When does this get easier

so..
in a new place!
figured it would be simple!
girl meets boy!
they like each other!
they date!
simple!

Only its not!

Why?
because nothing to me
anymore
is simple!

Things are good..
nice, sweet!

and yet
my heart is
fearful and jaded!
If I get too close..
I run!
If we see each other too much
I pull away..
if the future is mentioned...
I freak!~

I have spoken to other
woman..
who were hurt
like me!
They deal with the same thing!
all in different degrees!
Some run too far away,
some run too fast towards...
some are always on edge,
and some just never seem
to be OK alone!
but we all
deal
with the hurts
in some form!

for me...
I have to find that place
that allows me
to move forward
at a pace
that does not disrupt
the precious
balance in my life!
While still preserving
the goodness
in the relationship!

Because it is good...
for now,
for this moment..
the fears are not
based on what is!
the fears are based
on what might be!

The running is not from
a person..
but an idea..!

and the reality is;
I cannot change it!

Instead I must
slowly grow into
this new state of being!

On my terms,
in my time...

I just hope
that one day..
it will not feel
so hard
to let go
and just simply
feel!

how did I miss that...??

Seems that 2 days ago
a HUGE day passed..
and I missed it!
a day I have waited for..
a date I have noticed EVERY
single month
for almost 2 years...

The 2nd anniversary
of the day
I left my hell
and began my forever!

Every month
the date made an impression!
It brought me closer
to being completely free...


I waited so long to date
that the 2 year mark took on
significance
as it seemed I might watch it pass
before
dating someone.
It did not work out that way!

But, still
2 years!
a significant date!
How did I miss it?

I missed it because
it no longer matters!
I am free!!!
It was not the date
that made me free...
it was the fact
that I forgot!!

The date no longer holds
the
power, it once did!

I missed it!
and I am so thankful I did!

so that reminds me....

Now that I am not
as single as I was..
Its hard, in moments,
to remember
why I chose to be alone
for as long as I did!

And then I am
reminded!

I did not choose to be
alone
because I do not like
company!
I do!
In fact,
sharing time with another
is wonderful!

I chose to be alone
to not need that....
however!!

The 'other' in my life
is away for a little while!
And...
I have NOT fallen apart!
My life continues
as normal!
Some of this is by design!
We schedule our time
around our kids
so , often, see each other
in stolen moments...
Some of this
is because
I am just OK
alone...

Last night
I happened to be
in a new part of town..
saw a little restaurant
that looked good!
Went in
alone..
and ate!
No book,
no magazine..
nothing to distract
me
from the fact
that I was eating
without someone else
at the table
beside me!

And I remembered...

THIS is why
I did that!
I chose to be alone
so that I can easily
be by myself,
whether I choose to
or not!
I chose to be alone
to begin to overcome
my dependence
on another!

When I am with
someone
I am happy...
and content!
I am glad to share my life
and my heart!
But,
when I am
not with that person
I am OK too..

and for me-
that makes the years
of loneliness
worthwhile-
and the moments
spent
'not alone' now....
that much more
sweet!