an unavoidable good bye..

some good byes we choose,
some we have to face because some one else chooses..
and some happen..
and there is nothing we can do.

I am facing what many woman my age
have faced..
the goodbye
to the babies..
goodbye to being the' mommy of young-uns'
that I so loved being.

Its odd that this loss is hitting me now,
I love the age my children are.
BUT I will admit
I am FLOORED that in 2 months
I will be a mother of a teenager.
How?
when?
where was I?

And the thing is??
I never missed a moment..
I regret little of their early years..
and yet,
its flying by!
and I am faced with the reality
that I will not have more.
I am not sure I want more,
I am pretty busy as a single mom of 3,
but I know that I am sad
that I won't have more.
odd..I know..

I teach preschoolers,
and daily
I am reminded of the sweetness
of those little hugs and kisses,
and I see the toys
that I know my kids are so beyond...
and I realise its time to say goodbye
to that little hope
I held,
that maybe one day
I would hold a baby once again.
I think this is a woman thing....
I think its a 'I will be 40 in 3 years' thing..
but, its still a sad thing.

When I look at my life,
and I know I would not change it..
and yet, I also know
that I miss the days
of pushing swings at the park,
and sticky kisses,
and naked little tushes....
I miss the baby curls,and baby teeth, and baby coos..
I miss knowing that I could hold my child
and protect them from the world outside my arms...

I watch them grow...
and my heart is now unprotected,
they carry me with them
in a scary world,
I am beside them as they grow,
no longer do I hold them through the storm;
instead I hold their hand..
and they hold my heart!
and I think above all..
I am saying good bye to the simplicity...
the simple kisses that fixed the boo-boos.
knowing that the hurts to come
will not be fixed with a band aid..

So emotionaly draining, this whole growing up thing...
and I mean ME,
not them!