Beautiful connections!

It has taken me being without a man in my life,

to understand how pure and special

the love between friends is.

The woman in my life now

are there for me..

and love me.

it is quiet and it is strong.

and I have come to know

that these connections are a part of me..

a part that makes me stronger!

But, I have not always known that!

When I was married

my deep desire was for a strong connection

with the man I loved.

I believed if he loved me and was my 'friend'

that was all I needed.

Of course, this was not the role

he wanted in my life..

but I kept seeking it!
and I turned away,

or kept at arms length

my friends.

I loved them and needed them.

I loved to be with them.

but, it was in its own space,

I did not understand the deep need

that friendships,

deep friendship

can fill.

It has taken me

really understanding

the friendships

I have..

to yearn and long for

the friendships I have lost!

I wish I knew then

what I know now..

But, those 'wishes'

only make me appreciate

the moments I have now...

the friendships I have now..

and the memories that were.

One of the many lessons

In this journey..

Has been learning

How to be a friend!
and how to accept

And let down the walls

With the friends I have!

A lesson that now learned,

I plan on never having to learn

Again!

Darn pity party...

I seem to be having one at the moment..
as my blog conveys
I tend to live in a pretty happy world.
Life is HARD!
Life has HURT!
BUT, I am content with where I ended up
and probably more importantly,
who I ended up
through all this!

But, once in a while...
I still hurt!
There are several things hurting my heart.
all will probably require different posts!

The first is a little bit of loneliness.
Normal..but yuck!
The second is a friendship
I lost a while ago
that is at the surface right now;
In addition my oldest
is at camp for 8 days
and I miss him.

and the last...

My ex husband is having a family reunion
this weekend.
Every 2 years for many , many years
this was a part of our summer!
My kids went this year.
I still keep in touch with several
of my now 'out' laws...
and I guess the reality
of what divorce is,
is hitting me a bit!

Its a divorce from more then one person.
It cuts you off from people and events
that have been part of your life!

In addition..
This year would be the year
I would be comfortable being there..
and the first family event
he did not invite me too!

I get this,
his relationship is serious
and as much as we all get along;
I can see where that might not be comfortable
for her..or even him!

BUT, its just hit this tiny little nerve
that is still open and raw in my heart!
as all things this shall pass!
as all hurts it will go away!
and as all trials,
2 years from now
this event will not hurt as much
as it does this year!

The power of healing..
each steps takes you one step away from the rawness
and one step closer to being whole!

this again...

over 19 months (but whose counting)
without NOT only a relationship..
but even a date..
sometimes
gets me thinking..

now in fairness,
I am not sure I would have wanted
it differently!
I tend to run
whenever the subject comes up.

But, in truth
now I am not opposed to the idea
but I am wondering
how realistic the opportunity
will even be.

See here is the thing;
not only am I a mother...
and a pet owner/ animal lover..
and earthy vegetarian...
three things that some could live with out;
but I also have a strong faith!
and my faith dictates my lifestyle..
that means, by my OWN personal choice;
I don't drink-
or have s*x,
I am conservative
in who I am,
and how I live.
This is me!
not someone else's life
just mine..

but suddenly
I have come to see..
that even those
who believe like I do
do not always want to live like I do
and therefore
I am not their cup of tea.

well sheesh..
so if the 'bad boys' are out...:)
now, the 'good boys'
are taking them selves out of the running too??
lol!

Thankfully life is good
and I am happy with my garden,
and cats..
and dogs...
and green beans:)
oh..and of course, those kids of mine!

no worries..
no rush..
just questions!
When all is said and done
life would be quite boring
if we lived with out wondering
and looking at who we are,
and why we choose what we do.

I certainly ponder
but its not in sadness
or worry..
rather in curiosity
and even excitement!

As ultimately,
I understand that what shall be
can only be better then what was!