my walls...

I wonder some times how many of the walls
I surround my heart with,
are real!
and how many are there without need.

Several months ago
a seemingly, sweet, single Gentleman;
showed interest!
In the course of our conversation
he mentioned disliking Disney world!
such a simple statement..
do you know where my mind went?
I imagined my annual trip
with my kids-
being in jeopardy
if a man I was involved with
did not want it to happen!
and that did it..
the walls came up!

Over the last 2 years,
there have certainly been
some that have shown interest...
I have met many VERY nice men
and walked away
after minutes in their presence-
or short conversations,
thinking;
they were too short-
or too macho-
or too nice-
or too available-
or too busy-
or too serious-
or too light hearted-
or too......

REALLY?
how is that real?
how is that not based on a need
to keep everyone out?
so far its working!!
and in truth,
I am not unhappy!!

As I reflect on the 'Disney' issue-
I see a greater problem!
I see that I still believe
that the person in my life
has power over me!
WHY would I not just continue
my trip with the kids,
with or without the man in my life?
Why do I not assume HE might compromise!
Why does a mans opinion seem to threaten mine?

The walls are here-
they are my protection,
but I have not yet found their key!
I do not know how to tear them down,
or how to have faith that I can be
stronger then my walls!

Some things are non-compromising!
My faith-
I am sold out to Jesus Christ!
He is my first love!
I want to share that with some one!
My kids-
they are part of the package..
My mini-zoo
(this certainly narrows the playing field!)
A man who is a gentleman!
who opens doors,
who carries heavy things,
who respects me enough
to watch his language
and who would expect others around me
to do the same!
(Yes- I am hopelessly old fashioned!)
A man who sees me as a partner not property!
(this speaks for itself!)

But, is there anything else??
Is the rest just an effort to hide-
or is it based in truth?

Ready is no longer a state of my heart and being!
For me it will eventually
become a choice!
The longer I am alone-
the easier it is for me
to stay 'unready'
to hide behind my walls..
and even build more!

Not sure this is a bad thing-
but at least
let me build walls
based in truth-
not fear!
at least let me trust myself
more then I trust my walls...
at least let this TOO
be a growing experience,
and let me become stronger for the fear...

so much new..so much the same

SO, I am back in school!
My first go round was horrendous!
High school was a joke to me-
a place to make friends.
college was not much better!
A defining quality was my 'last minuteness'
with everything!

yesterday I found history repeating itself!
My 2nd class-
assignment was to read the chapters!
problem,
I had yet to buy the book!
trying to balance it all
and this was missed in the shuffle!

SO, off to class I go
early!
to buy the book..
I get to the book store
and out of my bag tumbles
several empty toilet paper rolls !
(I am a preschool teacher by day!)
I ignored the curious glances,
stuffed them back in my bag
and bought my incredibly overpriced book!

Now, to read it...
I stop in the cafeteria,
a few guys playing pool
but quiet other then that!
Until they spoke..
4 letter words I could not define
as part of their vocabulary!
They were not mad, or even making a point!
Just talking!
A generation of men that do not notice
a woman in the room-
or at least see reason to watch their language
around one.
so, off I go.

I finally find the learning center
only to get confused by the signing in and out
and exactly what you can and cannot do in there!
BUT the book got read-
I made it to class...
I survived the night!
and am still excited about the fresh start!
BUT Oh my...
times have changed..
but based on my 'last minuteness'
I guess I have not! :)

thoughts or lack of them...

I am so tired..
but really happy.
Tired is just part of a busy parents life,
busy is part of the package also.
but happy is good.

The kids are adjusting to school,
I love my job!!
we have the schedule under control,
and the house is in order.
Simple- sweet!

I often wonder when I will start wanting more.
and I am often told I will know when I am ready!
I agree-
but, I still wonder!
It still seems to me,
that this little life I have
does not leave room for interruptions-
or distractions.

Maybe that would change-
hmmm..
but, for now,
in this moment-
I am happy to have a job!
Glad able to provide for my kids!
Excited that I look forward to going to work.
And a little shocked that my house is clean...

Life!
a moment!
this moment!
my moment!
Life= just enough!