the one place we cannot escape...

our dreams.

One of the comments on my last post,
reminded me
of a huge aspect
of the journey of letting go.
our dreams..
the place we are,
the gage that tells us if we are as healthy as we say,
the measure of our secret fears and hopes.

For 16 months
I have had a reoccuring dream.
In this dream I was back
with the man I had run from.
and each time I realized that some how
I would have to run all over again.
Anyone who has ever left someone
who is controlling AND angry;
knows you cannot just announce your choice
and walk out...
its not that simple.
So leaving
was the single most hardest, scariest, life impacting
thing I have ever done.
Which says alot as my first divorce
was the most heart shattering event
that I ever imagined could happen.

To this day
I can tell you how many months AND days it has been since I left this man.
it is an anniversary of a VERY traumatic moment.
Not because it broke my heart,
but because it required facing a very dark person,
in an equally dark moment.

And so,
sometimes my dreams revisit this moment.
I would dream I was back..
I was trapped..
and some how I had to do it all over again.
And in each dream
the feeling of NOT being able to face it,
not having the strength to do that once more
was strong.
And yet the knowledge that I must find a way,
that I could not stay;
was even stronger.
And deep within the folds of the dream was the despair.
I would wake shaken
and the dream would stay with me all day.

Before I wrote the letter that I posted a few days ago,
one of the ways I knew I was ready?
I had a dream..
and I was not back with this person.
I did not need to run.
In fact I was somewhere that this person was too.
and seeing him shook me,
but he was more shaken.
In my dream he was with someone
and did not want her to see me.
I was not as his mercy!
I was free to walk away.
I woke up...
and nothing!
No thumpng heart,
no sweaty palms,
his hold on my mind loosened,
his control of my innermost fears released.
I knew it was time..

Dreams often tell us if the words we use with others,
are the words our heart believes.
Dreams sometimes reflect the shadows in our minds
that seem to dark to express.

It seems my heart and mind are finally on the same page.