Saturday, September 4, 2010

my walls...

I wonder some times how many of the walls
I surround my heart with,
are real!
and how many are there without need.

Several months ago
a seemingly, sweet, single Gentleman;
showed interest!
In the course of our conversation
he mentioned disliking Disney world!
such a simple statement..
do you know where my mind went?
I imagined my annual trip
with my kids-
being in jeopardy
if a man I was involved with
did not want it to happen!
and that did it..
the walls came up!

Over the last 2 years,
there have certainly been
some that have shown interest...
I have met many VERY nice men
and walked away
after minutes in their presence-
or short conversations,
they were too short-
or too macho-
or too nice-
or too available-
or too busy-
or too serious-
or too light hearted-
or too......

how is that real?
how is that not based on a need
to keep everyone out?
so far its working!!
and in truth,
I am not unhappy!!

As I reflect on the 'Disney' issue-
I see a greater problem!
I see that I still believe
that the person in my life
has power over me!
WHY would I not just continue
my trip with the kids,
with or without the man in my life?
Why do I not assume HE might compromise!
Why does a mans opinion seem to threaten mine?

The walls are here-
they are my protection,
but I have not yet found their key!
I do not know how to tear them down,
or how to have faith that I can be
stronger then my walls!

Some things are non-compromising!
My faith-
I am sold out to Jesus Christ!
He is my first love!
I want to share that with some one!
My kids-
they are part of the package..
My mini-zoo
(this certainly narrows the playing field!)
A man who is a gentleman!
who opens doors,
who carries heavy things,
who respects me enough
to watch his language
and who would expect others around me
to do the same!
(Yes- I am hopelessly old fashioned!)
A man who sees me as a partner not property!
(this speaks for itself!)

But, is there anything else??
Is the rest just an effort to hide-
or is it based in truth?

Ready is no longer a state of my heart and being!
For me it will eventually
become a choice!
The longer I am alone-
the easier it is for me
to stay 'unready'
to hide behind my walls..
and even build more!

Not sure this is a bad thing-
but at least
let me build walls
based in truth-
not fear!
at least let me trust myself
more then I trust my walls...
at least let this TOO
be a growing experience,
and let me become stronger for the fear...


  1. I understand your walls, you've been through a lot. But sometimes a person doesn't like a place because they haven't been there with the right person....

  2. Once again, you have hit the nail on the head... I feel like you are my soul sister! Except that my walls are up from the very beginning so that I'm not even having "nice" men approach, because I am apparently so unapproachable!

  3. It sounds that you ae in a "good place". Shy compromise? Thanks for you visit, you are my kind of gal.

  4. I can certainly identify with your walls. I haven't been seeking out dates yet...too soon. But I have had someone show an interest. You've heard of my karaoke friend. He is a VERY nice guy! I've met many of his friends and his brother...all who adore him. He's a Christian. He's in love with my daughter, they've met ONCE at karaoke night. He is more kind to me than my X EVER was. Some of MY friends have met him and wondered why I don't give him a chance.

    For one, I expect I'm just not ready. But I also have my walls up. There are certain things that bother me about him. Don't get me wrong, he's a great friend...really. But he's not marriage material, for me. Do I have these same walls up? Am I being too picky? I don't think so.

    We've been hurt deeply by men! Why should we sacrifice anything! For instance, what kind of person doesn't like Disney??? I have to agree with you. That's just not going to be my kind of guy, either. God is going to bring that perfect man for you. In my opinion, you're doing the right thing. I guess you have to have an A list and a B list. The B list is what you might be willing to compromise on. We all must compromise on somethings. But a guy who doesn't like Disney can't possibly be very child-friendly, in my opinion.

  5. Jess- While I SOOOO agree with be fair to this man his reason?? He does have kids and prefers 'less commercialized' vacations...Old towns in America, ect! that's quite charming! I think its more my fear of loosing what I like, versus really disagreeing with what he likes, you know?

  6. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like Disney! (I'm with him - I prefer to go to, and take my kids to, less commercial places.) However, where you like to vacation isn't a measure of character but of preference and I sure wouldn't not date someone just because he wanted to go to Disney with his kids. For one thing, it's good for you to be able to have some time that is only you and your children even if you are in a serious relationship. I've thought a LOT about this topic having been back in the dating world for a few years. I don't think you have to find a person who has an identical lists of likes and dislikes. You have to find someone you can compromise with and who aligns with you on the big deal-breaker issues. The rest just makes things interesting and maybe you can both grow in the process.

  7. I really love reading your blog because I can so see myself in what you write. And, sometimes I feel like the ONLY single mom. I know of other single moms but they are far more concerned about "dating" and doing their own thing than their children. I have been single for a very long time and find it hard to "date" because of those walls and to be honest I just dont see myself sharing my life and my children with anyone. My life if full and happy "as is". My children are my joy and I choose to be a single parent at this point (which is wonderful to say considering I didnt have a choice in the beginning..)
    Chin up!!

  8. The great thing about being a single mom (or any single woman) is that you get to choose. It's your decision who you bring into your life and ultimately your kids.

    I had those walls too, still do actually. But I think that's normal when you have children. Nothing is as powerful as being a mother and the instinct to protect.

    When my kids were little I looked at every potential date as marriage material. And noone measured up. I was sooo afraid of sharing my kids with anyone who wasn't "perfect" for them. And you know what? Now, as grown men, they say they didn't miss out on anything. They say they had a full, happy childhood...which is what I wanted all along. They say that I was the best mom and they know that I always put them first. Success.

    My life is so much like yours 20 years ago. I put myself though school while raising 3 kids on my own. And you know what? It was hard, but I loved every single moment of it.

    And really? Who doesn't love the happiest place on earth?

    I sort of went off point..sorry. My point is you get to choose. If a guy walks into your life wearing a green shirt and you like purple, well, you get to decide whether to date him or not. But never, never, sacrifice who you are or compromise on your morals,which I have a feeling is not a problem for you.

    You're doing a great job and if you don't believe so, just ask your kids in 20 years. :)

  9. Such encouraging comments! Thank you!! I always grow from the comments left on my blog!!!!

  10. I know walls, that is for sure. But I think that when the person comes along that you are meant to be with, you will let some of those walls down. You have grown and it will help you next time.