truth? hurt? perception?

I recieved an anonymous comment
that I chose not
to publish!
Because- well- it's my blog
and the comment was
filled with unkind names
and words..
and yet,
I am sure there is some truth
in the perception.

The basic frustration
on the part of this
'un-named person'
is this;
'I am weak in wanting protection and focusing on what
I Have not...selfish, self loathing, psychologically
unfit-not moving forward..ungrateful...unwilling
to take responsibility for my choices..Godless...undeserving...'
and the list goes on.

Why even address this?
People can be cruel..jealous..bitter..lonely..
But, to some degree
I understand!
I understand why someone
who does not know me well
or at all..
and finds my blog
would see only part
of the picture.
If you read some posts
that deal with my hurt
you might miss
the posts
that deal with my
ownership.
you might read about
my broken-ness
and never see the post
that shared about
my asking forgiveness from
my first husband..
because I know and understand
that it takes two people
to have a healthy marraige,
it often takes two people
to destroy one.
So, I understand this.

Am I stuck in the past?
no!
Do I talk about it alot?
yes!
I can say from personal
experience
that dealing with memories
and hurts
and scars
as often as they come up,
has helped me to understand them.
heal from them..
and let them go!
I needed to know
why I made the choices I did..
because yes ;
unnamed person..
I did make the choices
I made!!
But, by facing it
deeply
darkly
openly
I hope to change the choices
I make in the future.

This is my journal..
I do not ask
or force anyone else to read it..
but by writing it
I have found deep healing
and peace!

Am I selfish?
possibly!
Have I taken a forum
and used it for my own self gain?
yes!
I needed a place
to vent and open up..
I needed to share and express!
I needed
to feel whole again!!
so yes!
I will accept that!

Am I weak
for wanting
to be loved?
cherished?
protected?
does that make me ungrateful
for what I have?
does that make me a terrible
mother?
I cannot speak for anothers perception..
but, I can say
that taking 2 years alone
has been the 'strongest' thing
I have ever done!
I have learned so much
about who I am..
and what I want!
But, I have also learned
contentment
in what I have!

In this forum
I speak my dreams
and wishes
hurts and regrets!
But, this is not my life!
This is not a reflection
of the moments I live!

This is a mirror
into
the deepest recess
of my mind.
my nightmares..
my fears..
and my fantasies
about the future
written on paper!

Do I hope for all I express..
I do!
Am I ok
to be alone,
I really am!
I look forward to being cherished..
but, I am content
when in solitude-
I look towards a future
with another
but, I am not scared
of a future without.

This blog has been
an amazing journey!
and not one that I believe has ended
completely.
But, I do believe
the course has changed!

I hope that through my past
others may see they are not alone,
I hope that through my present
some might believe
they too can be content in solitude,
and now as I face the future..
it is less 'single' then before,
and uncertain and exciting...
but, it is different!
It is new...
a fresh start!

I face it whole..
and I face it with strength.

I am not sure what that means
for a blog
that focuses
on the rawness
of a broken life...
and so
I may just visit once in a while..
or I may find
there is more still to say
then I thought!

Regardless..
I regret not a word
or moment...
and hope
that those who needed
to read my words
saw beyond them to my heart.
and I know deeply,
that if no-one
had ever read
a word I wrote
the healing recieved within me
has been the greatest benefit..
selfish or not!

its truth in word..
healing through expression..
hope through progress..
Wholeness through understanding..
and that is ENOUGH!