Friday, October 1, 2010

broken-ness , birthdays, and better times...

Birthdays have always
been happy-
never really exotic,
sometimes surprising
and sometimes a little bit dissapointing..
but, mostly happy-

Four years ago
that all changed.
My marraige was over-
I was moving out
in 3 days..
my friends took me to dinner
and no-one cared what time
I came home-
it was over.
My heart was broken.
My life felt over.
16 birthdays with one person..
never to be again!
We signed divorce papers
a few days afterwards.
I was 33.

the next year-
I was about to be married AGAIN..
I was confused, scared and unsure.
My birthday was a disaster
as my soon to be husband
had a jealous fit
over something beyond my control.
and still I moved forward
and married him..
heavy heart and all.
I was 34.

One year later..
I knew I had made
a horrible mistake-
I knew I must get out-
I did not know how!
Things had been ugly
and volitaile...
but I did not know
how to make anyone understand..
no one could hear me..
It was like speaking under water!
Then the morning of my birthday
I was woken at 5 am..
surprised by the man,
who the day before had yelled at me
cursed at me,
told me to get out..
he took me and my kids
on a hot air balloon ride
for my birthday.
The whole time
I felt sick...
like there was lead in my chest!
I knew the price I would pay!
Nothing was free...
I also knew what he was doing,
and sure enough
no sooner had we walked in the door
and he had emailed my family
pictures..
to paint himself as a great guy..
to further isolate me
from anyone who could help me!
I was 35-

Another year passed-
I was now free!
and yet, still feeling alone,
I was still hurting and fearful-
I was finding my footing-
one slow step at a time.
I spent my birthday
quietly
with my kids..
my heart still heavy!
I was 36.

And now..
on this birthday eve.
for the first time
in years-
I am happy!
I am content!
I am at peace!
My day shall hold
all my favorite things..
my children,
my parents,
my sisters,
my friends
and time by myself.

Time as a mom.
Time as a daughter.
Time as a sister.
Time as a friend.
Time as a woman.

A day to celebate the many roles
I juggle...
the many paths I have walked..
the many hurts that have made me cry..
and the many memories that have made me smile.

A day to celebrate
being exactly where I want to be.
Tomorrow...
I shall be 37.

7 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday tomorrow! I knew I liked you! October birthday people are awesome! (I'd say libras, but I don't believe in horoscopes). Mine is on the 6th. :) Isn't contentment an AWESOME birthday gift?!?!?

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  2. Happy birthday and celebrate the way you want to! Have fun!

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  3. I am so glad you had a "happy" birthday!!!
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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  4. I so love this! I honestly cannot tell you that after 10 years I feel "free". I did exactly what you did (divorced, and quickly found myself in a not so great relationship) and it was such a big mistake for me. I have been very single for a long time now, kinda like it.. kinda dont : )
    Kisses to you, so love your blog!
    Crystal

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  5. Happy Birthday! I'm glad you persevered and are finally able to celebrate being in a better place. I remembering sharing similar feelings when we signed all the papers just three weeks before I turned 30.

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  6. I am going to venture a guess that this was your happiest birthday in a long time. I am proud that I know you. I was indeed right all alone. You are special.

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