weary to my core...

so sometimes,
this single mom thing?
well, its really hard!

Its hard every day..
but some days, most days, I am content.
I understand where I am and why.
I understand that things could be worse.
I accept my circumstances
and feel joy in the moments;
not all, but most.

and then some days...
some days break me.
some days,
the emotions of my teens-to-be,
and the demands of the home,
and the bills that really should be paid,
and the list of things that I would do
IF I HAD TIME...
just pile on.
and all of a sudden,
I am tired to my bones,
sad to my core...
crying in the shower..
and ready to curl under a blanket,
and maybe never come out.

I know this will pass,
I have walked this path a while.
But, in this moment
the job of being a good mom,
of understanding the anger and hurt in my kids,
of wishing I had wise words
when sometimes I can hardly form a complete sentence;
I am so frustrated.
Of overseeing the school work,
and the tiffs with friends
and the crushes..
and doing all this while working fulltime,
and giving myself to my job as well..
and somehow in all of this keeping a clean-enough home,
and remembering when the bills are due....

and then at the end of the day
looking back on all that happened,
the good..
the moments I gathered myself and 'parented with purpose'.
the bad..
the moments I said things I wish I had not or tuned out instead of in.
the overwhelming....
the moments that I realise just how hard this is.
and reflecting on all this
without a partner to share the joys and pain.
without someone to take over when its all too much,
or to just give me a hug when my heart hurts.
I might not want a relationship right now,
but I miss another parent sometimes.

their other parent;
he is involved.
He would be a phone call away if needed,
he no longer shares my heart
he shares the kids and their hearts..
but no-one shares the moments.
and some days,
days like today
that makes me feel sad and alone in this aspect of the journey!!

tomorrow I will be reminded that life is good.
tomorrow I will remember that I can do this.
tomorrow I will understand that my life is full.
today, its all I can do to get through until tomorrow.