Tuesday, May 18, 2010

too much to not say...

What a week this has been..
some of my week I cannot yet share.
I must tell you
that this is so hard for me.
I live out loud to a fault,
so to have a burden and carry it
without words
almost breaks me!
But, for now it must be..

But, this one difficult part of my week
has been compounded.
In details THAT must be attended to NOW..
In all the thoughts in my head swirling,
In a combination
of things that must be done
and things that can't be said.

Then tonight,
a small crisis
became a devastating pit fall.
My car, once again, died on me.
Maybe something small like a battery..
maybe not.
The timing was not good..
it caused me to miss an obligation.
The emotional journey it took me on
was one that was heavy and made me feel
at the end of my rope.
For a moment it all felt too much.

I got a ride home..
I sat on my porch
and I sobbed..
and sobbed.
I wondered why..
am I doing something wrong?
I try,
I am not perfect,
but I try.
Why does it seem that life is caving in on me?
I had that broken moment
in which there was no stopping the tears.

My daughter came outside..
I rarely let my children see me cry.
I express sadness
and I let them know we all cry,
but, I try and save them from fear
by not breaking in front of them..
but today I could not stop sobbing.
My child sat beside me
and in a moment I will never forget,
she put her arms around me,
her head on my shoulder,
and in a voice I use with them said;
"shhh..its OK.it's going to be OK".
and she held me.
for just a moment roles reversed.
and for just a moment she comforted me.
for that moment I was reminded how not alone I am.

I took a breath...
and told her
yes, it was OK.
I am stressed but thats just a feeling..
not an indication of doom..
I hugged her,
I smiled!

and life began to pick up.
My children's father brought me his car.
(once again I am blessed that we have moved beyond
the hurt and become parent partners in life.)
The lady whose home my car is at,
called to say her dad was checking it out..
who knows what will happen..
or how bad this is.

BUT, its the moments that we feel like its too much
that we are reminded WHY?
why we keep going when we want to quit!
why we keep pushing when we hit the wall.
why its all worth it,
when the children we love..love us back.

Its dark..
but there will be light!
Morning is coming,
and with a new day
comes a new chance for blessings
But, when all is said and done,
there are some times in life
you just have to get through..
this is one of those weeks.
I need to give myself permission
to just feel all that I am feeling,
the good , the bad and all the things in between.


  1. Oh Deb, I have had days like that. It is so sweet that your daughter was able to be there for you to help you through. We do indeed all cry, but angels emerge when we need them most to help us keep going. What a beautiful post. I hope that pesky car doesn't cause too much hassle. Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.

  2. So glad your daughter was there to comfort you and your recognized her love.
    Nice that the exfactor brought over his car and maybe just maybe having yours fixed won't cost an arm and a leg.
    Be strong my young friend, we all have these days.....it is not what happens to us but how we react to it. Keeping you in my heart and prayers.......:-) Hugs

  3. Sending you a big virtual hug.

    My son held me this weekend too. Whenever he sees me upset (which isn't often..) he holds my face in his hands and says :

    "Shh.. its okay. take a deep breath!" then he hugs me and I ALWAYS feel better!

  4. A tear fell down when your child put her arms around you and told u it's gonna be okay....

  5. What a precious gift your daughter gave you. And that you could receive it is fabulous! Yes better days are in your future. I hope your car has a simple problem and I am glad you have a car to use.
    Hugging you

  6. Oh my girls have held me MANY times in mid-breakdown. Love, from anyone, is always good in those moments!

    You are blessed, indeed.

  7. You have taught your kids well by hearing her reaction to you! That mmy dear is priceless and a clear sign that good days are going to be plenty for you and your family!

  8. I've broken before but things always get better, and there is nothing that fixes me more than when one of my children finds the strength in them to comfort me.

  9. Embrace the sadness and loneliness...it helps to not avoid the emotions. Yes, it is always darkest before the dawn and always remember that calm weather never made a great captain.

    Rejoice in the fact that you have your children there to comfort and console you.

  10. Your daughter's compassion brought tears to my eyes. What a special moment. Things will get better.

  11. what a heartfelt post..I love what you little girl did and said....my daughter has encouraged me in simliar ways. I'm so glad you have your kids....they really teach us. Praying for you...stay strong ok...Sarah

  12. I've come over from Diane's Addled Ramblings - my heart goes out to you! This post made me teary, what a stressful time! You seem to have a strong head on those shoulders! Things will pick up or move on or both! Keep the positive thoughts flowing

  13. The part about your little girl made me cry. She's so sweet. But it's true. Everyone needs to cry sometimes. You were real with her. Life can be tough. We can't always to strong. She's such a sweet girl to console her mommy. You should be very proud of her!!! Thank God for little girls...