Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Divorce is NOT between 2 people...

A friend of mine
brought up an interesting point recently..
she mentioned that she was glad I had forgiven,
but she was having a harder time..
not with HER situation,
she is happily married.
But, with mine.
It felt personal to her.
She had loved my ex..
as many did..
she was sad and hurt..
even betrayed.

This is so true.
I see it so often..
and I see it in my life.
Those that love me
and watched me hurt,
those that knew my ex
and felt like they lost
someone important to them..
they have not moved on
as easily as I have.

I have thought about this alot,
and here is what I have.
when it happens to you
you live it daily..
every moment.
There is not a moment of an hour of a day,
that you do not remember
or hurt
or cry
or think
or mourn
or wish
or pray!
Your hurt is all you do
and all you are.
And so,
you have to face it!
You have no choice,
you either get lost in the pain,
or you learn from it
and begin to move on.

However, those around you,
hurt and cry and mourn..
but they are still living their lives.
They can not put their marraiges, families
and lives on hold
to face and deal with YOUR crisis...
and so instead they face it in moments!
They face it when they see you
or speak with you,
and they remember.
and then they hurt..
as if it just happened.
For them there is not the closure
or the time.

In addition when YOU
are facing this,
you read books,
take classes,
get therapy..
YOU know you are in crisis
and you react accordingly.
Those who love you,
support you
and help you
without realising they are in crisis too.
They have loved
and they have lost.

I have no words of wisdom,
but I know that divorce does not only affect the couple.
It breaks hearts in every direction...
it severes families,
and ends friendships.
Divorce is a force of nature
that leaves devastation in its wake.
And the only solution,
is time..
and reality..
and communication..
and the grace to know,
that those who love you
are hurting too!!
and may need YOU to support them
when you are healthy enough
to lend an ear, a heart and a hand!


  1. Also, when a couple you know and care about divorces, it forces you to confront your own marriage. I think it scares people. Some react with support and others withdraw. It is difficult all the way around.

  2. secret agent- very true. I saw this 'pulling away' as well..! almost a fear that it could be 'caught'.

  3. It scares a lot of people. Not long ago a couple I knew had a crisis. She had been having a six year affair. It came as a shock to almost everybody. He forgave her and they are still together but moved away. They had to move away, it wouldn't have worked otherwise. Everybody was so angry at HER because they loved they loved was a foundation shaker. It also makes one thing..if he can do that or she can do that, anyone can fall into it. My own take is, anyone can. I choose not to, I hope my husband chooses not to but I know I am strong enough to deal if it happens. But I can see that some of our friends would be absolutely devastated at either of us who did.

    This is a great post and I think your reasons are very sound. Collateral damage.


  4. LOL! So true, so true. Praying with all my heart that I never minimize YOUR loss but I do not think you think so by what you write here. You are SO right on with all you say!! Thank you for helping me through YOUR divorce. I am still in anger stage!! LOL! Write that book woman! The entire world needs to hear this wisdom!!!

  5. So true! There is the anger and the pain just sitting there. I have been the sister-in-law in pain. I felt so betrayed and yet my heart was broken. Little pieces scattered everywhere. In this instance, there was no other women or man in the picture...just a parting of the way! I have recovered and they have moved on; but, he is still angry. Sigh!
    Divorce is not a friend to anyone.
    Well written!

  6. When my ex and I separated it was very upsetting for those people around us.

    to try and lessen the hurt, I pulled away from people and didnt talk to them about what was going on. I didn't want to "force" them to choose sides. My ex, on the other hand, did the opposite, rallying everyone around him, telling anyone who would listen about everything that I did wrong (as he perceived).

    Guess what? They picked sides. And it sure wasn't mine.

    It's heartbreaking when things like that happen - even more pain on top of an already painful situation.

  7. When my sister in law got divorced the first time, we all wished that we could have kept her hubby as family instead of her. Sad I know but we really really really loved him, we tolerated her. We had to give up our ties to him since it was caused too many issues in the extended family. We still miss him........

  8. I think this is just human nature and "secret agent woman" has hit the nail on the head. This sort of thing just doesn't happen with divorce it also happens with Death. When my dad died suddenly family friends of more that 30 years just stopped seeing my mum. I think although their actions were mean and horrible they weren't deliberate to hurt. They couldn't deal with the pain of what had happened and they had the option to ignore it unlike the people left behind due to a divorce or death.

  9. Debbie, this was as true as it was eloquently said. *sigh* Momma Sunshine and I have so much in common--I was the pastor's wife. And there was so much sticky black mud when I started looking that I didn't want slung about to hit my silently I left.

    The remarkable thing is now, years later, I've run into several people from my old church; direct quote: "Who ever said we wanted HIM out of your divorce, didn't we get a vote?!" (chuckle) Time heals...and reveals truths left unsaid.

    Thank goodness for sunshine, tulips, & spring.

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  11. From one single mama to another....I agree completely!!

    Happy Friday follow!

  12. It is so true!
    But I have to say, I don't see you as a single mum, you are a divorced mum, what makes a huge diference for your kids, coz in the end, I believe(and hope) , the children's dad keeps in touch...

    Happy Friday !
    Following you from FF, please when you get a chance check out my blog and follow me back ?

    Cheers !


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  14. following u from FF! Feel free to visit me here:
    Life Can't Wait and Up Now and What's Next

  15. thank you for the amazing comments. I learn so much and heal so much through the comments that you guys leave!!

  16. p.s. Karine smith- I completely understand that point. and yes, blessedly their dad is in the picture. I guess the 'single' part comes in because when the kids are with me..its just me. I do it alone, the house, the car, the homework, the school know..the whole kit and caboodle. Their dad is involved for sure but we run our own in essense he is doing the 'single dad' thing too on his weekends and nights...its all very complicated!!! BUT, much rather this way then completely alone!!!! Looking forward to stopping by your blog...

  17. Your family is gorgeous & you have a lot of blessings! I wish you luck in this journey I'm a new Friday follower and would love for you to come back and visit

  18. I felt bad only becos I may had hurt those around me. I know they loved me, my in-laws but I guess it was a shock to them that I did what I did. But what hurts the most, they were quite indifferent to my pain. So I was wondering if at the end of the day, who got hurt. Hiaz.

    Hey have a wonderful Easter and Blessings to you kids. Happy you popped by. ((Hugs))

  19. I'm your newest follower from FF. Can't wait to read more, stop by my blog sometime! Happy FF!


  20. Oh, I think you have a couple words of wisdom. That was a very conscise rendering of an emotion I've felt that i've never put a name too.

    I'm glad I found your blog.