Friday, May 28, 2010

The ex-factor

one of my favorite readers coined that phrase..
and it made me think..
they are a factor in your life!
They are not just a person
you once knew.

I know that for many this subject is touchy.
There is no way that one person
can make a GOOD co-parenting relationship alone.
I do think one person can make good choices,
and there by influence the tone of the relationship.
BUT, that's probably as much as one can do alone.
I know many men and woman that were put through
the ringer by their ex...
I know many who were abandoned on every level there is.

But, then there is the rest of us.
Those that were hurt or betrayed or rejected or broken...
Those that knew it was over,
and those that fought until the end.
Those whose hearts still bear the scars,
and those whose conscience carries the burden.

We all loved and we all lost!
But, whats next?

I will share that when my marriage ended,
in my heart it ended too.
I knew I had to move on
and decide what the future would look like.
From the beginning I did not loose sight
of the fact,
that we share children!
I made mistakes..
and my greatest mistake came
in allowing another to dictate my relationship
with my children's father.
My ex- he has made mistakes too..

BUT, we always come back to this;
We married for a reason.
We loved each other once.
We like each other still.
We are not good together.
We have both moved on.
We have each accepted that we played a role.
We have each asked the other for forgiveness.
AND We have determined who we are now!
NOW we are co-parents!
We do not always agree.
We are, however, trying to hear each other out more.
We are trying to accept what many married couples fail to do;
we are different people with different ideals.
We do not put each other down in front of the kids
or to each other!
We have decided that As much as possible,
(OLD hurts still crop up sometimes)
the past shall remain where it belongs.

Why? why all this work and self reflection?
why swallow hurts on both parts?
why see beyond the history to the heart?

Because we have 3 amazing children.
We shall know each other forever.
We shall sit at ball games and graduations.
We shall visit our children at the birth's of their babies.
We shall share family moments
God willing for a very long time.
So we choose now what that shall look like.
Our children know we do things differently!
Their worlds are not perfect reflections of each other!
Their hearts were hurt and souls damaged.
They will have baggage due to choices beyond their control
BUT they don't have to deal with OUR baggage..
they have enough of their own to juggle!

And, in the end
what remains?
Its not a love story!
neither, is it a nightmare.
We have found out what is left;
when the vows are no longer.
We have chosen that for us
that will be 2 people
there for one another when needed..
raising children together..

there are no games
or battles over turf.
We don't sweat the small stuff
because we know..
there is always big stuff to come.
That's the nature of the broken present.
But, when battles come we have laid the foundation;
and the hope is, it will be faced as smoothly
and dealt with, with as much grace
as the things that have now become
second nature to us all.

Its not what I dreamed my future would be,
BUT, its the next best way the dream could have ended.


  1. ASTRA REED: Really appreciate you for holding your responsibilties in such a nice way .... you are having really a lovely family...

  2. Yes I agree, no matter my past with my ex he is the father of my children for the rest of our lives.
    He has been distant for so long but I chose to forgive and accept him. He will never be the dad he could have been but working together for the kids ( and someday grandkids) sake is so important to their own happiness.
    Love this

  3. Called in to say thank you for your lovely comment and for becoming a follower. Just read your post, most moving. You do have a lovely family, (what beautiful children!) and they will also tie you and your ex together in some way, but what a lovely tie!

  4. This is so hard for me, being that I was divorced only 2 months ago and my X refuses to have any kind of relationship with me beyond dropping off my daughter. I can only hope that will get better with time. I've chosen to forgive him, but maybe he can't forgive himself.