Thursday, April 15, 2010

Friendship on the brain..or the heart!

So, some of the responses
to yesterdays blog
made the think..
women spoke of their friendships
with married men.
This topic is major for me..

when I was married
I did not think married men and women
could be friends with the opposite sex...
(married or single)
I have friends now
who feel that..
and some who would feel differently.
I often think
about how I will feel
if I am ever in a committed
relationship again.

Its all very well
to be Ok with male friends
when I am happily single..
but what about when I am not?
what is OK?
what is not?
how do you define boundaries?

My story is cliche..
I was very jealous..
hubby was quite involved with 'friendships'
and opposite sex interactions.
I had reason to be jealous..
but, wonder how did it start?
I was always jealous!
did my jealousy
cause his need to pull away...
did his need to pull away
cause my jealousy?

OF course,...I was insecure..
I probably still might be.
My insecurity in on the outside..
not beneath the surface.
As a wife I was confident..
as a mother self-assured..
I am pretty sure of who I am now..
and have become more independent
(a past insecurity)..
my body is not such an issue..
because that you can control.
You can work out if you choose..
you can eat right if you want to.
BUT, as is custom for me
I will own my insecurity out loud;

I have never really felt 'pretty'...
for what that's worth.
there is a reason..
maybe one day I will blog it..
no need to reassure:)!!
and not to be overly dramatic..
I know, that like all women..
I can dress up and look attractive
and feel good about myself.
I get that people might describe
me as 'cute'.
All good things..
but that's different then pretty!
and that's OK...
but that's that!
And I never felt 'footloose and fun'..
and I am not.
I am easy going..
and I like to do new things...
and I am kind..
and I like conversation..
and I like to laugh!
BUT, I am not a party in a box!!..

SO, my then husband spending time
with pretty and/or exciting woman
made me feel

However, it changed nothing.
I felt all that
expressed that..
fought against that..
but it still happened.
Can you stop someone who plans
to leave,
even if only in their heart?
is jealousy a wasted emotion?
and does stopping your husband or wife
from friendships with the opposite sex
change the inevitable,
if the inevitable shall be??

One day I will face this again.
Will I fear
in the same way?
or worse?
Will I have learned enough to let go?
Will I know which boundaries
are fair
and which are inappropriate?
How do you learn
and know?
when all you have been taught
has been slanted in dysfunction?

And where do you go for these lessons?
How do you know and own
whats healthy..
even if it causes some inner turmoil?

How do you learn without doing?
so you can do
without having to relearn
all over again??

I guess this is a start?
the owning the fears
and facing the future..
knowing our pasts tends to creep back
when we least expect it.
so being prepared;
and armed as best as possible...
with healthy perspective
and attitude,
might be the only safe guard
against getting caught unaware!


  1. I've had girlfriends post-divorce who flirted with men non-stop. It drove me nuts. I felt those same insecurities you feel. I think magnetic personalities feed off grounded people.

    Now that I'm divorced, married moms don't interact with me. Sure, they'll chat me up on the soccer sideline. But go for coffee? It happens about once a year.

    It takes two to tango. They have insecurities, too.

  2. I would go and have coffee with you, and I would let you hang with my husband and I. I think in part it has to do with how secure you are in your relationship with your spouse as to how the wife takes the hubby hanging with a single pretty woman (yes you are beautiful). However on that note, I had a friend who had what she thought was a strong marriage and didn't mind if hubby went over to the friend's house to help her out with chores and such. He's now her ex-hubby who married and divorced the friend.

  3. I still think it has to do with the security of wives and their relationships. Men seem to make friends easy, no attachments. Women think differently........:-) Hugs

  4. dads house- yes it seems securities are across the board.

    mama has spoken- I would love to have coffee with you:)! and as for your friend thats the scary !BUT, would anything she had done changed it? would he have just gone over behind her back??

    Bernie- I do agree.. BUT as the woman at what point do you let it go??never?? so confusing!

  5. It all boils down to your state of mind when making new friends male or female.

    Do you really want to make friends with men? because they don't want to talk about why men are so different to women, what you can do in your next relationship to make it better or about your circumstances all the time. They may tolerate one conversation about a marriage breakup due to curiosity and then they move on. Men don't nurture and comfort in the way we women do. Men Friends do not sit though a you relaying a story for hours and hours like a female friend will because she cares and knows it is important to you. Men only do this with women they have (want) an obligation to.
    To prove my point today me and my male friend spent 2 hours googling the evolution of dogs!! Something I would not do in a million years with a female friend.

    I hope I don't sound disrespectful to you or any of your readers. I think you are a very brave women for trying to sort out the complexities of a new life and allowing the blog world to see them. I think you are doing a tremendous job but judging by what you have written in your posts I don't think you are ready at this point in time for a friendship with a man.

    Remember there are NO Rule, don't try and make them up you only confuse yourself more. You'll be surprise how uncomplicated it actually is to make a friend.

    Don't became friends with someone because you think down the track something more could become of the friendship. Don't make friends with men just because you think due to their circumstances they are the only ones that will accept you.

    Don't over analyse things. We as women over analyse far to many things.... Trust me I have been the Queen of over Analysing.

    Make friends and if their wives become an issue deal with it then. No point worrying about things that may never happen.

  6. I deal with this everyday. Mostly when I am in a relationship. When you figure it out, PLEASE let me know.

  7. Liss, love what you said. I think really what i was sharing was not my side (in other words my being friends with a man) but the other side...what about being in a commited relationship with someone who was friends with other woman..with my trust issues it seems so easy when I am single and yet those fears and hurts are there..

    Danielle-if I do figure it out or meet someone who has I will share:)!

  8. When your husband has broken your trust, it can be difficult to trust again.

    One of my mottos is “If a man makes me feel insecure then he is not the right man for me”

    This is not a bullet proof motto. It doesn’t mean that someone I trust down the track wont abuse that trust but it does mean that I am not constantly in a state of worry and left feeling insecure about myself.

    You are far too nice to end up with someone you don’t trust again. You’re to important not to feel good about yourself due to the actions of others. Actions we have no control over.