Thursday, March 18, 2010

weary to my core...

so sometimes,
this single mom thing?
well, its really hard!

Its hard every day..
but some days, most days, I am content.
I understand where I am and why.
I understand that things could be worse.
I accept my circumstances
and feel joy in the moments;
not all, but most.

and then some days...
some days break me.
some days,
the emotions of my teens-to-be,
and the demands of the home,
and the bills that really should be paid,
and the list of things that I would do
IF I HAD TIME...
just pile on.
and all of a sudden,
I am tired to my bones,
sad to my core...
crying in the shower..
and ready to curl under a blanket,
and maybe never come out.

I know this will pass,
I have walked this path a while.
But, in this moment
the job of being a good mom,
of understanding the anger and hurt in my kids,
of wishing I had wise words
when sometimes I can hardly form a complete sentence;
I am so frustrated.
Of overseeing the school work,
and the tiffs with friends
and the crushes..
and doing all this while working fulltime,
and giving myself to my job as well..
and somehow in all of this keeping a clean-enough home,
and remembering when the bills are due....

and then at the end of the day
looking back on all that happened,
the good..
the moments I gathered myself and 'parented with purpose'.
the bad..
the moments I said things I wish I had not or tuned out instead of in.
the overwhelming....
the moments that I realise just how hard this is.
and reflecting on all this
without a partner to share the joys and pain.
without someone to take over when its all too much,
or to just give me a hug when my heart hurts.
I might not want a relationship right now,
but I miss another parent sometimes.

their other parent;
he is involved.
He would be a phone call away if needed,
he no longer shares my heart
he shares the kids and their hearts..
but no-one shares the moments.
and some days,
days like today
that makes me feel sad and alone in this aspect of the journey!!

tomorrow I will be reminded that life is good.
tomorrow I will remember that I can do this.
tomorrow I will understand that my life is full.
today, its all I can do to get through until tomorrow.

16 comments:

  1. Oh, darlin'... I had one of those days. Not because of my girl but because of her father. Weary to the bone... but OK. You are, too. I know it... you know it. Thinking of you and sending you hugs, from one single mom to another! xoxo

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  2. Hi! I'm your new follower. I'm single but I don't have a child, but still I can feel you, there are really times that sometimes I want to share and hug someone because I'm hurt, yes I have my family and sisters but there's something really specially if you can share your feelings with someone like in my case a boyfriend or maybe a husband coz I'm already in a marrying age. A companion would really be nice. Reading your profile though tells me you are a strong person. Maybe what you feel now is just phase, you can do it, the things you always do! :D

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  3. Just sending you hugs today! You are strong and resilient!

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  4. I take it you have the kids most of the time? That's hard. I have mine half-time, and although I miss them when they aren't here, I'm grateful for some time on my own. {{hugs}}

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  5. Remind yourself today dear. You are good!

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  6. As a single dad, I feel your pain! It's tiring. The key for me is to be happy and grateful for the good, and let the other stuff slide. I don't let stuff get me down. Find joy in the little moments, whenever you can.

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  7. Hi Debbie,

    I gave you an award today on my blog. You won't see it anywhere else because I made it up....but you deserve it anyway.

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  8. Hi, Debbie. I am visiting and now following from Friday Follow. Can I just say that I admire you so very much even though we just met. There would be no way I could make it on my own. You are an inspirational single mom showing that you can get through today and tomorrow life is good. :0)

    Lynn

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  9. ((hugs))
    You are an awesome mom.

    Following your beautiful blog on FF.

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  10. You are brave, strong and resilient! You will remember that your life i rich and full!! You are fantastic and I admire you.
    I am hugging you right now
    SueAnn

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  11. Hi there! Just popping in from Friday Follow to be your newest follower. Hope you can come follow mine! Have a great weekend!

    Bridgette Groschen
    The Groschen Goblins
    http://www.groschengoblins.com/

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  12. We all have days like this, and they are tough! There have been many times where I wish I could take a vacation from everything and everyone. But then the next day/week happens and life is good again. Here's hopeing that your days are better now.

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  13. Following you from the Friday Follow!

    http://stacievaughansblog.blogspot.com/

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  14. Thank you all for the encouragment!!! It is better and yet I know that their will be days when it is worse...one day a time!! Glad to have you all to share this with !THANKYOU!

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  15. I so feel your pain. I love my babies, but some days... sigh
    I am slowly coming to grips that it is just me. No one is going to come in on a white shining horse to make my life a fairy tale. I have to love me and you know what? It happens in slow steps, but it is happening. I see that for you too. Bad days help us appreciate the good though. Strength is in letting yourself have those bad days. Reaching out to you for a high five on surviving this sucky thing called life. Rainbow wishes to you

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  16. Debbie--here's a *hug* from VA. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, because I get weary like this even with my husband around to share those moments. Hang in there...you are super and strong, and such a wonderful mother to those kids.

    Lori
    www.hintorae.wordpress.com

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