Resolutions..Single -again- Style...

Every year I make resolutions...
One year it was to run..
Last year to knit...
This year I want to learn
how to really cook!

But, I also
look at who I am..
How am I living my life..
what are my strengths?
What are my weaknesses?

This year I look
at my kids...
I love being a mom!
I have few regrets!
There is always more
I could do..
or be!
But, all in all..
I want to continue to love..
to communicate!
I want to spend time with my kids..
while giving them their own
space to grow!
What I will change?
I want to be more willing
to let them face their own
consequences...
and not so willing to take the price
on their behalf!

My relationship with my ex...
(their dad)
amicable-
and yet?
I have held onto resentment..
I can be passive aggressive-
I share 'our' story
as if I need to defend
why, we are where we are..
and I realize-
its not always my story to tell!
And so,
This year I resolve;
to think before
I make the comment,
or share the history,
or not give him the chance
to prove me wrong!
I resolve
to let go ALL the hurt feelings
and ANY resentment
that may still be there!

My friendships...
I want to be a better friend!
I want to reach out more!
I want to remember
my friends hurts and joys!
I can be a good friend!
I love those close to me!
But, am I spreading that love..
or sharing it with with limits?
I want to figure that out...

My family...
another area
that I feel is in balance!
I love my sisters and parents
and spend time with my parents
as often as I can!!
I resolve to never take
that for granted!

My faith..
Thank you Lord
for all I have..
all I need is provided..
and in those moments
when life gets hard,
you carry me through!
I resolve
to give you more of my time!

Me....
well...
hmmm...
I guess,
I resolve to be true
to myself!
To continue
my quest
of not compromising
for love..
but, to be realistic
about what that might
look like!

And so..
as 2011 ends..
taking with it
smiles and tears..
I welcome 2012
and will make it all
that it is meant to be....

Christmas thoughts and dreams..

Christmas eve...
so many memories..
so many traditions..
so many tears...
so many smiles!

Tonight
as I shared the evening
with my children-
something that happens
only every other year..
I realized that nothing stays the same!

They are getting older..
I am getting more
content alone..
the moments
that brought me heart ache,
now pass without a thought!
The moments
that made us smile
now seem not as fun!

we are changing
and growing..
and yet-
traditions still count!
and memories are made!

And tonight..
as I face another Christmas 'single'..
I am blessed
to have my children
under my roof!
My heart complete..
my Christmas perfect!

Merry Christmas to all...

For several years
my children,
and I,
have had Family pictures done
at Christmas.

This year..
the pictures reflect
the years of healing!

While this season
has brought a new hurt
to my heart;
as I watch a friend grieve..
it has also
been the first season
that the holidays do not create
a sense of loss!
The first season
I am not missing what was...

And so,
The picture reflects
my family...
our completeness as is.
our acceptance of the past..
and our ability to embrace
our present!
The smiles are real..
the lightness genuine..
All of us,
comfortable in our own skin.
content!

A journey that took many years,
and many Christmas pictures..
to complete!

stress free holiday..or lonely christmas

I hear many
around me..
talking
of all the Christmas parties
they have to attend!
Sometime,
they speak with pressure...

I will admit,
I have one Christmas party
to attend
this season.
And to be honest-
that makes me a teensy sad.
I am pretty social..
and this is the season
to be with others;

Some how being single...
has changed the amount of things
that I do..
I am no longer in a couples Sunday school-
I no longer have my spouses work party-
I no longer have couple friends.
All the things
that tend to result in Christmas events
and activities!

And so,
this season...
I wonder...
is the one party I am attending
part of being stress free?
Or is it lonely?

The reality
is that it's a bit of both!
and a deeper reality
is that it is what it is!!
Life could be much harder!
I have a dear friend who
would gladly give up
all the parties and events
to have her son back!

So, this is not a pity party...
this is accepting
that as a single mom,
life looks different!
But, the season is still
what I make of it!

Its the moments
I make hot chocolate
and stay up later with my kids..
Its the moments
I meet girlfriends
for coffee or hot apple cider.
Its the Christmas concerts
I drag the kids too...
and the lights we pass at night!
Its the season to celebrate
the hope of Christ
and the love of family!
Maybe one day,
I will join those who complain
of the hustle and bustle..
but regardless
I will celebrate the season!
and make each moment count!

I am not THAT mom

I love my kids...
I want them to do well!
I encourage them
and even push them-
when needed!

But, I do not live
through them!

I want them to do better
than I have!
I want them to
get an college education!
I want them to do their best
and learn the value of hard
work...
But, how they do in school..
how many friends they have...
how good they are at sports..
is about them!
Not me!

My son is smart!
but not motivated!
I push him because
I want him to get a scholarship
to school..
but I can say with truth,
I do not mind
what he chooses to do!
He could be an engineer..
he would rather design
video games!
I am OK with that!

I want to raise my kids to succeed!
I want them to learn work ethics,
and the value of hard work!
but, their dreams are theirs!
Their achievements belong to them!
and their ultimate choices
are theirs to live with!

In the mean time
I will parent them!
and I will love them!
and I will do all I can
to give them chances,
and then watch
as they make their own
choices!
and I will love them
anyway....

I am just so sad..

Today
was the memorial
of my friends son.
A young man
that I knew..
and respected!

My heart is broken!
As I listened to the words
spoken about this young boy..
they all came back
to a mothers deep love!

A mother who raised her sons
with grace,
despite trials.
A mother who loved her sons
no matter the cost!
A mother who put the needs
of her sons
before her own!

This young man's legacy
is partly his and partly hers!
Together they inspire
the rest of us...
to make each moment count!
Never forget to say 'I love you'..
find the memories
and make them happen!
Love with purpose,
parent with grace,
live with everything you have!

This child shall live always
in the hearts
that he touched-
and this mother
shall be held close
by the lives that
she has changed!

The heart has a mind of its own..

So..
I have so much to learn..
but some things
I have learned already!
sometimes the hard way,
sometimes just because
it makes sense..
but lessons are being
learned
in my head...
and taught by my heart!

My heart knows!
sometimes it connects
and it ends in hurt..
sometimes it does not-
and I am left wondering why!

but, it knows!

As I speak to friends
who are happy..
the common theme
is when they met the one
they are with;
they knew!
and generally they never looked
back.

I have started to fall
and been alone
in the hope..
I have been fallen for
without reciprocation..
The end result is the same!

It does not work..
being right on paper..
is not enough.
If my heart does not connect
with another..
it is not meant to be.

My heart wants to fall...
not impossibly...
not romantically...
not idealistically...
but instead completely!

And until then...
well...
I shall continue to learn!
I shall continue to hope..
and I shall be content
to wait!