I have been divorced
from my children's dad
for almost 5 years...
Our relationship
has changed
and evolved.
I would say,
it is about the best it can be
considering...
I no longer am 'in love with him'..
I no longer wish him back.
I have truly moved on-
as has he.
But, I still have those 'moments'...
moments when I wish
that I was not alone..
that I still shared life
with another!
Moments when I miss the 'wholeness'
of what has since broken.
Tonight that moment came
during a family game.
Last night I was out with a friend
and saw a family
(parents and kids)
playing cards at the restaurant!
it made an impression.
Tonight as I played with my kids..
and my 14 year old was 'bored'..
and my youngest was being 'cute'..
and my middle 'funny'..
I felt like something was missing!
I miss having that person...
that person
who can roll their eyes WITH me
at the moody teenager..
or smile at me
over the silly jokes...
or continue playing cards with me
when the kids go to bed.
This person no longer has a specific face
or a name..
or even a real existence.
this person is an ideal..
an echo in my heart..
Sometimes I feel a little
cheated..
Parenting solo..
trying so hard to create the memories...
and the moments.
when deep down
I actually would be OK
sharing them,
not owning them all!
This 'moment' that happens...
has changed over time-
its not raw-
its no longer about a person-
its no longer a broken heart
or a lost love.
Just an idea
an illusion...
a fantasy...
of what sharing life
with another
might have been!
i had a taste of knowing what it was like to share those moments with someone. for 2 months. it was perfect. then distance came between us. but just getting that taste makes me want it so much more! before that, it was just my son and i. i didn't know what i was missing out on. a "partner in crime". it makes me sad. to know what it COULD be like. i struggle with that. but.. oh well. i've been single since the day i found out i was pregnant. i've been doing it this long. i'm sure i can do it four more years!
ReplyDeleteThe same thing happened to me last week on holiday.
ReplyDeleteI looked at a family playing together and felt that something was missing. I also worried, just a little, that I has cheated my kids in some way.
Life can be hard sometimes when we least expect it.
Hugs!
Yes to share it with another is nice. single parenting is more than the tough times working to keep up, it is also about sharing in the happiness as you said
ReplyDeleteThis is the hardest thing! I used to avoid going out to parks or family places because I felt such guilt when my daughter looked around at kids playing with their dads. It made me so sad...it still does sometimes. Maybe someday we will form a new family but for now, we have our own unique little family.
ReplyDelete