Do you ever forget?

Today is memorial day!
A day of remembering...

For me,
this date also brings
other memories to mind.

19 years ago
I married the love of my life...
believing in happily ever after.
Knowing I never wanted more...

5 years ago
on this exact date...
it began to unravel.

So, today..
the day we would have celebrated
19 years
leaves me feeling...
well...
OK!

I remember,
I will always remember!
I know what I have lost
and I know what I have gained!
I accept where we are,
and truly believe that it is
where we are meant to be!

There was a time in my life
that the length of my marriage
brought me great satisfaction!
It was also a time in my life
that the 'roles' in my life
held my identity!

Now, my contentment is not in my role
or in my status...
instead it is in the simple way
I face and overcome each day.

Do I wish that I could have that
19 year celebration?
I wish...
that life had been all I had hoped..
and all my children desired!
It was not!
So I grieved the hurt
and accepted the now.

and today..
instead of dwelling on the loss
I shall dwell on the outcome!
The 3 amazing children we share,
and the way we have come to parent
together ;
and work as a separate , but unified, couple
as much as possible.

I shall celebrate
that 19 years ago
I married a man
who stole my heart..
provided for our family..
allowed me to stay home with
our kids..
and
who will always be
the father of my children!
I shall celebrate the relationship
we have forged through the brokenness
and the lessons we learned in the process.

I shall celebrate
that it no longer hurts
like it did..
that I no longer
need to forget!

remarkably resiliant!

This week was the awards ceremony
in school!
Each of my children received multiple
academic awards.
My middle child
received girl student of the year
and the leadership award for her grade!
My oldest received the highest GPA
in a class 2 grade levels above his,
My youngest received 2 highest reading awards..
All of them received honor roll awards
and the presidential academic achievement award...
In addition to highest GPA in certain subjects!

I was very proud!

However,
my pride runs deeper
than the academics!
My pride is in the depth
of the resilience!

5 years ago,
their worlds FELL apart!
Their father and I begun
the process
of falling apart ourselves!
All they knew changed!

Then I remarried..
and they experienced
the volatility of a marriage gone wrong!

In all this they also
attended school
for the first time,
having been home schooled.
They came home for a year
when I remarried..
but the environment
was not one of peace...
and I put the girls back in school!

And than I left!
and one Friday they were in school..
and Monday in a different one.
Once again..
the bottom fell out of their world.
That was just 2 1/2 years ago!
My then 7th grader started school
for the first time!
It was hard for him...
kids are cruel.
But they did well
despite it all!!!

And than
they got to move to a private
christian school.
Another move!
a good one..
but still, moving again!
That was one year ago!
That is where they are now!
and they are thriving!

And I look at all the change!
All they have faced..
and all I can do
is feel pride!!
I feel pride that they
can face a new day
and know that they are stronger
than the hurt!
I feel pride
that they can make friends
and flourish
rather than dwell on what was!

I still hurt for their hurts!
The friends they have left
behind..
the homes they have said
good bye too..
the families they hoped for
that never came to be...

But, I know
that they are healing!
and I watch them
give their all..
and my pride
flows through my heart
and into the core
of my soul..
the place my love for my children
resides!

Parenting Single Style...

parenting is HARD work!

Married..
single..
or in between!

I have been surprised
at the amount
of energy it takes to
parent
a teenager
and 2 preteens.

I have always been
a hands on mom..
I have always been with my kids..
so, why would it NOW seem hard?

Certainly
some part of it..
is that on my 'shift'
with the kids,
I am in alone.
no different than when
my ex has them..
he is the sole parent
in the home.
That takes a tole.

But, bigger
is just the age and the stage!

And even bigger than that,
is the fact
that my middle schooler
still needs me to help
keep him on track!
He is a bright student and in honors
classes...
he is also a 14 year old boy
who would forget to shower
if not reminded.
My girls..
are still at ages
that they need me checking
their homework,
testing them on their spelling,
and helping with reports!!
This alone..
times 3
is time consuming!!
Add in the desire
to just enjoy my kids..
a full time job..
college ..
and a house to maintain;
and I can see quite clearly
why it feels hard in moments!!

I also watch them grow
and know it shall pass...
and way too quickly!!!!

So, its tough at times!
But, I will miss this stage
of parenting one day!

So for now
I enjoy it in many moments..
I cry in some moments...
and I grit my teeth in rare moments...
knowing I can do this!
and I would not want to do
anything else....

bloggers block???

I have been blogging so sporadically...
I guess that is probably
because life
is chugging along..

nothing new
or old...

I am still working
and have a contract for next year!
good news.

I am still in college..
and the first stepping stone is about 1 year
away...

The kids are doing really well..
good grades,
behavior,
adjustment....
They like their school
and have scholarships
for next year!
all good...

My home is in order...
not sure how that happens-
its just seems I am
a better wife
divorced!
ha!

My pets are happy and healthy!

Life is not perfect..
the car has an oil leak..
the childrens medical benefits
are messed up..
my kids have sibling squabbles..
I am busy,
and sometimes I run on empty!

Life is NOT perfect,
but life is good..
and full
and purpose driven.

At this moment
I could not ask for more!

Comment help..please!

Recently comments disappeared
off of my post!
As far as I know
you cannot delete a comment once
it is published..
but these, including one from me...
just went!
and when I went through my email
and tried to republish them
it said the comments
did not exist...
any one know what happened?
will they just randomly reappear?
very odd...
Would not be so bad if they all disagreed with me..
ha ha..
but most were positive
and yet all are gone..!!
maybe change my password?
or blogger!
or me??
thank you!

is it really complicated??

I was asked recently
why my blog is called what its called..
what do I mean
by 'complicated world'?..
To be honest I think that
speaks for itself..
but maybe not!
So here it goes:

I am a mother!
I have 3 children.
one is a teenager
and 2 are preteen girls..
we all share a bathroom :-)..
complicated?
a tad!

I am a single mother!
I want to set a good example
for my kids,
I want to keep them safe!
I want to avoid exposing
them to hurt!
complicated?
yup!

I am a woman!
I work full time!
I go to college half time!
I care for my home..
and kids..
and pets..!
I juggles several full time
responsibilities,
and try to do it with grace!
complicated?
you betcha!

I am a single woman.
I might want to date one day!
I might even want to spend
my life with someone.
I do not know what that looks like,
I have no idea
where to start!
I am content alone!
I might one day like company!
I enjoy my life!
I might, at some point, want to share it!
Complicated?
beyond description!

I find life full
and happy...
I am content and at peace!
I am also very busy,
and have many roles to fill.
I am helping to raise and mold
3 people..
I am working to better my education..
and I am striving to be the best
preschool teacher possible.
Trying to be a good person,
a stronger woman,
a better mom,
and an outstanding employee...
complicated??
yes, in moments!!
worth it??
always!!

Making Mothers day Matter....

Mothers day
is another holiday..
that can leave a single mom..
feeling,
well..
single!

however,
I have learned
over the last several years..
to plan my day
and spend it my way!

I shared the weekend
with my son,
who turned 14 on Saturday!
2 great reasons
to go away for the weekend.

My ex took the kids shopping
with a list from me..:)
(my money, my choices..lol)
and I took my son
to a store to pick out a Pandora charm
to add to my bracelet!
again- I paid, he picked;
and I saw his choice Sunday morning!

I took us to breakfast..
I got take out for dinner..
and admittedly
I cleaned a lot in the middle.
(home from a trip = laundry)
but, the weekend was spent with my kids..
and I did not feel sad,
or at a loss...
I did not wish someone
was there
to pamper me..
instead
I enjoyed what I have,
and what I can provide!
I enjoyed my kids..
even in the moments
when mopping floors
made me cranky!

Its just a day..
unless YOU make it something special..
and so I did..!

all wrapped up in 7 days...

What a week...
first,
I faced a slice of my past..
in a way
that while not fun,
left me sure
that the present
is better
because of letting go
of what was..
or was not!

Then,
I finished my second semester
back at college,
and earned my second A and first B..
grades good enough,
to get me off of an
'academic probation'
that was was in place
from 20 years ago!
I start my summer session
'in good standing'
next week..

Now,
I am away with my kids..
on a mini trip
that has been many months
in the making..
a hotel for a few nights
and Disney tomorrow,
to celebrate
my sons 14th birthday!
Life happens fast-
and I love the times
that I can slow it down
long enough
to watch it happen...
that is what this weekend
is all about!

Lots of good..
one week...
a lifetime of learning!