Thursday, March 11, 2010

cop out or closure?

so this has been on my mind a long time..
its almost 16 months in the making...
I am a big believer in closure,
in facing the past,
confronting the future..
and moving on.

BUT there is one issue I have no closure on..
the man I ran from..
and would run from again..
except faster!
I do not want to see him,
nor speak to him.
And yet;
The closure I seek
is the freedom to FINALLY stand up the BULLY in my life..
and yet here I am!
Still afraid!
Still unable..

and so,
I shall express it here.
It may never be seen
by the one whose eyes it is intended for..
but maybe,
I can purge my heart
of the anger and fear
left by this person,
who tried to break me in every way possible.

So to this man I say;
I am stronger then you ever expected.
I did not break. I bent, I swayed, I buckled..but I did not break.
I am wiser then you ever imagined.
I saw the took time..but I saw and acted.
I am not worthless, as you liked to say.
Intead I have found that my worth was always there..
I could just not see it through all the pain.
I am not hopeless as you liked to express,
instead I carry great hope in my heart!
I am not 'uneducated' as you loved to point out!
in fact the education I recieved in human behavior
in the year I spent with you has proved invaluable!

I have dignity!
And never again will a man spit at me,
yell at me,
curse at me,
and throw all my hurts and insecurities like weapons, in anger.

I am as disorganised as you said.
And its not the worst thing to be...'
lines in the carpet?
furniture you can't sit on?
pillows that must be fluffed?
ALL things I live happily without.

Cruelty has no place in my life..
NEVER again will I allow a man
to treat me like a beggar who should be grateful for the scraps.
NEVER again will a man try to own me.
I am not a possession or a trophy.
I am not a slave..
and no home is pretty enough to make a good prison.
Trips given..are worthless,
when the heart behind them is driven by hidden agendas
and motivated by selfish gains.

I regret every moment..
I will forgive because its right.
BUT, I cannot forget.
I was taken for a fool...
taken advantage of because I trusted,
and was willing to give my heart to a stranger.

I held my will,
and my spirit,
but I lost my trust.
I lost my belief that all people
are basically good..
you took that,
I learned that some people
are just bad.

I am ready to let go
of the resentment I feel.
I am ready to let go
of the fear,
of the threats,
of the anger,
but I intend to keep the dislike.
I can not like or respect
what was..

I wish I never met you,
But,through you
I have learned who I am.
I have learned my limits...
I have learned how much I can take
before my spirit is damaged!
and only by the grace of God
did I not shatter.
You tried so hard..
but you failed.
And now,
I say goodbye
to the hurt,..
to the memories..
to the entrapment..!

I learned from you
to stand up, to not compromise,
and that I quite capable of doing this alone!

so maybe the closure is this moment..
the moment I accept that what was was SO wrong..
but what came from it has been so RIGHT.
and so, I am able to say
I wish it were not so..
and yet, maybe it was vital to where I am now.

So maybe when all is said and done
the peace I end with
comes from knowing..
if I had never met you
I would probably not be where I am now.
So, It was life..
part of the process,
part of the journey...

I recant the regret
and instead will look back
and own the changes that will be reflected in the future.
I recant the dislike..
that gives away to much power.
Instead I will choose to reflect
on the initial hope..
I will choose to remember what it seemed to be.
I can like that person,
or at least be indifferent.
And so,
as this letter emerges
and my heart speaks its thoughts
I just say GOODBYE.
It was what it was,
and what it was shall never be again!
and that is ENOUGH!
That is the GOOD in bye!


  1. I’m so glad and relive for you that you got away from this toxic relationship. You should be so proud of yourself you got out and stronger then ever. You deserve the best you deserve love and admiration. Don’t settle on anything else.

  2. just let the world know the cowardly weenie he is :)

    You win...he lost...and boy did he lose big time when he lost you!

    He had the treasure of a lifetime...and he drove her away...silly weak, misguided, pathetic man.

    I almost feel sorry for him...but not quite...I feel only sorrow that it is unlikely he'll never be happy...ever...and he will always walk this earth confused as to the reason....

    Closure? I think you just found something much bigger...than that...something much more individual than some overused therapy term.

    I don't know what you want to name it but it's definitely all good!

  3. b SPARKLY- Thankyou! I am glad I left too..

    Breeze- I THINK we should call it FREEDOM!:)

  4. You are an amazing, strong woman. And? A poet. It comes from deep inside your soul. And I'm so glad you share it with the rest of us! XO

  5. I agree with Diane. You are a poet! Your wisdom, and strength resonate deep inside of you! I am so happy that you share with all of us! Yo uare such a strong woman! :) I am glad you got your freedom back!

  6. That was a very touching post and your strength and dignity came across loud and clear.
    You are very much your own person now.
    Thanks for sharing.

    Nuts in May

  7. I applaud your new found freedom. Relish it...treasure it! You have paid for it; big time. Glad you are out of that relationship and that you are now saying Goodbye!!
    It is all good now!!

  8. Debbie..I love your blog. Your strengh is just amazing!! I was an a marriage similar to your last for almost 8 years...and finally found the courage to leave him 14 years ago, although I moved all the way here to Florida, to finaly end the harrassement and get away from him. But I never wanted to forgive for him for all he did, I held on to the anger, but he still found me only this time, in my dreams (nightmares actually). It wasnt until a couple of years ago, I let go of the anger and did just as you, and forgave him in a letter (that I then destroyed) that I truely escaped the nightmare. I am so glad that you can do this now and not later on, so you can get closure!!! You go are an awesome woman and such an inspiration!!!!

  9. This is wonderful and well written. Yeah to freedom! Maybe you should download it and send it to him as a way of having the final say. Who knows if he'll read it but it might make it more final in your mind.

  10. Sometimes it is so hard to imagine how God can use ALL things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28)....BUT THEN we live through things...and since the past cannot be changed...He continues with His good and perfect work in our lives...wisdom is gained and His perfect peace becomes real again and again.

  11. I think that this is the healthiest way to face this paticular issue. I hope that getting it all out has helped witht the closure. If not, it is a great start.

  12. Did you ever see "Sleeping with the Enemy?" That movie immediately sprang to mind with your description of the guy. You are well rid of him, and sound stronger now.

  13. Wow! After reading this I'd say you are a very strong person. You know now your worth as a mom, mother , sister, and friend. I had a brother-in-law like the ex. And my sissy came out strong and independent. He is gone and living in his own misery. So will yours one day. Was blog surfing and found you at Steve's blog. You keep growing and loving on you kids, friends, and family.

  14. Diane- Very nice! Not sure if I agree but very nice!!!:)

    Brittany- thank you!!! I am glad to have my freedom back too!

    Maggie May- thank you! and thanks for stopping by!!:)

    Slommer-yes, saying good bye is so vital to the leaving it behind.

    Deanna- Thank you for sharing that! I cannot imagine 8 years! And you so get it! Yes..the dreams..the place where you can be found no matter how far you run...

    Mamma has spoken- good idea! He does like to 'cyber' stalk..chances are good he will see it!Which is maybe why it took so long to face it! It was a true letting go when I stopped fearing the 'what it'.

    Debra- what an encouraging and true comment! Thankyou!

    Danielle- I agree..if nothing its a start!

    Secret Agent woman- YOU have no IDEA how close you are in that assesment!

    Webster world- so glad you found me and stopped by! thankyou! and thank you for sharing you hope! Glad your sis is good!!