I used to always believe life was good...
people were good..
and ultimately it would all work out!
these last three years have taught me
that life is hard..
people are not always good...
and sometimes it just does not work out at all!!
It has caused a deficit in my ability to trust..
I went from the naive gal who trusted too much..
to the naive gal who is still surprised by life..
yet does not trust at all!!
when I notice it the most
is when things are going good!
Right now is one of those times...
out side sources have been blessing my children and I
in big ways and small ways
and all such important ways!
some of these blessings literally improved our life
by improving the comfort of our home...
some of these blessings have touched my heart
as they are affirming and validating and accepting...
and all of these blessings have left me speechless.
My head keeps running to the next stage,
the stage where it gets hard again...
the stage where I might get hurt again...
the stage where I might feel alone again..
and I wonder..
when does the trust return?
not just the trust of men..
but the trust of actions
the trust that those around that say they love you
and show it..
and follow through...
won't suddenly stop and run and decide you are too much trouble..
I always thought trust was only with in a relationship
and yet through this
I have come to understand that when you have been hurt
learning to trust
is in everything you do..
and every breath that you take..
its in your friendships
and your conversations..
its in your thoughts
and your actions...
learning to trust that you can trust..
and what is...is...
is a much harder process then I ever imagined!
learning to live in the moment...
and accept that this moment is real..
and just feel happy!
Instead of waiting...
for the roof to fall again...
is a task...
BUT, its a task I am glad to face!
Because facing this
means that there are those showing their love..
and daring me to trust...
and so in this moment I start..
in this moment I trust!
Knowing tomorrow I will face the battle again..
and knowing tomorrow I will choose again
to live in my moment..
and trust in this moment...
and eventually I will no longer fear to trust...
I will just once again live
and trust will once more be apart of who I am.