LONG but HEALING!!!

Written on year ago .....
November 2008
I have come to a place of realizing who I am and who I am not!
Part of this journey has been understanding that for much of my life
I have tried to be someone I am not!

I believed a good woman and wife would be meek and mild at all times.
I believed submission meant dieing to self.
And yet, what I have found is that often I felt so convicted in
areas and unsure what was OK to feel and what was not.
Arguing and speaking up was called 'defensiveness' and 'rebellion'
and I believed it. I feared strength in woman.
In fact I argued against women in powerful positions.
I believed strength was in my 'meekness'.
And yet, what I have realized is that in many ways
I was never challenged in areas I held strong.
My greatest area of conviction, my children, was largely left to me.
And so, I continued to believe that I was meek, pliable and completely subservient.
With much internal insight I have come to understand a central truth-
I am strong! I have strong feelings and convictions.
If I argue it is not rebellion or defensiveness,
it is from a place of strength and belief.

As I look at my life and foresee the future-
I envision what my life will look like-I envision my children, their future and their partners.

I want my girls to understand the beauty in their strength,
and the gift of their submission. I want my son to accept his role in whole.
the headship in love and mutual submission to his future partner.
I want modeled for them a marriage
that shows acceptance, encouragement, trust , leadership and yes, submission.
But, this model will not be complete with only 2 of these traits,
it needs all of these traits and more to present the complete image of love
I wish for them.

I look over my life and I have come to understand more of who I am.
I do not need, or even desire alot to be happy.
However there are some basic things I NEED; (no particular order)
1) fairness
2)acceptance
3)basic shelter
4)stability for my children
5)spiritual connections
6)social interactions/family
7)to be valued
8)outlets that leave me feeling like I made a difference

These things are part of who I am and what I need.
My spirit 'rebels' and reacts when these things are missing.
These things make up my core.
So these things need to be in place in my life and relationship for me
to be completely centered.
__________
one year later and I feel all this and more...
moving forward, forward, forward!