I have been worried...
worried that my desire to be alone,
speaks to something deeper.
On the weekends I do not have my kids,
I attend their games and see my friends.
I go to church on Sunday
and hang out with my best friend and others,
but I make no effort apart from that!
I do not call anyone,
rarely do I set up plans to meet..
I look forward instead to my tofu Thai food,
and the movie I will rent,
and the one I will go see.
I enjoy my time alone!!!
This is new for me..
until a few months ago
I kept my weekends busy
with friends and activity!
Now, not only am I alone for most of it..
I am quiet in my alone ness!
I do not run here and there..
I just AM!
I have become more and more happy in my solitude,
and have wondered more and more, could I like it TOO much!?
And then a friend came over to drop something off..
She has walked in my shoes.
so I shared my 'wonder'.
She pointed out something so TRUE!
I was married for 14 years,
my family was my LIFE!
I home schooled my kids,
they were ALWAYS with me.
I loved my husband tightly
and was always available to him.
Alone time was NOT a word in my vocabulary!
Then I moved in with my parents,
as wonderful as they were..
it was not my home..
it was a shared space for all of us.
and when I remarried
it was into a prison.
A man who called me obsessively
if I was not with him.
A man who wanted me by his side constantly
if I was.
A man who gave me a daily schedule
A man who followed me
if I was out of his sight.
Who recorded me
if he was out of mine.
I did not breathe un noticed.
I could not slip out to a park,
or take an unaccounted for walk.
I had no friends.
I was NEVER alone completely.
And so now?
alone time feels sweet.
I can be selfish.
I can choose the movie
AND the snacks.
I can spend my time my way without guilt!
and so, where I am
seems just right for what I have been through.
And when and if the time comes
that someone else wants a say,
in the movie..
or those snacks:)..
I will be OK with that!
But, I think I will forever
that 'alone time' is a word
that remains apart of my heart and life!