the plateau

it always amazes me
that my emtions can run on high..
my enery at full throttle;
I go through the week
feeling the injustices of the world,
railing against being misunderstood,
fearful of finances,
frustrated that my working out
seems to be paying off in
I.O.U's rather then dividends,
excited about achievements the children share,
exhausted by behavior that seems to have no cure,
energetic about my job and working to my best potential...
I work,
I play,
I share,
I live.
All to my highest capacity!

And then,
seemingly from no-where..
whether its mommyhood
or single hood
or life..
It's done,
I am done.
Just done..
All of a sudden I am too tired..
too tired to care what someone else thinks..
to tired to worry about that pesky electric bill..
to tired to engage over the 'sassy' battle...
to tired to wonder if I will ever feel less guarded then I feel now...
to tired to be excited about the new life and happenings around me...

Just like that.
I have hit a plateau.
I do not want to fight.
or try.
or overcome.
or play the game.
or better yet try and understand it.
I don't want to..well...
I just don't want to.

Today I must just be...
and allow my body
and mind
the time to catch up
to the emotions
that race at will
and exhaust my every cell.
I must relax
as activity and moving
are part of who I am,
and part of what I must do
to survive and provide.
Today I must settle..
to allow the week to end,
and to have the energy to welcome in a new one,
and then to do this ALL over again
next week.

How could I NOT be?

Tired?
how could I NOT be tired??
really, I am a single mom with 3 kids..
all preteens..
I work full time and go to school,
kids are in theater , boy scouts and girl scouts,
we have a home to clean (Thank the Good Lord)
and 2 dogs, 3 cats, 1 rabbit and 3 reptiles.
of course, I am tired!

Happy?
how could I NOT be happy?
I am a mom of 3 wonderful kids...
all growing up into amazing people!
I have a great job! I love where I work..
I love who I work with.
I get to go to school which will benefit my family and I.
My kids are able to participate in theater on a wonderful scholarship..
My older 2 love scouts!!
We have a little home that we love!
and we are blessed with so many animals
that add joy to our family!
of course, I am happy!

some days you climb the wall..some days you hit it!

Seems this week I have hit it!
Just too tired to think!
and yet this is not a normal state of being for me..
I wonder why I am so burnt out??

I think that the summer coming to an end plays a part!
This is the second summer I have worked with my kids out of school.
This one was great however,
in that my kids got blessed by the hard work!
We had vacations and camps...
treats and fun...
the hard work so worth it!
BUT, as its drawing to an end..
I think the anticipation of evenings at home...
is starting to mount!

I look forward to the normal teaching schedule..
and the routine of daily life!
Maybe, I am just tired..it happens!:)
But, for whatever reason..
today..this week..
is a week in which cleaning the kitchen is an accomplishment
getting laundry done is cause for celebration
and the hot meals just icing on the cake!!:)

The great part...
each day is new...
each moment now history...
and relief is just around the corner!!

Parenting pitfalls single..

OK !Thats a mouthful!
BUT, I find single parenting exhausting..
and yes this has surprised me!
Heres why..
I was a stay at home, home schooling mom
for 11 years.
I was pretty much it when it came to
rules, enforcement, schooling, ect..
their dad was often gone..
sometimes school...
sometimes work..
sometimes play...
but often gone!
I sometimes felt single married..
and yet...its different!

then yesterday I got it!
ONE of those 'aha' moments!
When it is just you..
just one...
your kids know you.
They know your weakness..
your buttons..
your inconsistancies..
your empty threats.
They know your threshhold..
and so, as yours is the only threshhold
that now comes into play..
you are always being pushed there!
When there is another body in the home..
their threshhold is different..
and probably on different things!
So some things are moot and you are never
even close to your threshhold
and the other 'adult' already hit theirs..
and your kids know it!
some things are balanced
and your children are thrown off
just a bit
as to who might be pushed too far..
because there are 2 grown ups to figure out!

But one??
easy for them to divide and conquer!
and so they know..
how far is too far,
but they will meet you at that line
each and every time..
and I only just got this!

I have a game plan:)
I have not surrendered...
and I understand that life..
parenting...
is about growing with your circumstances..
my children have changed...
I must change to meet the circumstances.
I must become what they need
and find the solid footing
that I need...

and I must learn to say what I say..
mean what I mean..
because they smell my weakness
and go for the kill....

ok..slightly dramatic! LOL!!
its tough tho...