress!
And yet,
I still saw tension in my children,
more fighting between them...
and I wondered why?
The only thing that makes sense
is that,
while I may not have reacted towards them
or been angry at them...
the stress caused an interruption in our life
and a break in our pattern!
Family game night did not happen
due to plumbing issues..
Family movie night did not happen
due to boy scout event..
and the list goes on!
It made me realize how important routine is..
sometimes I am at the end of my rope..
tooo tired to play yahtzee when a crisis has zapped my energy..
and sometimes thats OK!
BUT often, the few minutes taken to keep some semblance of routine
is worth the few minutes later to bed...
or the dishes that wait until morning!
I learnt this lesson after the fact..
so now have to implement it..
knowing life WILL throw curve balls
but understanding that while children
ARE resilient..
in many ways they ARE just NOT that flexible!!!
and its up to me to ALLOW them the freedom NOT to bend when possible!