slow rush or fast crawl.....

For 2 years
I was alone.
by choice.
I learned to enjoy
being by myself.
I became
confident
in who I am,
I figured out
my likes
and my dislikes...

For at least the last
year..
many have encouraged me
to just get out there.
Take a chance,
go on a date...
risk my heart!

Now,
that I have done that
The phrase I hear the most
is; 'be careful and take it slow'.

I get this..
anyone
who knows me
watched me give over my
complete identity
in my first marraige;
as I tried
to be the prefect wife and mother..
as if some formula
would make it
all OK...
They watched
my heart get broken,
and they watched me run
into the arms
of destruction.
They had to stand back
as I fell apart..
They had to watch
as I was pulled to pieces
one cell at a time...
They do not want to see
me hurt!
Neither do I!

But, I sometimes
think
I waited THIS
long to 'date'
for this VERY reason!!

I knew
that others would need
to caution me..
I let others in,
its who I am.
But, I also hate to let
others down..
and so,
a cycle begins
in which I avoid
rather then stand up for me..

And heres the story on that...
I am human,
I can fall..
I can fail..
and I might!
But, I have also learned
some VERY strong lessons!!
I have no desire to repeat my past!
I do not need some one to provide
for me...
or fix my life!
I am not looking for
someone to make my life better
nor shall I compromise
and ignore red flags
for fear of being alone!!

I choose to have
someone in my life
that enhances the contentment
I already have..
that adds to my life
in all good ways..
Someone that knows
what a partnership is..
Someone that sees me
as I am..
and wants me anyway!
someone...
that might one day choose
to guard my heart.

Taking it slow..
for me
is all about the future...
its all about my kids
and knowing
I do not want to
chance
or risk
their instability again!
I do not plan to do that.
Taking it slow...
is in the honesty
and in the communication..
It's not playing games.
It's owning
where I can compromise
and where I will not.
for me,
it is also knowing
that only time,
and lots of it..
will provide
security and stability
in my soul...
some things are no longer
mine to give freely..
and can only be 'gifted'
as part of a very
long process...

But, in the here and now
it is what it is...
and all I want,
in this moment
is to take the joy
and hopes
and minutes
as they come...
and to fall
without a net if I choose..
or grab my life jacket if I want too...

I choose to take
my lessons,
and take the years I
have lived upon this earth..
and move forward
as a strong, independent
and capable woman..
who will take life
as it comes,
and make the choices
that are right
for me..
and for my family!

and in the process..
I will be deeply
grateful
that I am loved,
and watched over,
by many...
a blessing
I never quckly forget!