what about 'her'?

there are so many layers to a heartache..
and some heal fast..
some slow..
some never really heal at all...

one of the layers
is the layer that holds the one he loved instead.

This has been one of the hardest layers
to accept, let go and move on from.
What a process.

At first I believed that I could never be Ok.
I could not imagine letting go.
I needed to hold onto my hurt,
it was my security against the unfairness.

Then I watched...
I could not deny
the kindness to my children.
If they come first,
how do I discount that?
and so I let go.. a little!

And then I moved on too fast..
and felt like accepting her,
meant an acceptance on my ex's and 'her' part, of my 'him'.
and I let go.. a little more.

then I ran from 'him'..
home...
and one of the persons to buffer the fear,
and to intercede when protection
from a very bad man
was needed,
was my ex..and his love.
and I let go...some more.

and then as I came to know her,
I liked her.
Timing means we will never be friends.
She was to much apart of something
that once fragmented my core into tiny pieces,
but I know in my heart,
we might have been in another lifetime..
and so I let go...as much as possible.

And so now,
I understand,
it is not perfect.
She is his love..
I am his 'ex'..
we will always hold eachother at arms length
for no other reason
then the role that we each hold in life,
and the part we have played in eachothers 'story'.

BUT, acceptance and grace becomes enough.
She loves my children...
we do not have to agree on all aspects of what that means,
we do not have to share the same views and philosophies.
We did not choose the other..
but we are in each others lives
in a pretty solid, and unavoidable way.
and knowing that each of us
share time with the same three individuals,
and knowing that when they are with her,
they are cared for and safe..
makes the rest...
history!

relevant..
unforgettable..
life changing..

but history none the less!

hard lesson...BITE your tongue!!

I have lived by the rule..
in my home
since divorce..
that words should be chosen carefully,
especially about my ex!
I have chosen not to put him down to the kids...
and even go as far as to tell them stories
about his childhood or our dating days...
I want them to know the man I knew...
in spite of my broken heart!
In addition, I have tried to be careful to watch my words
about the woman in his life!
The one he loves now..
but loved too soon..
before he was free to love her...
while he should have been loving me!
Sometimes, I slip!
In truth I am 'justified!' based on the baggage!
BUT in reality
it is my children who pay the price!
I did not realize how 'loose' with my tongue I had been..
until in front of my ex husbands live in love-
my children shared things I had said..
that were not flattering nor very nice!
While I contemplated crawling in a hole
or pinching my kids ( LOL)...
I learnt a BIG lesson!
No matter how much time passes...
no matter how much hurt there remains...
NO matter how wrong the injustice..
words are powerful
and they will come back to haunt you..
if you do not take the time to think
before speaking!
ESPECIALLY in front of your children!
Lesson lived, noted and learnt! !!!!!