one of those moments....

I went to the beach alone today
the beach is a place that holds
so many memories..
some good,
some sad.
It is where I have gone to cry,
and heal.
It is where I have gone to laugh
and smile.

Today, I decided to take a walk...
When I started
I was full of energy and purpose..
I walked away from where I had been
excited about what I might see
or find while walking..

I walked for ages.

Then it was time to turn around...
as I faced how far I had come,
I realized how long it would take
to get back!

it hit me...

It is so much easier to walk away
then it is to walk back...

And yet,
to heal we must return.

If we continue to run,
we will keep up walls
and always protect ourselves from getting hurt.
We will live in a 'fight or flight' mode,
ready to run at any moment.
Afraid to take chances
Afraid to take risks...

If we stand still
we shall never experience
hurt or healing..

and so we must go back!
We must go back to the place we started.
The place we were before the hurt,
before the pain.
The place we were before
we learned to put up walls
and guard our hearts.
We must go back to who we were
when we believed that trust was good,
and hope was possible...

We run away because we need to,
we return because we want to...
we want to be whole again.

I have turned around
and begun the steps back.
Sometimes I take flight,
and sometimes I just wait out the fear.
But even when I turn to run away again;
I never get as far
from the starting point
as I once was.
I am not back yet...
I am still raw,
my heart is not all the way open,
my wall is up and locked in place.
BUT, I have begun the journey back.
Back to the place I began,
the place that holds the key..
that will ultimately unlock my heart
and open the gateway to my soul..
and even though for a time,
the wall may stay up..
but there shall once again
be a way in.

My moment today,
was the knowing that;
You have to stop running away
to be able to turn around
and go back the way you came...
back to the you
before the heart break began.