too much to not say...

What a week this has been..
some of my week I cannot yet share.
I must tell you
that this is so hard for me.
I live out loud to a fault,
so to have a burden and carry it
without words
almost breaks me!
But, for now it must be..

But, this one difficult part of my week
has been compounded.
In details THAT must be attended to NOW..
In all the thoughts in my head swirling,
In a combination
of things that must be done
and things that can't be said.

Then tonight,
a small crisis
became a devastating pit fall.
My car, once again, died on me.
Maybe something small like a battery..
maybe not.
The timing was not good..
it caused me to miss an obligation.
The emotional journey it took me on
was one that was heavy and made me feel
at the end of my rope.
For a moment it all felt too much.

I got a ride home..
I sat on my porch
and I sobbed..
and sobbed.
I wondered why..
am I doing something wrong?
I try,
I am not perfect,
but I try.
Why does it seem that life is caving in on me?
I had that broken moment
in which there was no stopping the tears.

My daughter came outside..
I rarely let my children see me cry.
I express sadness
and I let them know we all cry,
but, I try and save them from fear
by not breaking in front of them..
but today I could not stop sobbing.
My child sat beside me
and in a moment I will never forget,
she put her arms around me,
her head on my shoulder,
and in a voice I use with them said;
"shhh..its OK.it's going to be OK".
and she held me.
for just a moment roles reversed.
and for just a moment she comforted me.
for that moment I was reminded how not alone I am.

I took a breath...
and told her
yes, it was OK.
I am stressed but thats just a feeling..
not an indication of doom..
I hugged her,
I smiled!

and life began to pick up.
My children's father brought me his car.
(once again I am blessed that we have moved beyond
the hurt and become parent partners in life.)
The lady whose home my car is at,
called to say her dad was checking it out..
who knows what will happen..
or how bad this is.

BUT, its the moments that we feel like its too much
that we are reminded WHY?
why we keep going when we want to quit!
why we keep pushing when we hit the wall.
why its all worth it,
when the children we love..love us back.

Its dark..
but there will be light!
Morning is coming,
and with a new day
comes a new chance for blessings
But, when all is said and done,
there are some times in life
you just have to get through..
this is one of those weeks.
I need to give myself permission
to just feel all that I am feeling,
the good , the bad and all the things in between.