I don't blog specifics about my faith often,
I have shared that it is a part of my core..
and the key to where I am and who I am.
BUT, heart break is universal
and I have blogged the hurt
knowing that those of all faiths hurt too...
something happened in church today
that was VERY specific to my faith..
it reached me to my very inner being
that part of my soul
buried so deep I sometimes forget its there.
Proverbs 31 is found in the bible..
Its speaks of a woman of noble character
being worth more then rubies..
it speaks of her children and husband
calling her blessed.
In speaks of her husband being respected
because of her.
As a wife
this was my desire.
For years I have been carrying
this failure in my heart.
My husband did not call me blessed.
In fact he chose another life
that did not include me.
I had tried to be all
that this proverb entailed..
I read books on it,
did bible studies on it..
and YET I failed so thoroughly..
or at least I carried that thought in my heart!
Today when the preacher spoke of the husband,
being respected because of the wife..
a HUGE epiphany hit me!!
Many times people have mentioned
my love and devotion to my husband..
some thought we were the perfect couple,
some knew truth I did not
and did not understand...
MANY have spoken to the fact
that my complete loyalty and respect
for the man that I loved
was so evident..
Those who knew what I did not
wondered if I was 'faking',
those who did not know
where shocked when we were no more.
AS I remembered this..
and this truth was spoken out loud in my heart..
I realized I did not fail!!!
It was not about me!
IT was about us!
His feelings of needing space
The miss fit of who we were; real.
BUT, my desire to be a wife
who honored and respected..
to the degree that others
respected my husband,
because of the role I played in his life...
I did that!
I loved and I honored!
I did the best I knew
with all my heart!
And I finally let go of the weight
of this failure...
I began to cry,
I cried from my soul
the hurt so deep and raw..
the guilt so strong and consuming!
and still in this moment
the tears are sitting
waiting to fall!
What an amazing gift.
The gift of knowing
that the guilt you carry
is not yours!
The gift of knowing
that the memories
and moments you tried so hard to make,
were all they were meant to be!!
The tears are no longer of the sadness of loss..
but the complete openness my heart
experienced in that moment
of letting go
of not being enough!
and accepting that , once as a wife,
and now as a mother..
I am doing all I can
with all I have!
well, that's enough!!