There are so many firsts this season..
and I am learning
that with every first
is a bittersweet moment!!
3 years ago when my marriage fell apart,
my first holiday season was spent at my mom and dads..
I was living with them,
and they carried the load!
It was a sad time for me..!
The next holiday season
I had remarried,
I had hope..
yet nothing was as expected..
we had my family over
and it was preceded by a HUGE fight..
and ended with me crying in the driveway when they left to go home..
wishing I was going with them!
The next holiday season..
I had just fled that volatile relationship..
I was living in an in law apartment
someone had kindly lent us!
There was no tree..
or much room to decorate..
and it was the first Christmas morning
my children were with their dad...
bleak and lonely!
So here I am..
Holiday season number 4!
determined to make new memories...
knowing that means getting beyond the past!
Today my children and I decorated the tree..
we had our first 'alone' thanksgiving dinner..
we drank eggnog
and watched its a wonderful life..
we lit a fire,
even tho its really not that cold!
It was not a perfect day!
We are family,
drama is implied!
BUT it was a good day...
and it was a start for me,
the step towards knowing
I can do all these things alone.
and yet, in a quiet moment,
I sat with my coffee and looked at the tree...
and I cried!
I am not sure if I cry for the past
and a person,
I think I cry because there is no one to do this with,
I think I cry from the hurt
of a missing family member!
I think I cry because I am alone!
when the moment passes,
I know and understand
I would not...at this time..have it any other way!
These moments are mine,
the future is waiting...
and the present is exactly where I want to be!