Friday, April 30, 2010

erratically normal

recently I was talking
to some one dear to me
who mentioned
this journey I am on,
and how confusing my words
can at times seem.
How one day I have it under control..
and the next day I am falling apart.

I have chosen to bare my soul
and the pain and purpose that my heart holds...
and its true.
I do have it together,
and I am falling apart!
It all depends on the moment.

Today..I experienced a great high..
an amazing experience
that impacted my heart and life!
(I will share more later)
I also experienced great sadness and despair.
All in the same day.
Both things that affected me..
both left me shaken
one by the hope and excitement in life..
and one by the sheer emotions
that loneliness at times
can bring...

The great moment I will wait to share..
the sad moment I will share now,
because it also involves triumph.

Tonight after work
I joined a running group
and ran a 5k.
The first 5k I have run
in 3 years,
and only the second one I have run in my life.
My goal was to finish..
and I did.

Once again, I felt the empowerment
that comes with over coming,
and doing something hard (for me)
and giving it all I had to give.
That moment lasted for a bit after the run,
and then a wave of complete devastation hit!
I felt completely lonely in the crowd.
this group of couples and families..
a few people I knew,
but none who belonged to me.
No-one knew what it took for me to get where I am,
no-one understood or cared intimatly about my journey
back to a fit body AND soul..

In the physical sense,
(putting my faith aside..)
I run alone..
I live alone..
I over come alone..
and I experience the WIN alone...
and it felt very......alone.

I had to walk away.....

The tears fell
as I walked...
and I felt the sadness in my core.

This aspect of life
is not about the loss of a person,
or relationship.
It is not heart break over a divorce,

it is the reality that at this stage in my life,
I did not see myself alone.

I envisioned sharing my life and triumphs and hurts
with my partner.
I expected to spend my life, raising kids,
having date nights
talking about life with the one I loved.
I just did not see my life this way.

And yet, I am Ok with it.
I accept it.
I often fight for it,
and even desire aspects of it.
and yet,
there are moments
that the unexpected place I am
still brings about a stab of unexpected pain...

and thats the way it works.
its there in some ways every day!
sometimes there is empowerment and acheivement...
Sometimes there is excitement and joy..
sometimes there is worry and fear...
and sometimes there is loneliness and despair..
And often its all in the same time frame.

its erratic..
and its normal..
and which part of my day you might hear
(or read)
will be the one
that in this day..
leaves the heaviest imprint on my heart!

or sometimes its the most recent imprint...
which is why the words that follow
might be of something so different
and impacting in such a different way.

Erraticly normal..thats me!


  1. I think most people feel the way you do, even often those of us who have partners...our emotions go up and down...I value my alone time because I'm independent yet I am grateful for my partner...and when he's unavailable(he travels for work) it gets a bit sad and lonesome. But at least he's here sometimes and he cares. Life ebbs and flows. Single or married. I think you have more ups than downs and that's good :)


  2. I agree with Breeze as I have had all of these feelings as a widow and again when my children married and made their own lives. I felt like I belonged but I didn' is weird but it is the way it is. I think our spouses or partners are our best friends and when we lose them there are no words to describe the lonliness that hits us like a huge wave at times, then other times it's all okay.....Hugs

  3. Well congrats on the 5K run. That is quite the accomplishment and you should feel proud! But I can see how it was bittersweet when all around you is pairing up of people with one another and you are not. It is too bad that in this society, two is better than one. And that just isn't so. Just being "one" has it's advantages. Remember those and hang on to them.
    My mom is a one and having a blast. She enjoys her soloness! She goes where she wants to go...out to a dance...wherever...she goes!! And she loves it. She has her own home and cares for it help! She loves that too. She is proud of her home. My mom has been doing this solo journey for 16 years!!
    So take heart! Solo is cool!

  4. Erratical Normal. I think thats perfect in every way!

  5. Over the three years of my blog, which started just as my marriage started getting shaky, I have been all over the map emotionally. But isn't that genuine - isn't that how life really is? I'm glad you feel free to just be where you are at any given moment.

  6. I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I hear your words and thoughts in my days. Some days solo is great. Some days it is just so alone. Trying to find the comfort in your own skin and not even notice the alone is my goal. It is life though and we can learn from it all. Congrats on your run.

  7. Eratically normal. That says so much about most all of us I think!