recently I was talking
to some one dear to me
this journey I am on,
and how confusing my words
can at times seem.
How one day I have it under control..
and the next day I am falling apart.
I have chosen to bare my soul
and the pain and purpose that my heart holds...
and its true.
I do have it together,
and I am falling apart!
It all depends on the moment.
Today..I experienced a great high..
an amazing experience
that impacted my heart and life!
(I will share more later)
I also experienced great sadness and despair.
All in the same day.
Both things that affected me..
both left me shaken
one by the hope and excitement in life..
and one by the sheer emotions
that loneliness at times
The great moment I will wait to share..
the sad moment I will share now,
because it also involves triumph.
Tonight after work
I joined a running group
and ran a 5k.
The first 5k I have run
in 3 years,
and only the second one I have run in my life.
My goal was to finish..
and I did.
Once again, I felt the empowerment
that comes with over coming,
and doing something hard (for me)
and giving it all I had to give.
That moment lasted for a bit after the run,
and then a wave of complete devastation hit!
I felt completely lonely in the crowd.
this group of couples and families..
a few people I knew,
but none who belonged to me.
No-one knew what it took for me to get where I am,
no-one understood or cared intimatly about my journey
back to a fit body AND soul..
In the physical sense,
(putting my faith aside..)
I run alone..
I live alone..
I over come alone..
and I experience the WIN alone...
and it felt very......alone.
I had to walk away.....
The tears fell
as I walked...
and I felt the sadness in my core.
This aspect of life
is not about the loss of a person,
It is not heart break over a divorce,
it is the reality that at this stage in my life,
I did not see myself alone.
I envisioned sharing my life and triumphs and hurts
with my partner.
I expected to spend my life, raising kids,
having date nights
talking about life with the one I loved.
I just did not see my life this way.
And yet, I am Ok with it.
I accept it.
I often fight for it,
and even desire aspects of it.
there are moments
that the unexpected place I am
still brings about a stab of unexpected pain...
and thats the way it works.
its there in some ways every day!
sometimes there is empowerment and acheivement...
Sometimes there is excitement and joy..
sometimes there is worry and fear...
and sometimes there is loneliness and despair..
And often its all in the same time frame.
and its normal..
and which part of my day you might hear
will be the one
that in this day..
leaves the heaviest imprint on my heart!
or sometimes its the most recent imprint...
which is why the words that follow
might be of something so different
and impacting in such a different way.
Erraticly normal..thats me!