I have been worried...
worried that my desire to be alone,
speaks to something deeper.
On the weekends I do not have my kids,
I attend their games and see my friends.
I go to church on Sunday
and hang out with my best friend and others,
but I make no effort apart from that!
I do not call anyone,
rarely do I set up plans to meet..
I look forward instead to my tofu Thai food,
and the movie I will rent,
and the one I will go see.
I enjoy my time alone!!!
This is new for me..
until a few months ago
I kept my weekends busy
with friends and activity!
Now, not only am I alone for most of it..
I am quiet in my alone ness!
I do not run here and there..
I just AM!
I have become more and more happy in my solitude,
and have wondered more and more, could I like it TOO much!?
And then a friend came over to drop something off..
She has walked in my shoes.
so I shared my 'wonder'.
She pointed out something so TRUE!
I was married for 14 years,
my family was my LIFE!
I home schooled my kids,
they were ALWAYS with me.
I loved my husband tightly
and was always available to him.
Alone time was NOT a word in my vocabulary!
Then I moved in with my parents,
as wonderful as they were..
it was not my home..
it was a shared space for all of us.
and when I remarried
it was into a prison.
A man who called me obsessively
if I was not with him.
A man who wanted me by his side constantly
if I was.
A man who gave me a daily schedule
to follow.
A man who followed me
if I was out of his sight.
Who recorded me
if he was out of mine.
I did not breathe un noticed.
I could not slip out to a park,
or take an unaccounted for walk.
I had no friends.
No hobbys.
No life.
I was NEVER alone completely.
And so now?
alone time feels sweet.
I can be selfish.
I can choose the movie
AND the snacks.
I can spend my time my way without guilt!
and so, where I am
seems just right for what I have been through.
And when and if the time comes
that someone else wants a say,
in the movie..
or those snacks:)..
I will be OK with that!
But, I think I will forever
be sure
that 'alone time' is a word
and action
that remains apart of my heart and life!
Hey! Following you back!! I'm so excited about your blog. I know you must have tough times, but you seem so strong!! Can't wait to get to know you!
ReplyDeleteDebbie, I totally identify with your post. My ex was very controlling and he never wanted me to be apart. I enjoy my alone time as well. I look forward to it.
ReplyDeleteI love alone time too! But mainly because I am surrounded everyday by people and it is nice to have time that is just for me. Glad that you are able to get some time for yourself so that you can refresh yourself for the week ahead.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking as someone who NEVER has alone time except to run errands or something like that I can say that if I were to find myself in a situation where I had two days to myself every other weekend--I would totally enjoy it and do just what you do. I actually envy your Thai and movie Friday nights!!
ReplyDeleteI think that I used to be TOO plugged in to everything. My work, my friends, my church, my family. None of those things are bad things.. but I had no time to just be me. To breath, and think, and reflect. I think it is so important to have time to yourself. To just be silent within yourself! :) I think its good that you have made time for YOU! :)
ReplyDeleteI too look forward to my alone time!! I used to live life at such a hectic pace. Now it is deliciously slower and I have time alone and I love it. Enjoy it!! It is precious time!
ReplyDeleteHugs
SueAnn
I went through this same realization shortly after my divorce. At first, I was so very, very lonely. But then, suddenly, one day, I wasn't! On top of that, I was really, really enjoying my "me" time! So glad you are too! Good for YOU, you deserve it!!
ReplyDeleteDebbie,
ReplyDeleteI won't be surprised if someday you are a published writer. You are one beautiful talented lady! Your words display such passion and depth. I can just feel the suffocation you must have felt in your second marriage.
I am so glad that you are in such a happy place. I have to say though, your first husband must have been as dumb as dirt. He blew it when he left you but what goes around comes around!
Your kindergarten teacher fan
Love the last comment....but I called it first:) lol
ReplyDeleteSo true...in fact it is now vital to my mentsl health to have that time alone! It sort of does sneak up on you though...
Breeze
Courtney- glad to meet you.
ReplyDeleteThe pipster- its amazing how a controlling man is the quickest road to us being happy alone.:)
mama has spoken- I know that feeling!!!
Tiffany- having lived the life you are living now, I remember well how nice it sounded to be alone...!
Brittany- what a great way to describe it 'too plugged in'.
slommler- I am learning it is precious!
Anything fits a naked mad- thats exactly what I felt..LONELY and then *poof* not!:)
VKT- you words were kind, and funny:) thank you! Actually my first husband felt some of what I felt with my second husband. I was not cruel- I loved to hard. I loved him all wrong..and we married so YOUNG...its very sad! BUT, I have come to know it just was not meant to be. I was not who he needed..and through that he became very wrong for me!
Breeze- you crack me up!!:)and yes, its quite funny how it sneaks up on you if you just wait it out...
I am a total loner. It scares me sometimes too.
ReplyDeleteHave a great day
ReplyDeleteI love "alone time" really I do, I thoroughly enjoy my time alone so much so that I don't think I could handle a relationship any longer, unless of course the other person liked "alone time" too.
ReplyDeleteI'm a single mom as well and I love my time alone! However, I also love to be with my friends and catch up with them when I can. I think we should treasure our times alone and catch up on things that we can't really do when we have our children. :)
ReplyDeleteI used to cry when my kids were gone even though my oldest was pretty much with me all the time.
ReplyDeleteOver the last year I have grown to love my alone time. :) So much so that when I was caught up in my last relationship I was feeling suffocated by his wanting to be near me at all times.
I am home alone right now ... doing homework but I like the still of the house and only my music playing in the background.
The best alone time is the week before Christmas when my kids visit their dad and I get to rent a bunch of movies and sew. :)
Well, it stands to reason you are reveling in your time alone. Why wouldn't you be?
ReplyDelete