so this has been on my mind a long time..
its almost 16 months in the making...
I am a big believer in closure,
in facing the past,
confronting the future..
and moving on.
BUT there is one issue I have no closure on..
the man I ran from..
and would run from again..
I do not want to see him,
nor speak to him.
The closure I seek
is the freedom to FINALLY stand up the BULLY in my life..
and yet here I am!
I shall express it here.
It may never be seen
by the one whose eyes it is intended for..
I can purge my heart
of the anger and fear
left by this person,
who tried to break me in every way possible.
So to this man I say;
I am stronger then you ever expected.
I did not break. I bent, I swayed, I buckled..but I did not break.
I am wiser then you ever imagined.
I saw the truth..it took time..but I saw and acted.
I am not worthless, as you liked to say.
Intead I have found that my worth was always there..
I could just not see it through all the pain.
I am not hopeless as you liked to express,
instead I carry great hope in my heart!
I am not 'uneducated' as you loved to point out!
in fact the education I recieved in human behavior
in the year I spent with you has proved invaluable!
I have dignity!
And never again will a man spit at me,
yell at me,
curse at me,
and throw all my hurts and insecurities like weapons, in anger.
I am as disorganised as you said.
And its not the worst thing to be...'
lines in the carpet?
furniture you can't sit on?
pillows that must be fluffed?
ALL things I live happily without.
Cruelty has no place in my life..
NEVER again will I allow a man
to treat me like a beggar who should be grateful for the scraps.
NEVER again will a man try to own me.
I am not a possession or a trophy.
I am not a slave..
and no home is pretty enough to make a good prison.
Trips taken..gifts given..are worthless,
when the heart behind them is driven by hidden agendas
and motivated by selfish gains.
I regret every moment..
I will forgive because its right.
BUT, I cannot forget.
I was taken for a fool...
taken advantage of because I trusted,
and was willing to give my heart to a stranger.
I held my will,
and my spirit,
but I lost my trust.
I lost my belief that all people
are basically good..
you took that,
I learned that some people
are just bad.
I am ready to let go
of the resentment I feel.
I am ready to let go
of the fear,
of the threats,
of the anger,
but I intend to keep the dislike.
I can not like or respect
I wish I never met you,
I have learned who I am.
I have learned my limits...
I have learned how much I can take
before my spirit is damaged!
and only by the grace of God
did I not shatter.
You tried so hard..
but you failed.
I say goodbye
to the hurt,..
to the memories..
to the entrapment..!
I learned from you
to stand up, to not compromise,
and that I quite capable of doing this alone!
so maybe the closure is this moment..
the moment I accept that what was was SO wrong..
but what came from it has been so RIGHT.
and so, I am able to say
I wish it were not so..
and yet, maybe it was vital to where I am now.
So maybe when all is said and done
the peace I end with
comes from knowing..
if I had never met you
I would probably not be where I am now.
So, It was life..
part of the process,
part of the journey...
I recant the regret
and instead will look back
and own the changes that will be reflected in the future.
I recant the dislike..
that gives away to much power.
Instead I will choose to reflect
on the initial hope..
I will choose to remember what it seemed to be.
I can like that person,
or at least be indifferent.
as this letter emerges
and my heart speaks its thoughts
I just say GOODBYE.
It was what it was,
and what it was shall never be again!
and that is ENOUGH!
That is the GOOD in bye!