WOW...alot to say..

2 weeks is probably
the longest I have gone
without blogging...

and these last 2 weeks
have held a lot!

The last time I blogged
I had been feeling alone,
and frustrated with dating.

Then I quit dating-
let it go..
decided that I wanted
to meet someone local..
and wanted to wait
until it was right..

and then....
I met someone!

Who knows where it will go.
but, when I stopped waiting
and wondering-
something good happened.

and like every step
in this journey..
each step
has taught me lessons
and helped me grow!

so...
regardless of the outcome..
so far so good!!

and so it goes..and so it goes...

Dating...
ugh!
not dating..
ugh!
Just waiting...
not so ugh!

I am 'actively' dating...
or considering dates when asked:)..
which is quite huge!:)

but
I know
that I will reach a place
so soon
of just sitting back..
and waiting!
because really...
I do not want to
rush into a relationship...
why do I feel the need
to rush the process
of meeting someone?

I guess
its the cliche..
the being alone..
the feeling like life is passing
and I am running out of time!

so...
dating for this moment...
(admittedly dating is
a strong word for it:)!)

but, waiting...
is JUST around the corner..
I can feel it...
I can hear its breathe...
that place of just being willing
to 'be'..
seems to be finding me again...

The many layers......

I keep thinking
that I might reach the end
of the lessons..
get to that 'single' place
that is defined.

And yet..
it does not happen.
I keep learning more...
growing...
regressing..
progressing...

When I first found myself single,
my whole world
changed.
I knew than
that I did not know who I was...
I knew what I was;
a wife, and a mother.
but what about
when those roles shifted?
what then!?

I set out to find out
what I liked
and did not...
who I was alone..
and in a crowd.
I learned how to 'be'
and how to cry..
and bigger I learned
how to heal.

but somehow,
I shifted some of that identity
into being a 'single mom'
with young kids.
The business
of doing so much alone,
the struggle of providing
and getting an education.
The role once again began to define me.

Now, as my kids get older;
and still need me..
but differently!
as they begin to find their identity..
I am wondering
if I still have mine?

A new type of identity crisis...
a new exciting,
while daunting place to be.
Single..
a mom..
a Single mom..
single..
a Woman..
a Single Woman.

all roles-
but all different!
Now..
I get to focus a bit more
on the individual aspects
of who I am..
and learn how to be Single..
while still a Mom..
since I think I am now
quite comfortable in the role
of 'single mom'..:)

a life reclaimed...

so..
I have been down!
so many different things...
kids getting older..
a bit of an identity crisis..
pressure in life..
ect..ect...ect!!

And than tonight
talking to a friend..
I changed tracks!

Life may feel
a little tough-
but my life is so good.

I have so much
to be thankful for!!

I have children who are growing!
They are going through normal stages
in life...
they have their moments of good
and their moments of not so good.
but, they are good kids-
happy kids!
they have rooms of their own..
and cool beds!
they have 2 parents who love them
and grandparents who adore them!
They are liked by their teachers
and friends!
They have good lives!
They are blessed!
They have full bellies...
and clean clothes!
My children have so much!
I am so thankful!

I have support in my parents!
This is huge!
My parents are 2 of my closest friends...
I can talk to them about my problems-
I can spend time with them
when I am lonely...
I can call them in a fix.
I am not alone!

I am close to my sister..
I have wonderful girlfriends.
enough said!!

I love my job..
love my job!
I LOVE my job!!!!

I have a roof over my head!
a home
that is cute..
and cozy..
and safe!

I have a temperamental car...
but its a car!
It drives!
well!

I have a closet with clothes in..
and I have shoes..
cute and functional!
I have a pantry
that has food in it...
I am not wanting...

There is so much in my life
that brings me joy.
There are sometimes
aspects of my life
that cause me hurt!

But, when I take the moment
to look at what I have..
compared to what I do not..
the hurt lessens
and the gratitude
grows..
and grows..!

I have something to admit...

I am a little over it...
a little depressed..
a lot restless..
and slightly aggravated at the pressure
of everyone else's opinion.

It is what it is..
but sometimes
what it is
can become more pressure
than what it is not!!

As I try and figure out
where the feelings are coming from-
I believe that the core
is the utter and complete responsibility
always on my shoulders..
maybe a little like a man,
who hits mid life and buys a sports car..
just for a release from the pressure.

As I spoke to a friend about balance
last night..
I looked at my life
and it is so weighted towards
'the heavy'..
paying the bills,
working to provide,
getting a better education
to provide more..
raising kids (of course)...

All aspects I take seriously-

The time that is left also
holds 'responsibility'..
cooking meals, cleaning my home, doing laundry;
all things that must happen.

then there are the parenting aspects-
taking my kids to and from games,
running them to the library,
and other activities..
The good stuff is not pressure..
the movie nights and chats.
The moments we all share life!
Those are the windows in time
that fuel the rest.
But, much of parenting
is doing the right thing!
Overseeing the homework..
holding them responsible for choices..
Being a Mom-
when being a friend is more appealing!

The theory that this should be 'it'...
..my main focus-my only focus...
makes me feel like I am under water!
I love my life...
I love my kids..
I love my job...
I sometimes want to just enjoy!

The restlessness I am feeling
is a life weighted
in the direction of what must be done..
a restlessness so many feel!

The solution lies
in a positive remedy!
Not sure yet
what that will be...
self destructive choices are not an option-
I am a mom always..
whether with my kids or not!
but, something..
something that will hold my mind
captive for moments..
something that for a moment
will let me feel
like a young woman,
with a full life ahead..
rather than a woman,
who carries so much alone-
with what feels like a lifetime
of lessons
already lived.

It is just where I am now...
it is not where I will be for long.
recognizing where the feelings come from
and looking for an answer..
is what defines a life resigned
from a life reclaimed!

busier then busy....

ironically
I took the semester off
of college..
for some breathing room!
I have a new position
at work
and it is more intense..
I took the time to focus.

And yet..
with less on my plate
I am busier than ever before.
My job is certainly busier..
but its more than that!
My daughter is on the volley ball team
for the first time.
so there are games and practices..
I have also started going
back to the gym!
My days start early
and end late...

but its more..
I am taking time for me!
sometimes just to walk..
sometimes to meet friends..
sometimes with the kids-
sometimes with out!

Often people who love me
tell me to slow down..
but here is the thing..
until when??
This is my life!
If all I do is try and survive it
and keep my head above water..
thats all I will ever do!
Because
my work is here to stay!
My kids are getting older...
and more complicated!
My degree will need to be finished..
my home will always need to be cleaned..
this is my life!
So,
in my mind-
now is the time to live!
I am in my 30's..
young and vibrant!
WHAT should I be waiting for??

Life is about balance...
and certainly
there are moments of nothing..
and moments of quiet...
and moments of fun..
and moments of solitude!

But,
moments of waiting???
for what??!!!!

I still have those moments...

I have been divorced
from my children's dad
for almost 5 years...

Our relationship
has changed
and evolved.
I would say,
it is about the best it can be
considering...

I no longer am 'in love with him'..
I no longer wish him back.
I have truly moved on-
as has he.

But, I still have those 'moments'...
moments when I wish
that I was not alone..
that I still shared life
with another!
Moments when I miss the 'wholeness'
of what has since broken.

Tonight that moment came
during a family game.
Last night I was out with a friend
and saw a family
(parents and kids)
playing cards at the restaurant!
it made an impression.
Tonight as I played with my kids..
and my 14 year old was 'bored'..
and my youngest was being 'cute'..
and my middle 'funny'..
I felt like something was missing!

I miss having that person...
that person
who can roll their eyes WITH me
at the moody teenager..
or smile at me
over the silly jokes...
or continue playing cards with me
when the kids go to bed.

This person no longer has a specific face
or a name..
or even a real existence.
this person is an ideal..
an echo in my heart..

Sometimes I feel a little
cheated..

Parenting solo..
trying so hard to create the memories...
and the moments.
when deep down
I actually would be OK
sharing them,
not owning them all!

This 'moment' that happens...
has changed over time-
its not raw-
its no longer about a person-
its no longer a broken heart
or a lost love.

Just an idea
an illusion...
a fantasy...
of what sharing life
with another
might have been!

WELL! that makes sense...

for many years
I did not date..
and I was content!

and then I dated a bit..
and have found myself restless!

Not in a hurry...

I understand the risks
and know the benefit
of a healthy foundation.
I also believe that children
change the time line..
and dynamics!
and should be carefully considered!
Rushing is not an option!

And yet..
I do look forward to that time
in my life
when a 'relationship' is defined...

However, the past 3 months
I have actually begun
to almost 'fret'..
I have found alone time
not as freeing!
I have wanted company
rather than solitude..
I have hoped for companionship
and avoided loneliness..

And I have wondered why?
what has changed!?
Why was I so content!
and now not as much!

and today-
I realized;

my season of life has changed!!
My children are all getting older!
I am a part of their lives..
but no longer the center!
They need me, of course..
but differently!!
They are content to be with friends..
or in their rooms..
as much as with me!
I am no longer their main focus..
and their activity director.
My son and middle daughter are BOTH
old enough to babysit....
life has changed!

I can go to the grocery store
without 3 children in tow..
I can run errands or even meet a friend-
and this is good.

and yet-
this has left a void.
I used to be so 'full'
with children's activities and needs..
now I am still busy..
and there are still ball games..
and sleep overs,
and chatting..
they do still need me-
but its different!
so different!

I have lost myself a little...
I looked to fill the void-
and assumed maybe another would be key!
someone to fill the alone time;
I tend to have.

And sure-
that will be nice!
but, that is not the goal!

the goal is to re-find my center..
and my contentment,
within my new season!
This will happen over and over
as my children grow..
4 years from now
my son leaves for college...
8 years from now
my youngest will do the same..
and there will be many
milestones along the way!
many times
I will loose my footing..
and many times I will
need to re-find me!!

NOT 'in' another..
maybe 'with' another;
maybe not!
regardless-
somewhere in me is the key!!

for now-
I am thinking
salsa lessons
might do the trick!!:)