randomly me..

So I have thought about my blog..
is it too personal?
should I make it private?
should I share less..?
and then I realized,
no! NOT yet!
for me there is something so healing
about sending my words
out into the universe...
no matter who reads them.

I need that!
for now!
and I shall accept
what may come...

and I shall share what I might
should not!:)
KNOWING that its for me...
but also for myself and others
to know we are not alone..
we face this
with the same tears
and triumphs!
Our words
measuring our progress
in the right direction!

so today I share this;
I have been heavy hearted..
feeling like love is just not for me..
or even the chance at love
not right!

and tonight I realized why?
I allow it to become SO complicated!
whether by my choice
or by my allowing others to complicate it..
either way simple has not been a part of this whole...

I cannot enter back into this 'dating' world..
because anyone who tries..
(and they do...)
either already knows me.
and has had a chance to decide
they want more...
and I do not feel the same!
or I do not know them at all..
and cannot accept a 'date'
without knowing who they are!
or a little bit of both scenarios
intertwined as one.
and before you know it..
we have shared hopes and dreams..
and have not even had coffee...
and then I run!
and I run fast..
and once I run, I do not look back!

Because here is the thing..
I am not ready for much!
I am not looking for my future..
I am not looking for my 'soul mate'..
I am not looking for someone to share my life...
in fact if I think to far ahead
I panic!
Actually I completely FREAK OUT!

All I want is to bump into someone..
look at them;
and think "hmmm...maybe?"
have them think the same..
and then hear them say "coffee?dinner? "..
and then go on a first date,
and at the end of that date
decide on a second..or not!
one step at a time!
Nothing more..nothing less....

BUT, I don't allow that!
And then its too complicated!
and then I don't want the same thing!
and then ...

So, not sure what to do about it!
BUT, at least I have figured out
what does not work...
maybe that will allow me
to try something new!:)
and that's at least a start...: