Friday, March 5, 2010

what about 'her'?

there are so many layers to a heartache..
and some heal fast..
some slow..
some never really heal at all...

one of the layers
is the layer that holds the one he loved instead.

This has been one of the hardest layers
to accept, let go and move on from.
What a process.

At first I believed that I could never be Ok.
I could not imagine letting go.
I needed to hold onto my hurt,
it was my security against the unfairness.

Then I watched...
I could not deny
the kindness to my children.
If they come first,
how do I discount that?
and so I let go.. a little!

And then I moved on too fast..
and felt like accepting her,
meant an acceptance on my ex's and 'her' part, of my 'him'.
and I let go.. a little more.

then I ran from 'him'..
and one of the persons to buffer the fear,
and to intercede when protection
from a very bad man
was needed,
was my ex..and his love.
and I let go...some more.

and then as I came to know her,
I liked her.
Timing means we will never be friends.
She was to much apart of something
that once fragmented my core into tiny pieces,
but I know in my heart,
we might have been in another lifetime..
and so I let much as possible.

And so now,
I understand,
it is not perfect.
She is his love..
I am his 'ex'..
we will always hold eachother at arms length
for no other reason
then the role that we each hold in life,
and the part we have played in eachothers 'story'.

BUT, acceptance and grace becomes enough.
She loves my children...
we do not have to agree on all aspects of what that means,
we do not have to share the same views and philosophies.
We did not choose the other..
but we are in each others lives
in a pretty solid, and unavoidable way.
and knowing that each of us
share time with the same three individuals,
and knowing that when they are with her,
they are cared for and safe..
makes the rest...

life changing..

but history none the less!


  1. Debbie, this hits home. I've never really met my ex's girlfriend and can only hope that she cares for my sons. Maybe one day...

  2. This... was beautiful. Just wow girl. Love it.

  3. What a smart, thoughtful woman you are. Love your writing, love how honest and raw your posts are. Love this catharsis you are working your way through. I don't know you, yet I feel I want to say, "I'm so proud of you!"

  4. Could a person ever come closer to being one with God then you are? This is one of the most incredible acts of grace, forgiveness and love I've ever witnessed.

    You are incredible, she is lucky, not because she ended up with him, but because she ended up with you :)


  5. Incredible and beautiful!! Said with such grace and understanding!!

  6. It's great that you do get along with the ex and his new love. I watched too many school age children being torn by what the one parent says about the other parent's partner that it's heart breaking! I've also had students tell me that their parent's partner doesn't like them and that's even more heart breaking! So what you have said is all a good thing all the way around!

  7. I did become friends with 'her', even though he chose her over me. And now? She's his 'ex', too, and I have a friend who understands better than anyone! We joke that we were like Reba and Barbara Jean (I was totally Reba! ;).

  8. I am a new follower from FF...Happy Friday and I will be coming back to comment because I have been in the same crappy boat..

  9. the pipster- I realise how lucky I much harder it could be.

    T- could say the same about the post i just read of yours..:)

    Anything fits a naked man- thank you. Thats exactly what this journey is..a catharsis..

    Breeze- I wish I was more spiritual, more wise. I know that I would have no grace aprt from my faith..but I also know that I have circumstances that allowed for this best case scenario..for this I am grateful.

    Slommer-that was kind - thank you!

    Mamma has spoken- I can imagine. Children are so often caught in the middle.

    Diane- I love that many times it feels like my life too!!:) OF course you are SO Reba!:)

  10. Happy Friday Follow

    Following From...

    Hope You'll Stop By

  11. Besides finding your blog on Follow Fridays.. I also love blogging and making new friends. Thanks for sharing your blog with me! I am your newest follower!

  12. Thanks so much for your comment and following. I'm following you back. You were #95 for me, I see you have the same number of followers. Well I will make 96. :)

    This wording is blessed. Not everyone allows themselves to forgive and more so... like that other person. I have a similar situation, but different. I am a second wife (though my husband's ex left him --twice-- before I ever met him) and the relationship I have with mother of his girls astounds many.

    'With God all things are possible.' Who knows, you COULD even become friends one day. But where you are now is in itself divine.

    Blessings Debbie! :)

  13. A day late, but now following you! Happy Follow Friday!

    If you get a chance make sure you check out all 17 of my giveaways!

  14. You are very talented. I am returning your Friday follow. I hope you will return to join our book club this month - I really think the book will be relevant to you.

  15. Debbie,

    You write with such depth and meaning! This is such a wonderful post. To be able to forgive and move on is something many could not do. Beautifully written.

    Your children are adorable!!!!!!!!

  16. You are the bigger person trying to accept ,understand, forgive and let go…the more you do the better you will feel and you be free!
    I found you on Friday follow:) I'm your 100th follower! come see me anytime you like.

  17. bizzimomofboys- Thank for stopping by and following..Can't wait head your way!!

    Social butterfly-looking forward to knowing you more too.

    Diana- wow!! I find that people I meet in 'blog land' give me SO much perspective! Not just on my journey, but on the journey of those whose roads have intersected mine! Thank you for sharing!

    Cher-oohh...I love give aways! Thanks!

    outnumberedmama- this is right up my alley! VERY excited about the book club!

    VKT-thank you so much!!

    B Sparkly- WOW! Thanks for being 100!:) will head over to see you soon...

  18. Thanks for your comment. I love my followers and the friends I make through blogging. stop by anytime.. hope you dont mind me popping in here from time to time! have a wonderful day!

  19. social butterfly-pop away! MY blog is my connection with others as I learn about life!:) I like new friends too!!:)

  20. I am a new follower from Follow Friday. Have a good day!!

  21. Thank you for following me via FF. I'm now following you too!

  22. wow, how beautiful! Good job.

    Found u thru #FF!

    Following you now!

    Follow me?