Sometimes I think I should wear
a warning label..
'objects in mirror are more fragile then they appear'.
As I have started to look at my heart
and my fears-
I see that over this past 2 years...
I have become very 'brittle'.
In contrast to who I have been
in past relationships;
giving, open, persistent, quick to forgive...
I am now;
guarded, sensitive, easily hurt...
and when hurt I run!
simple!
As I have not entered into a love relationship-
I can base this on my friendships!
When a friend hurts my feelings,
its as if there is a switch in my heart!
it shuts off!
I could easily never talk to that person again!
knowing this
is the only thing that has saved me
from doing this!
as I begin to reach out more and more..
as I try and let people in..
I want to warn them!
WATCH OUT- I RUN!
A safety valve that protects me from harm,
that was installed way too late
to protect me from damage!
and one that I fear will prevent me
from trust!
I find myself
trusting when boundaries are in place..
I have a dear, single, male friend-
who is not interested in more!
I open up to him!
I trust him!
I let him in!
He lives 3 states away.
So far he is one of the only men
I have let in like that.
and he is safe!
and even he can easily hurt me-
as can each and every person
in my life..
knowing..
and fixing..very different!
knowing
and wanting to fix..
also different!
The more I am OK alone,
the less sure I am
that taking a chance is worth it!
then again,
I wonder if all this self evaluation,
may be a good sign!
Maybe the sound
of a heart
wanting to beat again?
Only time will tell...
I have to constantly fight the urge to bolt - both in friendships and relationships. If I sense any distance at all (or just think I do) I have this immediate, "Oh, well, it was nice while it lasted" reaction and feel myself pulling away. I think it's a natural response to having been burned.
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal to guard our hearts, especially after a breakup and especially after divorce. It takes time to open up completely again. And even then, we might be choosier with who we let hin.
ReplyDeleteBeing choosy with our hearts is not a bad thing. As long as we are growing and not completely closed. You will be fine girl. The right person will get you to open your heart and take a chance.
ReplyDelete