Facing the fire within their eyes...

I love my daughters..
I love my son!
my son is 13!
he has normal moments of anger
and moods..
but is reasonably even keeled..

My girls are the other hand
are more like me...
passionate
and emotional...

The pre teen years are killing me..:)

And yet-
as I react to the look my daughter gives me
when I get close to her and look in her eyes..
when I invade her space-
in my frustration!
I KNOW that she is my child!
I see in her compliance
matched with strength!
She will listen,
she will obey..
but she will not be broken!!

I cannot acknowledge that;
with out understanding
that I want my daughters
to hold onto their fire!
I need them to know their worth
and feel angry
when that is threatened
NO matter who threatens it!

NOW- I need to learn
to accept
what comes across as defiance
and give them the space needed
to retain their strength,
while still expecting respect!
What a fine line...

But, as a mother
who knows what it is
to have your soul under attack,
and what it feels like
to only survive intact
because of a fire within
that refused to be doused,
I can see the fire in them
and know
that I never want
to be responsible for putting that flame out..

Now if I could just figure out
how NOT to match the fire within
them
with
the fire within
me..

Parenting...
Jumping through hoops....
ablaze with flames,
and just praying you
don't take a step
that leaves life altering scars....

No pressure in THAT!:)

Too much information?

I have lived these last
two years
as an open book...
On my blog and on Facebook!
I enjoy being open..
its who I am!

My blog is mine.
People comment!
(and I love my bloggy friends!)
BUT, its my thoughts.. my space.
facebook, however, has a mind of its own!

I have been open..
but its been just me!
my drama
my quirks...

Now, as I begin a new stage..
I have someone 'sort of'
in my life...
casual, new, slow..
but a new stage none the less;
I realize that some things
just belong to me!

So while I will blog the emotions
fears and trials
that come with actually
sort of ... in a way..
(did I mention slowly?)
entering back into the dating world..
I shall keep the rest to myself!
and enjoy having time
to sort out
what I feel,
and think..
without being overwhelmed
by the best intentions of others...

So slowly..
tentatively..
cautiously..
I step from the world
of happily alone,
into the world
of choosing
to sometimes spend
time with another.......

The next step in the journey!

broken-ness , birthdays, and better times...

Birthdays have always
been happy-
never really exotic,
sometimes surprising
and sometimes a little bit dissapointing..
but, mostly happy-

Four years ago
that all changed.
My marraige was over-
I was moving out
in 3 days..
my friends took me to dinner
and no-one cared what time
I came home-
it was over.
My heart was broken.
My life felt over.
16 birthdays with one person..
never to be again!
We signed divorce papers
a few days afterwards.
I was 33.

the next year-
I was about to be married AGAIN..
I was confused, scared and unsure.
My birthday was a disaster
as my soon to be husband
had a jealous fit
over something beyond my control.
and still I moved forward
and married him..
heavy heart and all.
I was 34.

One year later..
I knew I had made
a horrible mistake-
I knew I must get out-
I did not know how!
Things had been ugly
and volitaile...
but I did not know
how to make anyone understand..
no one could hear me..
It was like speaking under water!
Then the morning of my birthday
I was woken at 5 am..
surprised by the man,
who the day before had yelled at me
cursed at me,
told me to get out..
he took me and my kids
on a hot air balloon ride
for my birthday.
The whole time
I felt sick...
like there was lead in my chest!
I knew the price I would pay!
Nothing was free...
I also knew what he was doing,
and sure enough
no sooner had we walked in the door
and he had emailed my family
pictures..
to paint himself as a great guy..
to further isolate me
from anyone who could help me!
I was 35-

Another year passed-
I was now free!
and yet, still feeling alone,
I was still hurting and fearful-
I was finding my footing-
one slow step at a time.
I spent my birthday
quietly
with my kids..
my heart still heavy!
I was 36.

And now..
on this birthday eve.
for the first time
in years-
I am happy!
I am content!
I am at peace!
My day shall hold
all my favorite things..
my children,
my parents,
my sisters,
my friends
and time by myself.

Time as a mom.
Time as a daughter.
Time as a sister.
Time as a friend.
Time as a woman.

A day to celebate the many roles
I juggle...
the many paths I have walked..
the many hurts that have made me cry..
and the many memories that have made me smile.

A day to celebrate
being exactly where I want to be.
Tomorrow...
I shall be 37.