Friday, September 24, 2010

fear..awakens..memories...

The feeling of being un-nerved
has awakened feelings
from my past-
it has also helped me to
see
my fears...my walls..
are so much
bigger then a broken heart!

There was a time
when security was elusive.
I experienced what many woman have..
and most will tell you-
is an experience
you do not easily forget-

before I left
and after I left...
I was watched-
I was followed-
I was recorded-
..there is a word for this..
but the word does not do
the feeling justice.

The feeling of knowing
someone is out there,
behind you when you are in your car-
outside your window while you are sleeping-
driving by the place you are meant to feel safe-
watching you as you go about your day-
is a feeling I have
yet to put complete words too...

It is a feeling of being hunted-
a feeling of being trapped-
a feeling of being not just vulnerable
but exposed to your very core-
a feeling beyond description.

An invasion of the very
space around you...
walking on eggshells
that shatter with every step-
every shadow, every sound;
creating a shudder in your being-

As time passes
I forget-
I put it to the back of my mind-
the 'eeriness'
the anger it aroused-
the control this person
still held-

when I am reminded
the feelings rush back
and I understand
more
my walls-
my insecurity-
my need to be free!

I do not just fear another
broken heart-
I fear meeting another
broken mind-
I fear once again
loosing my ability to walk
safe and 'un-noticed'
through this world-

I will not remain here..
I fought the
emotional bars-
I overcame the
hostaged 'state' of my mind-

I will use what I
know
to understand how it
shapes my present-
but I shall not go back,
nor shall I remain in this memory
or state of unease.

I shall push through
and once again
win the battle-
but, first I must
'face' the
war.

8 comments:

  1. wow.

    You are beyond strong!

    The things you have been through blow my mind!

    You children are so lucky to have a mom who has endured so much, and has done so brilliantly!

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  2. So scary. You are a strong woman, you were then and you are now.
    You are not alone.

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  3. I'm sorry to hear about the stalking - what a hostile, aggressive act.

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    ReplyDelete
  5. ((HUGS)) That I'm sure is a very scary feeling and I'm so sorry you went through that :(.

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    Have a wonderful weekend!

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  7. Chilling Debbie. I have not walked these shoes, nor wish too. Strength is something we do not necessarily choose, but hardship helps us to find the depths of it. I am glad that you have found some comfort and can leave your dark spaces behind you.

    ReplyDelete