Melancholy May

I am more melancholy this month
than normal..
this is not usual for me..
But from the first day of May
I felt like something was looming...
as I have reflected,
I think its all the 'events' that May has held.

The first comes soon..
this will be its own blog.
My first borns birthday!
Birthdays are so bitter sweet these days.
The sweet is the time with the kids..
and another year we have shared.
The bitter is that each birthday that has passed
since their dad left..
I have felt the void
that appears when there is no-one
who truly owns that memory with you.
I want to talk not just about a child
turning 13!
I want to talk about my child..our child
with someone who was there..
who understands what this birthday means.
Who has measured time
by the milestones..
and lived each heartbeat along with me..
so, it leaves a tiny hole..

May has held other events too..
It used to be my anniversary..
Can't help but remember that..

It was also the month my life began to unravel
several years ago...

Its odd to me
that I don't keep this month
in the surface files of my brain..
and yet when the month arrives,
my heart remembers and reacts...

All part of the process..
not a bump in the road,
just an imprint on the paper...
and no matter what May holds,
June is still to come...
and as far as my memory tells me
June has a pretty trouble free past!:)

footprints..soulprints...

I heard this recently;
"Some people come into our lives and simply go.
Some leave footprints on our heart and we are never, ever the same."
It is so fitting
for the place I am.

Some of the footprints
left on my heart,
are made from scars..
they were left after pain and sadness
and they have forever changed
the texture of my soul.

some of the footprints
left on my heart
are gestures that remind me
how good people can be.
unexpected gifts and help..
words of encouragment,
simple blessings from unexpected people
that remind me that there is hope
and there is redemption..

some of the footprints
left on my heart
are left by those who love me..
who support me..
and who have been beside me
when life was good
and when life was not.
The footprints that shadow my own...

and then there are the footprints
that leave imprints
because you never know
what the end result might have been,
could have been,
or even should have been.
the 'what ifs' ,
the 'what might have been'
the 'wonder why's'....
the footprints that reach beyond our hearts
to our souls.
the foot prints that create our very
perceptions of who we are
and who we might have been....

all these footprints
become the connection
between our heart and soul
and the reality that is..

some are left silently
and some with words,
that penetrate our core.
but all shape us
and all become a part,
forever,
of who we are!

one of those moments....

I went to the beach alone today
the beach is a place that holds
so many memories..
some good,
some sad.
It is where I have gone to cry,
and heal.
It is where I have gone to laugh
and smile.

Today, I decided to take a walk...
When I started
I was full of energy and purpose..
I walked away from where I had been
excited about what I might see
or find while walking..

I walked for ages.

Then it was time to turn around...
as I faced how far I had come,
I realized how long it would take
to get back!

it hit me...

It is so much easier to walk away
then it is to walk back...

And yet,
to heal we must return.

If we continue to run,
we will keep up walls
and always protect ourselves from getting hurt.
We will live in a 'fight or flight' mode,
ready to run at any moment.
Afraid to take chances
Afraid to take risks...

If we stand still
we shall never experience
hurt or healing..

and so we must go back!
We must go back to the place we started.
The place we were before the hurt,
before the pain.
The place we were before
we learned to put up walls
and guard our hearts.
We must go back to who we were
when we believed that trust was good,
and hope was possible...

We run away because we need to,
we return because we want to...
we want to be whole again.

I have turned around
and begun the steps back.
Sometimes I take flight,
and sometimes I just wait out the fear.
But even when I turn to run away again;
I never get as far
from the starting point
as I once was.
I am not back yet...
I am still raw,
my heart is not all the way open,
my wall is up and locked in place.
BUT, I have begun the journey back.
Back to the place I began,
the place that holds the key..
that will ultimately unlock my heart
and open the gateway to my soul..
and even though for a time,
the wall may stay up..
but there shall once again
be a way in.

My moment today,
was the knowing that;
You have to stop running away
to be able to turn around
and go back the way you came...
back to the you
before the heart break began.